Active discussions

Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we are in a relationship?

440 replies

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

OP posts:
IfThen · 22/02/2026 19:15

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:10

What is the difference between what we are doing, and what we are doing plus him using the word relationship? It doesn’t change anything, so I can’t see the difference.

Show quote history

Again, if you’re perfectly happy with what you’ve got, are happy to live alone, not marry or have a CP, aren’t interested in having children, are ok with recognising that you’re the only one who thinks you’re in a relationship — why are you posting? You’ve got everything you want. You don’t need the official title of girlfriend or mirror wills or rings or public recognition.

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:16

Yes anyone can leave a relationship.
But there is then an expectation that you 'break up' inform them and others of the change in status etc.

There is usually a lot of emotion and disappointment about the end of something.

If he doesn't think he's in a relationship he does have to end it or get involved with the emotion of an 'ending'.

He just does what he wants, and walks off as if it's nothing to you.

myrosegoldlife · 22/02/2026 19:16

I’ve been where you are OP.
Eventually he decided he did want to label us as “girlfriend and boyfriend”. Somehow in all of the second guessing I’d been doing I believed he was “the prize” and I was so lucky to be the woman he chose as his girlfriend after years of being single after his divorce.

Turns out, even then the label meant nothing and the only thing he was committed to was himself and his needs. Still slept around with other women behind my back (until I caught him). I could barely believe it would be possible given how much time we spent together, but he managed it.

I wish I’d have walked away the first time he ever had me questioning “what” we were….

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:17

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:14

I honestly don’t know, I’m obviously not there. He knows I refer to him as my boyfriend, but I don’t know what he does.

Show quote history

For the love of God Ask Him.

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:20

He's keeping his options open.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/02/2026 19:21

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:13

Yes, quite a few times. He can never really answer.

Show quote history

This is your answer. He doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend. He doesn’t want to name it. If you’re happy to carry on that way, go for it. If you want more than that, move on to someone else.

Missj25 · 22/02/2026 19:22

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:20

We are in our late 30s. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers. We had several casual flings with each other throughout our 20s. About six years ago we started seeing each other more often, but he didn’t want a relationship.

Five years ago I met someone else, and given the stance of not wanting a relationship, I went out with him and ended up in a relationship with him. I gave the first man every opportunity to stop it but he didn’t. Anyway, we broke up after a few months and the first man and I ended up back in touch. I made it clear at this point that I was only interested in being back in touch if we weren’t going to be seeing anyone else, which he agreed to.

Since then we’ve become closer and closer. I trust that he’s not, and is not interested in, seeing anyone else. He's supportive and caring (which it’s fair to say he wasn’t in our 20s). He’s thoughtful and kind. We go on holiday together and exchange Christmas and birthday presents. I have started to refer to him as my boyfriend, which he knows about and doesn’t seem bothered about.

He woukd still say we’re not in a relationship. I can’t see how this isn’t a relationship?

What do you mean by “ he would still say we are not in a relationship “?
He doesn’t mind you referring to him as your bf though ?, sorry but I’m confused 🤷🏻‍♀️.
You say you holiday together, what about weekends, do you spend them together doing stuff ?

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 22/02/2026 19:22

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:06

No problem, I was just musing about why he’s reluctant to say he’s in a relationship, but perfectly happy to act as if he’s in one.

Show quote history

I'd guess, because then he doesn't owe you anything. If he is single he is perfectly free to do whatever he wants any time he wants with whoever he wants and you can't say or do anything about it because you're not in a relationship.

SittingNextToIt · 22/02/2026 19:22

You are not in a relationship and you are not his girlfriend.

Madarch · 22/02/2026 19:22

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:12

Where else would it go though? We don’t want kids. We both own our own homes and are happy living alone

Show quote history

Dunno. He might see himself somewhere else entirely.

His reluctance to call it a relationship does suggest he's hedging his bets as others have said previously

IfThen · 22/02/2026 19:24

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:16

Yes anyone can leave a relationship.
But there is then an expectation that you 'break up' inform them and others of the change in status etc.

There is usually a lot of emotion and disappointment about the end of something.

If he doesn't think he's in a relationship he does have to end it or get involved with the emotion of an 'ending'.

He just does what he wants, and walks off as if it's nothing to you.

Yes, I wasn’t ‘breaking up’ with my FWB when I met DH. I just let him know as a courtesy that I was ending the arrangement. It wasn’t in any way an emotional situation. It was an easy, friendly civilised default mode for us both that got us regular sex either someone we liked while we weren’t looking for a relationship while we were both very busy with another part of our lives. I was doing a PhD, he was a medical student.

Mischance · 22/02/2026 19:25

I am not sure why you are asking. If you want to know exactly where you stand then I think you should ask him. Tell him what you want and if he can't supply it then move on.

