Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

I agree with you OP
The "facilitating solutions" being offered would annoy me
It's yourhome
Why should you be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate bob.

Perhaps Bob could make an effort to get to know me and the children, by that logic? Perhaps during daylight hours and before he’s had 47 pints with the husband. But no you’re right, it’s a me problem.

He’s probably scared of your because you’re obviously very hostile 😅 or DH has told him not to engage because he knows your not happy about his being there. I would approach you with what you’ve said here tbh.

Genuinely cannot work out the problem. Just tell the children before bed time that Bob might be staying overnight. I would be so pissed off if I wasn’t allowed to offer a bed to a friend after a night out.

Your DH has known this man longer than he has known you so he’s not a stranger to him and it is your DH’s house as well.
As infrequently as this happens I wouldn’t have an issue with my DH having a friend to stay.
Likewise I can’t imagine for a minute my DH saying one of my school friends couldn’t stay as she was a stranger to him

Moving a dressing gown from one room to another once a year is hardly bending over backwards!
And it's equally her husband's home too. Why shouldn't he be able to bring a friend home occasionally?

Then tell her! “Dad’s out w his friend Bob tonight & he might stay over after, so he’s here in the morning. Thye've know each other since he was your age, cool, no? Let’s make pancakes for breakfast?”
and a mental note to yourself to ask Bob a wee bit about himself over morning coffee? You sound soooo inhospitable & weird

You don’t need to explain or justify. People are just trolling for some odd reason.

Tell dh guests are welcome in your family home at a reasonable hour and not drunk.

Yup. It is :)

This

he’s not a stranger to your dh. He’s an old school friend

this Happen a couple of times a year

you know will happen so have dressing gown /clothes in your room for the morning

and assume as a grown man with kids that he’s capable of shutting the bathroom door if needs a wee so your daughters won’t see his Willy

Right so again by that logic I’ve to be hospitable to someone who my husband tells I’m not nice and to stay away from me? Okay.

At no point have I said I am hostile to Bob. You’re making that bit up.

I’ve said I am not comfortable with a man I don’t know staying in my house unannounced.

Well yes they did when they were little (they are adults now). So when I heard the flush I’d just go up and say dad has a friend here, put your dressing gown on, I’m making xyz for breakfast. No big deal?

grown man who is unrelated stays overnight when you have primary aged children. Utterly unacceptable and a risk you do not need to take. I’d be asking him to stay in the living room with no coming upstairs - so that he never accepts an offer to stay again.

If it was weekly I’d understand but once or twice a year. Nah.

You know he’s coming. Pretending otherwise is just weird. Make sure you have your stuff in your room for this one night.

My teenage children had friends unexpectedly staying overnight when my youngest was 6-7. Youngest wasn’t at all bothered,in fact he was quite excited that B was there in the morning.

This sounds fine. He’s not a stranger (in the sense that you know something about him). He’s your OH’s friend. It’s a few times a year. It’s fine.

🙄 and breathe!

Im presuming the house is jointly owned so what gives the op the right to “tell” her husband what he is and isn’t allowed to do in his own home?

But you do know him and it's not unannounced really. You know damn well DH will probably bring him back home . Get your dressing gown. And get an extra loaf for toast .
Think I'm on a different planet sometimes on MN .

I think I wouldn't love it, but would suck it up when it's that infrequent, and just be prepared any time they go out that it's likely to happen.
Like buggery I'd be making them breakfast like PPs say though, They could go to the nearest cafe and soak up the booze with some grease.

I appreciate that's easy for me to say as a single parent who has complete control over visitors by default (DC is still young) though!

OP, I totally agree with you. Why bring a drunk friend back to the family home when "Bob" can just as easily go back to his own home? Does "Bob's" wife object to him coming in @ 3pm and having to deal with his hangover? I assume DH is preparing breakfast and you are not expected to produce the full English?

Yabu, just bring your dressing gown and clothes into your room when he’s out with him

The person who is taking into account the children’s comfort and safety (who also live there) wins over the selfish drunken one.

Why does this man need to be in her house if it takes him the same time to go back to his own? What necessities him imposing like that?

By the same token what gives him the right to unilaterally decide on overnight guests who arrive at 3am drunk?

I have to say you sound very unfriendly.

You've met Bob 4 times in social settings, and 12-24 times over breakfast when he's stayed over after a boys' night out, and you STILL don't know anything about him?!

If Bob always stays over after their nights out, and you know that your DH is going out with him, then you can prepare by getting clothes and whatever else you need out of the spare room the night before.

Presumably Bob is house trained enough to close/lock the loo door when he's using it, so it shouldn't be an issue for your daughters.

If he was frequently staying over, say once or twice a month, I could see that might be annoying. But once or twice a year is really not unreasonable. And it is your DH's house as well as yours...

And he's not bringing 'a strange man' home - he's bringing his friend of 40-odd years.

You mentioned in your OP that your husband goes out a lot and stays out late - is that what you're really annoyed about?