Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Do you never have people stay? You don’t have dressing gowns you can put on?
If op finds out at 3am this long term friend of her husband is staying, surely, she just puts on a dressing gown in the morning? And does the same for her children?

I think you sound a bit odd. He’s not a stranger is he?! He’s your husband’s friend who presumably you have been introduced to and speak to? You know he’s going out and bringing him back and it’s only twice a year! Plenty of time to sort yourself out and prepare for a guest.

You sound very inhospitable. In this situation I’d be up, dressed and have breakfast prepped and be chatting at the breakfast table the next morn! My husband does the same for me.

We have people stay but it's planned and the kids know to expect them and it'd be someone they know well.

My primary aged dd would have the biggest jump scare at an unexpected man in the house when she goes for her first morning wee.

This ^^
Just ask your husband if Bob is likely to be staying over & clear your stuff out in advance.

Make yourself scarce the following morning. Snub Bob & leave husband to it.

If they’re coming in at 0300, get up early, make a lot of noise getting ready to go out with the girls and give the front door a good slam behind you.

Play the innocent if hubby kicks off when you get back. Noise? What noise? Shrug your shoulders.

Hopefully Bob will hate being awoken early by family noise and won’t be so keen next time.

Why do you keep your dressing gown in the spare room? This makes no earthly sense!

You can't wake up your kids at 3am to say there'll be a visitor. So the first they know of it is wandering into the bathroom to have a wee in the morning and there's a random bloke in the corridor. He probably hasn't packed PJs so he's just in his T shirt and boxers.

And that's assuming he's not a creep who goes into their rooms - rare but they do exist.

Just no way.

What's odd is the dh continuing to do it knowing his wife is uncomfortable with it.

Why is he a strange man?

You've met him four times

You wouldn’t just go into her room before she got up and say “dad has a friend staying, pop on your dressing gown when you get up”?

He’s not a stranger, he’s your husband’s long standing school friend. Who is allowed to stay in your spare room and what is stopping you moving your dressing gown?
I can imagine being a bit taken aback if you just find someone staying in the morning but now you know this is likely to happen. ‘Kids, Daddy is going out with his friends, Bob will be here overnight’

Why does he bring Bob back if he lives the same distance from the city as you do? Seems a bit pointless.

I’m with you. I don’t want any randoms staying here whether it’s last minute or not 😂

The math isn’t mathing. You’ve met this man 4 times but he sleeps over one or twice a year ‘everytime’ he and DH go out?

Because I don't know when she's going to wake up! Should I go in and wake her up pre-emptively to say there's drunken Bob visiting again, so get dressed before you have a wee?

Don't your primary age kids go to the loo as soon as they wake up? It is a good habit. Sometimes the first we know she's awake is hearing the flush.

Anyway as I say my dh would never do this, he's even more private than I am.

Why? Are you suggesting Bob is a paedophile rapist?

Quite. And it's DH's home too

Yes I was wondering this too. This is the strangest thing about the whole situation.

He is a stranger to me. I don’t know anything about him. His name is Bob. I couldn’t tell you where he lives, his wife’s name, how many kids he has. All I know is they went to school together. Husband has lots of friends I know well, and I wouldn’t have an issue with them having to stay if there was no other option however firstly I know this is extremely unlikely to happen as they have their own homes to go to and if it did, I know them well enough for it to feel fine in the morning the kids would also know them and have spent lots of time with them. This does not apply to Bob, he would be a stranger to them (youngest is 5, last year would have been 4 she would simply have no clue who he is)

You could say before she goes to bed that "Dad's out with Bob tonight, so just be ready for the morning in case he stays tonight again" Very easy. Same for the OP. She knows he often comes back on the occasions they meet up, so just keep her dressing gown in her own room for a change. Just in case, no big deal.

When your do goes out w Bob, grab your dressing gown & clothes for the next day before you go to bed?
it’s your husband’s friend & guest - in your shared home? No biggie

Because small house small rooms we keep all our clothes and bits in the spare room, it’s where we get changed in the morning, one of us is usually up early and it’s easier to get ready in the other room.

Of course, you’re not being unreasonable.

He’s obviously DH long standing friend, maybe you should make an effort to get to know him.. ask DH the questions you don’t know the answer to.. or ask him over breakfast.

why are you being so hostile to your DH obvious friend?

Both my daughters also will usually go to the loo either middle of the night or very early, ie 6am, what if drunk/hungover bob is in there peeling like a racehorse?

Well the answer is to ask dh to say if he is goinf out with bob on that night. And on that night prepare that bob will likely stay.
I think its fine to have a friend stay over now and then. Even if its not someone you know that well, you dh does and has done for many years.
Just ask dh to tell tou when he is goinf out with bob and assume that bob will likely stay. Once or twice a year isnt really a a big problem.
Not announcing it would annoy me too tbh. But the staying over I could deal with. I would just want to be prepared

DH and bob can get a hotel room