Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

You’re right, there’s no impasse. LTB 🤨

So twice a year - married for 12 years and met him socially 4 times.

So you have been in his company 26 times and you haven't asked him anything about himself? Your H's friend and all you know is that his name is Bob?

I think your behaviour is very odd.

What do you do, sit there mute while he is in your house?

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced

You know it’s going to happen then, don’t you?

What an inhospitable bunch you all are. Hotel, my arse!

Sounds like a DH problem not a Bob problem. Why is he going out getting wasted all the time? He's 50 not 25. Does he have an alcohol problem? Why can't he invite Bob over for a takeaway and introduce him properly to the family? My DH is a similar age and I know all his school friends well plus their other halves and kids. He also knows my friends well has met them lots of times at various social gatherings/ holidays together. Means that if either of us have a friend over to stay we both enjoy the catch up breakfast in the morning. Why haven't you and the girls got to know Bob in other social settings? All very odd.

I don’t really understand your logic OP. I think you using the “stranger” argument to strengthen your feeling that this is unacceptable doesn’t really work. Because the main is clearly not a stranger to your DH nor you or your DC by now. You say you’d be more ok if your DH brought back one of his bona fide friends who you know too & who aren’t strangers. When suggested to get to know this person who clearly means something to your DH, you find that unacceptable & that it’s not your place or role to! How bizarre! I understand you might not really like having him stay & having to moderate your & your DC’s normal a.m routine to accommodate him. But like everyone else is saying, it’s hardly a regular occurrence. You clearly really dislike him. Do you think he’s a bad influence on your DH or something?

Doesn't sound like a stranger to you if he's stayed so many times it's annoying. It wouldn't bother me my husband having a friends stay over, especially as you have a spare room. He just needs to know to move your clothes out for the morning if someone stops over.

YANBU, it’s an invasion of privacy and you don’t know this man well to be suddenly sharing your house with him at 3 am with your two daughters. It’s not appropriate.

It doesn’t matter that your husband owns the house, unless he cleans and cooks for this man, and arranges things (eg removing your stuff from the spare room) to reduce the inconvenience for you, he’s springing extra work on you at 03:00. He has no right to do this without your permission. Not fair or kind at all.

If it happens twice a year and your been together 12 years, how have you met him 4 times..

Do you have friends/ family to stay?

Has Bob ever been a guest from hell, like puking in the bin, pissing in the airing cupboard etc?

If you have guests and Bob isn’t a nightmare I think YABU. It’s your DH’s home and he’s allowed to have a mate back to chat and stay over if he wants, even if it’s impromptu. The lack of notice is a complete red herring- this doesn’t happen often and you know now when he’s meeting Bob to assume there’s a decent chance he will stay over and warn the kids/ get dressing gown.

It's unfair to say he doesn't care about his kids safety. He isn't bringing someone into his home who he suspects is a paedophile especially given the length of their friendship unless your suggesting her DH is too

@jimmychoose people are just piling on for sport. Ignore.

If this is you not being hostile to Bob then I must not understand the word 'hostile '...

Given how long DH has known him and the fact you've been out a handful of times socially plus seen him at least once a year I think it's a stretch to say he's a stranger.

If DH is out with Bob you know there'd a chance he's going to come back with him so leaving your stuff in the spare room seems a deliberate thing so you can moan about it. If you suspect Bon isn't safe around your family then you need to be direct with your DH

People are making reasoned arguments as to why the OP is being unreasonable. Not the same thing at all. She asked the question, people are perfectly entitled to disagree with her.

Are you annoyed because this hasn't been arranged in advance? If your DH said "I'll be bringing Bob back tonight" would that be OK or would you still be unhappy because you don't really know him (and it seems Bob always stays over when they go out so you would know in advance and could prepare the night before)? I think your DH should definitely get up and prepare breakfast for everyone and I wouldn't be keeping the children quiet in the morning.

What does peeling like a racehorse mean?!

Does your husband ever stay at this ma/ house? If not, why not?

This is so scary to me, your daughters are so vulnerable here.

Please tell him he either stops this or moves out himself.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night

In your OP, you said "every time....". therefore, you do know he will be coming to stay.

YABVU to try to prevent your dh being hospitable to his friend that he has known longer than you.
Even if it were someone you hadn't met, but your dh knew well and trusted as a person, you would still be being unreasonable. But it seems you have met him, so he's not a stranger.

You know your dh is meeting up with him, so it can't be beyond your capabilities to keep your dressing gown or your clothes in your own bedroom on that one night.

There is nothing reasoned in these arguments. This man is a stranger to OP and her daughters, he should not be allowed to stay.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

There’s a child abuse epidemic and people are so blasé about their young children’s safety.

OP, please trust your instincts and ignore these posters, they don’t give a shit.

Owning the home does. Just as it gives you the right to invite in who you like, when you like.

I really don’t think your husband bringing a friend (of 40 years) home for a night and some corn flakes is a major issue. It’s not like he’s picking up rent boys or drug pushers is it?

But she is a woman normal rules go out the window

Your first mistake was posting on AIBU. It seems to be the hobby of many to be an arse for the sake of it.

Second mistake was doing so on a Saturday night which means that the wine quaffed makes it worse.

YANBU.