Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Bob has stayed at ops house on numerous occasions. At no point has she even suggested he’s been anywhere near the children, never mind being at all inappropriate with them. She HAS said that she wants to lay around in “her pants”. As is absolutely her right in her own home. But in many years, Bob hasn’t given any indication at all that he’s a risk to her children. And, I think OP would be extremely sensitive to that, as we all would be, quite understandably.
I really don’t think this is a “Bob” problem. Op, by her own admittance unfortunately feels trapped in this marriage which is making her extremely unhappy. I would be too, in ops situation. But, Bob is a red herring. The real issue is that op needs a workable plan to leave her marriage.

In the op she said dh goes out a lot, late night every time he does. She said she talked to him about the 3am drunk guest issue, he ignored how she feels about it. It was all there really.
Not sure why people started piling on her, pushing for more and more details. She doesn’t need an opinion on whether she’s happy with him or not - she knows.

Seems like bob has rules in place that if it’s a late night, he’s not to come home and disturb his own family. I wouldn’t like it at all OP, even if it is once a year.

Who says Bob has a family

I sense from OP post that Bob is not actually the issue.
The challenge I sense is that you are living with some with an alcohol issue.
I wonder if you need to reflect on what your actual issue is.
As others have suggested Bob is a distraction.
I wonder if you should think of seeking advice on how you can support him and your family.
I feel for your situation.

Eww I wouldn’t like that either, especially rolling in at 3am when you have young kids.
Yes you could move your stuff out of the spare room when DH goes out with this man, tho I think it’s a bit odd you don’t keep your dressing gown in your bedroom tbh!
As for making breakfast, that is on DH as his guest, and as for queuing for the shower, hmm 🤔 no that’s a bit weird!

Bit late to start complaining now really?

he's hanging around waiting for a bacon roll?
maybe he'd be less likely to stay if your hospitality was limited to a small fruit juice, or a bowl of cereal?

Ring a women's refuge for some help OP.
Your husband is an alcoholic and could be a danger to you and your children.

It's more likely public transport in Bob's direction stops much earlier than in Ops.
And given hes an hour in the opposite direction. He probably can't get a taxi / uber or the cost is prohibitive - not everyone has a spare £100 quid to drop on a taxi.

Although I think Op and DH have much bigger problems than Bob.
DH and the drink is a far bigger issue

I agree with pp who have said it would've been fine pre kids (still annoying, but fine), but with young children absolutely not.

It sounds like you've got bigger problems in your marriage than Bob staying over occasionally 😕 if I were you, I'd be making plans to separate, your husband is a drinker and it's not going to get any better.

After reading your latest update Bob is the least of your problems. The reason you’re getting such a hard time over this is because people have assumed that your husband is otherwise a decent person who contributes to your life positively. So letting his hair down once or twice a year is not a big ask. However if you’d led with this you’d of got a very different response.
Woking away in the week and out till early hours weekend paints a very different picture

Well that story changed!

Put bolt locks on the inside of your doors and tell them they will be locked when you go to bed except on special occasions as you will not tolerate him repeatedly coming home drunk in the early hours and waking up the household?

I am astonished and appalled by the percentage of people who think this is ok. Usually on here the men are are overwhelmingly considered to be in the wrong. This total disregard this man has for the OPs feelings and opinions in here own home are disgraceful. It appears he carts this friend home despite the fact it is no closer than him going back to his own home. I suspect there's more to this man's behaviour than 'socialising' and drinking with his friends too.

OP I feel for you. I hope you manage to get away from your husband eventually. Cling on to the hope that it will be sooner rather than later. 🥰

Bringing a friend home twice a year? As opposed to going out on the piss every weekend in life?

I think the OP updated original post to say he goes out nearly every weekend. I think there's something more fishy to be honest.

I’m also in the ‘you’ve got a DH problem, not a Bob problem’ group.

Other husbands don’t go out every weekend so that isn’t usual at all.

i think your DH is massively disrespecting you and its not a good example for your Girls to learn from. How would you feel if one day your Daughters have a partner doing this to them ?

This

This situation raises so many questions for me...
Why hasn't your DH introduced you to Bob and his family over the years? So you can get to know the man who sleeps in your home...
Why doesn't your DH find it weird that a virtual stranger is sleeping under the same roof as his daughters'?
Why can't "Bob" just go home? So what if it's an hour away?
What 50yr old wants to sleep in anyone else's bed apart from their own?!
Lastly, are YOU allowed to go with the girls, return home at 3am and have one of them stay over the next day?...