All this about describing him as your boyfriend and he didn't seem to mind is a bit obtuse really and hardly a proper basis for LTR if that is what you are wanting.

Ohyeahitsme · 22/02/2026 19:25

This seems really odd and I'd be asking what difference he sees between what you guys have and a relationship.

I think his answer will either make him realise you are in a relationship or will enlighten you as to whether this is a path you want to continue down.

Random321 · 22/02/2026 19:26

If a man wants you, it's extremely clear.

You don't have to question it, doubt it or think about it.

You're basically grand for now but the minute a better option cones along, he's gone and you'll be left hurt.

Why not have the conversation? This isn't good enough for me. I want a proper relationship and given you don't want that we'll have to part ways.

The blunter version of this is "I've no longer happy with being treated so poorly".

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:26

ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:16

Yes anyone can leave a relationship.
But there is then an expectation that you 'break up' inform them and others of the change in status etc.

There is usually a lot of emotion and disappointment about the end of something.

If he doesn't think he's in a relationship he does have to end it or get involved with the emotion of an 'ending'.

He just does what he wants, and walks off as if it's nothing to you.

This would absolutely not be the case. He would, of course, have to ‘break up’ with me, and he would definitely know that would cause quite a few emotions.

OP posts:
ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:26

Maybe he sees a relationship as having kids living together and marriage.

What he's saying is he doesn't want those things with you.

When he meets the right person then he'll do the relationship things.
To him presents and holidays don't make a relationship.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:27

myrosegoldlife · 22/02/2026 19:16

I’ve been where you are OP.
Eventually he decided he did want to label us as “girlfriend and boyfriend”. Somehow in all of the second guessing I’d been doing I believed he was “the prize” and I was so lucky to be the woman he chose as his girlfriend after years of being single after his divorce.

Turns out, even then the label meant nothing and the only thing he was committed to was himself and his needs. Still slept around with other women behind my back (until I caught him). I could barely believe it would be possible given how much time we spent together, but he managed it.

I wish I’d have walked away the first time he ever had me questioning “what” we were….

He’s not sleeping around behind my back though.

OP posts:
ONTHEPREMISES · 22/02/2026 19:28

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:26

This would absolutely not be the case. He would, of course, have to ‘break up’ with me, and he would definitely know that would cause quite a few emotions.

Show quote history

I think you may be in for a nasty shock.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:28

Missj25 · 22/02/2026 19:22

What do you mean by “ he would still say we are not in a relationship “?
He doesn’t mind you referring to him as your bf though ?, sorry but I’m confused 🤷🏻‍♀️.
You say you holiday together, what about weekends, do you spend them together doing stuff ?

Show quote history

Yes, we don’t want kids. Not every weekend - this weekend I've been away with friends for example.

No, he doesn’t care I refer to him as my boyfriend.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 19:28

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 18:45

Promises of what?

Show quote history

No promises of a future together.

You are Ms Right-Now for him.

He doesn't see himself growing old with you, basically.

Either you are willing to take what he's offering or you aren't.
You can't make him change what he's offering.

HarbourClankCat · 22/02/2026 19:29

I’d be concerned that he is not seeing you as the one. I think you may be in a sort of relationship, but a practice one for him. He has been honest with you though.

We know someone in our friend group in this sort of set up. It’s not really happy, but rubs along ok and has done for 20 odd years. He complains privately he loves her like a sister but she was never really the one and he always expected the one to come along. She feels she’s wasted the best years of her life trying to save him (and show him what a loving relationship is), and I suspect she’s fearful of backing out and starting again now. On the face of it they get on, are affectionate, enjoy each other’s company as companions though.

I’d just be wary if this is what you may be committing yourself to and what you are happy to settle for.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:29

SomedayIllBeSaturdayNight · 22/02/2026 19:22

I'd guess, because then he doesn't owe you anything. If he is single he is perfectly free to do whatever he wants any time he wants with whoever he wants and you can't say or do anything about it because you're not in a relationship.

Show quote history

Except that we have agreed to be exclusive, so he's not free to do what he wants with who he wants.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 19:30

Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:26

This would absolutely not be the case. He would, of course, have to ‘break up’ with me, and he would definitely know that would cause quite a few emotions.

Show quote history

Emotions he would believe you were totally unreasonable to be having because he has spent years telling you you arent the one for him.

Original poster
Beingabout · 22/02/2026 19:31

Ohyeahitsme · 22/02/2026 19:25

This seems really odd and I'd be asking what difference he sees between what you guys have and a relationship.

I think his answer will either make him realise you are in a relationship or will enlighten you as to whether this is a path you want to continue down.

I’ve asked him a few times how exactly what we are differs from a relationship, and he can’t answer.

OP posts:
TheMorgenmuffel · 22/02/2026 19:31

Won't answer.