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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

422 replies

jimmychoose · 21/02/2026 22:25

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

OP posts:
NewZebra · 21/02/2026 22:26

Not ok at all, imo.

scottishgirl69 · 21/02/2026 22:27

This happens once a year?

MissCooCooMcgoo · 21/02/2026 22:29

I think YAB a bit U

You know it's going to happen. Put your stuff in your bedroom for that night. It's only 4 times a year.

MissCooCooMcgoo · 21/02/2026 22:30

Oh wait I misread. It only happens max twice a year? YABU.

I would however want notice so I could move stuff.

HelenaWaiting · 21/02/2026 22:30

It's your home, so it's not really up to anyone else to decide whether your reaction is right or wrong. I know I would hate it, whereas my DDIL would welcome any impromptu visitor with open arms. But your DH knows how you feel and he is BVVU.

hewassoungrateful · 21/02/2026 22:30

Your DH is 50 and he’s known this man since his school days and he goes out with him once or twice a year? This wouldn’t bother me, at all. I mean, he’d have to contend with me in my dressing gown and PJs but other than that? I’d just make polite conversation and breakfast!

Kingdomofsleep · 21/02/2026 22:30

Really not OK especially with the young daughters. Bob needs to get an uber (or night bus) to his own home after a night out, like everyone else does

SP2024 · 21/02/2026 22:31

It’s not like this is a random person your husband doesn’t know. He’s a friend he’s had for years, you have met him. After the first time you knew this was a possibility so put clothes in your room and crack on. I don’t know why it’s such an issue?

Pippa12 · 21/02/2026 22:32

I think your being unreasonable tbh, if you know he’s going out with said friend I’d move my lounge wear out of the spare room.

Unless this man is inappropriate to you and your children, I can’t see how this is a massive inconvenience. It’s (presumably) your DH’s house too? I wouldn’t like my DH telling me who I could and couldn’t invite over to stay.

Lmnop22 · 21/02/2026 22:33

Surely your DH is allowed to have a friend to stay one night in the spare room without you giving him a hard time? If you’ve only met him 4 times in 12 years that means he’s only stayed over once every 3 years in the last 12…..

Original poster
jimmychoose · 21/02/2026 22:33

He’s a 50’year old man, a stranger and it happens unannounced ie the first I know of it is at 3am

if someone needed to stay because there was no other option and it was arranged in advance I would be fine with it. He has a home to go to, why does he need to stay in mine?

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 21/02/2026 22:34

jimmychoose · 21/02/2026 22:33

He’s a 50’year old man, a stranger and it happens unannounced ie the first I know of it is at 3am

if someone needed to stay because there was no other option and it was arranged in advance I would be fine with it. He has a home to go to, why does he need to stay in mine?

You do know your DH is going out with him so you’ve got a very strong idea he’s going to stay over.

Presumably he stays because your DH says he can.

Kingdomofsleep · 21/02/2026 22:34

Getting her clothes ready the night before is no solution. The primary age girls also deserve privacy from a hungover stranger in their house. Not to mention he could go into their rooms (a remote possibility but these things do happen, men can be creeps).

I'm with op. It's a total no from me, my dh would never do this

Original poster
jimmychoose · 21/02/2026 22:34

Lmnop22 · 21/02/2026 22:33

Surely your DH is allowed to have a friend to stay one night in the spare room without you giving him a hard time? If you’ve only met him 4 times in 12 years that means he’s only stayed over once every 3 years in the last 12…..

I mean met him in a social setting ie I’ve been out at the time too. Obviously when he’s in my house I “meet” him then as well only it’s when we’re queuing for the shower …

OP posts:
hewassoungrateful · 21/02/2026 22:34

HelenaWaiting · 21/02/2026 22:30

It's your home, so it's not really up to anyone else to decide whether your reaction is right or wrong. I know I would hate it, whereas my DDIL would welcome any impromptu visitor with open arms. But your DH knows how you feel and he is BVVU.

I actually disagree because it’s her DHs home too. I would never let my DH dictate which of my friends could or couldn’t stay and I wouldn’t dictate that to my DH either. And yes, my DH has some friends who aren’t my favourite but once or twice a year? I’m a grown up, I can be polite.

Olderandwiserpossibly · 21/02/2026 22:35

So you have 2 young children and he goes out until late very frequently.
And occasionally brings this stranger - to you- back to your home without giving you any warning. And obviously with no regard for the safety of his children.

It sounds as though you don't count for very much in his life OP. He doesn't respect you or his family home. It is your home too and you should be entitled to a say on who slerps there and when .No wonder you are upset by this.

Hiyawotcha · 21/02/2026 22:36

It’s your husband’s home too.
this seems like such a big deal over nothing. If it seems that Bob generally stays over when he and your husband catch up, why not have a dressing gown or something in your room just in case he does stay over? Which you seem to be saying tends to be the pattern.

Luckyingame · 21/02/2026 22:37

Even if "Bob" is perfectly fine, it would be a basic courtesy to run it by the OP.
How thick or uncaring the husband has to be?

Coffeebreakneeds · 21/02/2026 22:38

I can see both sides. We have a friend who started staying occasionally but now is a regular stayer. I don’t think I’d have an issue if I knew in advance so I could sort a bed and make sure my stuff was out of the way. I like having an open home and welcome guests but understand this isn’t for everyone. If you aren’t happy DH should respect your wishes but a friend staying over now and again doesn’t seem like a big thing to me especially if you expect it as it’s happened in the past. Your DH should always run things past you first though so you know what’s happening.

Slave2Avocads · 21/02/2026 22:39

The guy is your husbands friend?? I wouldn’t give a fuck and would open my house to a good friend. Male or not. Unless you think he’s a secret rapist or a nonce. If he was them you may have a point.

Kingdomofsleep · 21/02/2026 22:39

I'm amazed by the chilled responses.

When we get ready in the morning we all wander around from bedrooms to bathroom in states of semi-dressedness, including the kids, while we go to the loo, brush our teeth, grab clothes off the airer etc. I would not be happy with a strange man seeing my primary age daughter like that. It's so not OK.

Morepositivemum · 21/02/2026 22:41

personally I’d think fine pre kids but not ok with kids

Kingdomofsleep · 21/02/2026 22:41

Coffeebreakneeds · 21/02/2026 22:38

I can see both sides. We have a friend who started staying occasionally but now is a regular stayer. I don’t think I’d have an issue if I knew in advance so I could sort a bed and make sure my stuff was out of the way. I like having an open home and welcome guests but understand this isn’t for everyone. If you aren’t happy DH should respect your wishes but a friend staying over now and again doesn’t seem like a big thing to me especially if you expect it as it’s happened in the past. Your DH should always run things past you first though so you know what’s happening.

Edited

I love welcoming guests too but not an unexpected one at 3am, probably drunk! An actual guest arrives with a suitcase at a reasonable hour and has a planned welcome.

traveltraveltravel78 · 21/02/2026 22:42

You said it happens once or twice a year, but then you've only met him 4 times in 12 years...

GinaandGin · 21/02/2026 22:42

DH and bob can get a hotel room