Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

But he's not a stranger to their father! I have had lots of friends visit since I had children. So has my husband. Most people accept their partner's judgement and don't assume that their friends are dangerous.

Because its her husbands home too & her husband has know. ‘Bob’ since school.

op makes no effort to get to know his friend. She knows he is going out with him & will likely atay over but would prefer to be awkward/uncomfortable rather than put her things in her room overnigtht

another batshit mumsnet thread

I don't think you're being unreasonable - most people would want advance notice of someone staying over in their home, particularly when it's a drunk man.

As you say, you have young children so it would be a no from me or I would be sleeping with the kids myself that night.

The fact that your husband is not respecting your request to give advance warning is also a concern - is there a big age difference between you?

Pragmatically, I would assume this friend is staying over any future time your DH is going out with him. I'd sleep with the kids and get their clothes and mine ready for the next day before going to bed.

I would guess it's because her DH, like many PP, thinks she's being very unreasonable.

It's once or twice a year, not every week!!

It's his home as well as hers.

Bob is an old school friend, not a "strange 50 yr old man".

Children can be told the night before 'Dad's seeing his old friend Bob tonight, he'll probably stay over, so you'll see him in the morning and we can all have breakfast together'. That's what a normal person would do.

OP has said he’s a stranger to them, just because he drinks with the husband does not make him a family friend.

You people are really comfortable with young girls with unlocked bedrooms being on the same floor as this man?

It’s a terrible thing to do to young kids who have no agency and can’t fend for themselves.

You’re not the a hole, husband definitely is though

Yep, he and the people on this thread have the parenting instincts of a hamster.

It's not unexpected then. You know that on those two occasions a year that DH meets one of his oldest friends, he's likely to offer him the spare room.

So your justifications for being annoyed are bollocks. He IS expected. You can bring your dressing gown into your bedroom when you go to bed that night. You can tell the kids that daddy's friend might be having a sleepover so they might see him in the morning.

And over breakfast, you could always make the effort to actually speak to Bob and get to know him a little better, instead of putting the onus on him.

What a huge fuss about nothing.

Yeah this. Bob clearly has no interest in getting to know OP at all, and sounds like a shit house guest.

bigger issue is your husband bring a strange man to his home when his young daughters are sleeping and him and yourself too? You wpulsnt even know if your kids were being assaulted.

sorry but you have married some trash there what an id iot

I don’t think anyone has suggested this yet but the obvious solution, if both of them live equidistant from the city, is for ops dh to stay overnight in the friends house! Or is it that the friend wouldn’t dare disturb his own wife and kids by coming in with a friend both of them drunk at 3 in the morning?

We had my late husband's friend visit on several occasions when it kids were little. And no, I didn't for one minute worry about him sleeping in the room next to my daughters. Because I don't catastrophise.

It's "normal" to feel that you should clear overnight guests with your partner, and if it's an emergency and the stay is unplanned let them know the person's there. (It could also be "normal" to just bring random people home and say nothing, but only if both partners are clearly comfortable with that; you've clearly and repeatedly said that you're not).

All the posts chiding you because you KNOW Bob will stay because he's going out with your husband and therefore could have removed your things from the spare room seem a bit odd. Why isn't your husband, when he tells you he's made plans to meet up with Bob, saying "we'll be out until 3AM and it'll be impossible to get a lift/Uber/taxi; OK with you if Bob crashes in the spare room?" And he should be attending to Bob, including getting his breakfast if that's expected.

you've a dh issue. he's an alcoholic. protect you dc. all said as the child of an alcoholic.

I thought this was going to be your husband periodically has men over for sex!

I couldn't get worked up over an old school friend staying in the guest room a handful of times a year. Be glad he has friends and an appetite to go out and do something, even if it is just pubbing. Would get DH to make the breakfast though.

You should be consulted, a one off might have been OK but not regularly. Why is your husband going out until 3am so often? It all sounds quite childish to me.

If you know this guy, or anyone, is staying the night, make sure you aren't in 'vest and pants' (strange), have your dressing gown in your bedroom.

Let him get his own breakfast/cup of tea or coffee, or else just get washed and dressed and go home.

It's not catastrophising to protect young children.
1 in 4 children are sexually abused, usually by someone trusted.

I wouldn't be able to sleep with an unrelated male in the house who could enter a child's bedroom without my knowledge during the night.
It's not safe for the children.

What?

It’s not catastrophising, it’s basic protection against the unthinkable ‘what if’.

It doesn’t mean every drinking buddy of OP’s husband is an abuser but you can’t give people the benefit of the doubt when kids are involved.

Did Rolf Harris’ friends (the mum and dad) have any inkling that their trusted friend was creeping into their daughter’s bedroom at night? They did not. And he was their friend, this man isn’t even a friend to OP.

Thank you, some sense at last.

When he next meets Bob in six months time, just say "are you likely to be bringing Bob back? If so, make sure there's clean bedding on the spare bed"

Then you'll know, and nothing will be 'unexpected'.

What if she doesn’t go into the spare room?

He’s the OP’s husband’s oldest friend ffs
If he was allowed to stay more often and not made to feel like a potential child molester, he wouldn’t be a strange man.

You're wrong.

You know this happens and it's your DH's house too. He's a long time friend who you've met multiple times.

You're overreacting.

So a husband can never have a friend to stay? Because the friend is male? While his wife can have her friends also over, no problem?

My late husband had two single friends living a distance away. They were invited on several occasions, and I think it would have been horribly mean and inhospitable to make them stay in a hotel, simply because they were male and we had daughters.

I honestly can't imagine meeting my husband friends (or male relatives) and immediately assuming that they might be a paedophile, and booking them a hotel room.