Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

I don’t have a dressing gown! We also don’t close our bedroom door ( the problem of having a needy cat) do close for privacy when needed. I wear PJ’s.
But I wouldn’t make up the spare room or make him breakfast. I would expect DH to make and wash up! DH would also wash the bedding etc.
But I’m anti social and my home is my sanctuary and don’t have guests I don’t like. Especially drunk quests.

He's not abused anyone?!!

@jimmychoose is Bob married and does he have DC of his own?
Are you somehow (a real stretch imo) suggesting he’s actively engineering a reason to stay at your house, in order to gain inappropriate access to to you & your DC? I’ve had to reach to get this inference from your thread - if that’s what you mean??

I can understand you find it immature that they seem to like reliving their youth once in a while (perhaps?) & getting so drunk they stay at eachother’s place etc. But is it simply their way of extending the time together - to include some of the next day? Whilst you seem to take a very low opinion of it - isnt that extended time with friends you don’t see very often actually kind of nice? Like how for some people, they might have enjoyed the ritual of girls going out, getting ready together or staying at eachother’s afterward? Is a bit of nostalgia such a wrong thing?

What you’re not saying is whether you think Bob is a bad influence on your DH, that maybe he cranks far more when he’s with him &/or does morally questionable things (strip clubs/being on the pull - you say Bob maybe would have pulled if he didn’t stay with your DH?) Is it that you feel they act like single men when out together? If so this would naturally be unreasonable. But you’re not saying any of that 🤷‍♀️.

@YorkshireGoldie sorry I’ve quoted you in error!

I've been married to two exH who would do versions of this OP. I get that it's a jointly owned home etc.. and both should have equal say, but my absolute unflinching argument would be the children. I'd have been terrified to wake up and find a 'strange man' in the house at that age. It smacks of zero emotional intelligence on your DH's part, if nothing else.

So a man is grooming your kids... at 3am. Twice a year

HES NOT STRANGE

HES BOB

It happens everytime he goes out with Bob and yet you still leave your clothes in the spare room so you can't get to them?

StrangeBob Tenpints.

Absolutely.

it seems there’s two camps on here, those who are against a drunk man being in the house with two young girls and those who think it’s fine.

Zero emotional intelligence from the husband.

Drunk. And asleep. At 3am

Jesus guys

Perhaps if she had prior warning that dick head husband was bringing drunk Bob back to her house she could have rescued her clothes

Some people choose to live such restricted, controlled, begrudging lives.

To any normal thinking person this is such a non event. They'd hang their dressing gown in their own bedroom and give their children the heads-up that Daddy's friend is staying over. Zero drama.

Then there's the frankly bizarre gymnastics that some people contort themselves into in order to make this a hellishly stressful, over complicated, begrudging tin-pot drama.

In reality the husband is probably more likely at be an abuser of the kids than Bob. It's usually family members or close friends

Seeing as he does it most times he goes out with him I'd say that's a pretty big clue wouldn't you

There's often a drunk man in the house with the kids. As in their FATHER

If she’s aware that it’s this guy he’s put with, but still, he’s a sick that he’s not communicating this to her.

OP, it sounds as if there are other issues with your DP -you seem on different pages as far as how free and social time is spent. You feel trapped and disrespected in your marriage, which is an awful place to be.

When I leave stbxp, one of the first things I'm going to do is to go out and, at the end of the night, invite friends -at the drop of a hat- to stay the night at mine. It's the kind of spontaneity I have craved but not been able to indulge with DP, who is quite private and requires prior notice of anything out of the ordinary written in triplicate and stamped in blood three moons in advance. But I understand your side of this argument too. I don't drink either and can find drunk, or otherwise under the influence, people very unsettling.

What are you going on about? posts and posts of absolute shit.

Oh FFS. I've just happened across the OP's update tucked away 10 pages in.

Why didn't you start this thread explaining that you're very unhappily married and you and your DH appear to dislike each other intensely? It would have been a whole other thread.

If he brings him home every time and DH goes out with him once or twice a year, you’ve at least met him 12-24 times not 4.

As long as the spare room and kitchen were clean I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

I hope you mean husband takes responsibility for cleaning the kitchen and bedroom before and after. Which I very much doubt happens having read OPs update on his attitude

You know when your husband meets up with this particular friend, then it's likely he will end up staying in your spare room. Therefore move your dressing gown out the night before. If this man is staying very infrequently, then I can't see the issue to be honest. If he was staying over weekly, then you would have a reason to be miffed.