Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

Tell him:

"No more Bob or no more me, which do you think it ought to be? That's your choice there, clear and stark - will you end this Bob night lark?"

Next time DH & Bob meet up, Bob should be the host & DH the overnight guest.

So it’s fine for the unaware OP and her young daughters to be semi-dressed in front of him? Wtf?

I appreciate that, but when a person's spouse says, I'm not comfortable with it, that should be the end of it.

IMO extreme reaction to your DH's friend staying over (twice a year). If you know they are out then take your dressing gown to your room.

If he's a stranger after all this time - then get chatting to him.over breakfast. If after conversations he really is a complete arsehole - then you can 'ban' him.

Unless there's some context you've not told us about your DH's friend, I find it weird you are so hostile to him. I know its your home, but it's your DH's home too.

It is a mother's role to be the guardian of her daughters' chastity because all men are rapists and paedophiles. My daughter is 23 and has been locked in a cage in her bedroom between the hours of 7pm and 8am so there is no risk of harm to her in the event that a stranger breaks through our bespoke cast-iron triple-locked front and back doors and wanders in off the street. Because all men are rapists and paedophiles, she did not go on school trips, have sleepovers at our house, or go to others' houses for sleepovers. Only today the Bishop of Lincoln has been arrested for alleged sex offenses. Covid came as a relief to me because it made online learning the norm. That is why my daughter is studying with the Open University. Student accommodation and brothels are one and the same thing.

BS

So who is it ok to have back to the house?
And why is the OP unaware of Bob’s impending visits and unable to tell the kids not to wander around half dressed, assuming that he’s a child molester in waiting.

She is aware though. She's being disingenuous in pretending it's unexpected. She knows perfectly well, because she admitted that it happens every time, that when DH and Bob meet up, Bob will sleep over.
So she can have her dressing gown ready, and presumably her small children wear pyjamas.

I think that was sarcasm.

He isn’t even giving OP notice so she can think about her daughters’ safety (and he should be the first one thinking of his daughters and wife).

He isn’t even considering OP’s wishes and her being uncomfortable means nothing to him.

OP should also ask him before she has friends to stay, no one has she shouldn’t.

If it happens every time it's hardly a surprise, is it?

Not when their discomfort is unreasonable.
And if it was a man telling his wife she couldn't have her friends to stay, everyone would be saying that he was controlling.

Any house guests should be okayed with a spouse.

It shouldn’t be up to young kids to modify their behaviour to avoid predators, their parents should be looking out for them by not having strange men in the house.

Really badly done sarcasm by Chat GPT probably.

That, and an illustration of where logic takes you if you think a man who has known your husband for 40 years is a risk to your daughters. Of course it's possible, but the odds are against it, just as they are for a coach carrying a school party crashing during a 40-minute drive on the M1 (the latter a real example from a mother at my DD's primary school when I asked her if her daughter was looking forward to the school trip the following day).

Has everyone saying OP IBU read the part that Bob lives no further away from the pub (or where ever they go) than OP?

I'm starting to think we must be missing something. Why can't Bob go home???

I don't think the dressing gown or breakfast etc is the issue here. For me it would be the kids waking up in the night to go to the bathroom and finding a strange man in there. Your husband should of course have some say in who stays over, but I'd want him to be concerned about this and make sure the children know that he is likely to stay over. Agree with OP though that it seems totally unnecessary!

If you didnt have kids I'd say to get over it as only once a year, but this feels a bit different.

Pyjamas don’t protect kids from abuse.

It’s not OP being disingenuous, it’s the people on this thread who are ignoring the rate at which child abuse happens in UK by men known to the family.

🤣😂🤣

Thanks. I wrote every word myself, in disbelief that a known man staying overnight in a house with children in it takes some people straight to 'molester'.

Yes DH should announce a possible stay over but he’s probably scared to.

He’s the DH’s oldest friend, not some random bloke he met down the pub. Why is he automatically deemed a threat?

One minute the kids are going to be interfered with getting ready, the next they shouldn't be modifying their behaviour.

No wonder Bob rarely visits, poor sod.

Was just about to write exactly this.

How many abuse victims are victims due to new partners or birth fathers yet blended families are rife

Here is some better Chat GPT for you

• Sexual Abuse: Studies frequently cite that 1 in 4 women have experienced sexual abuse before the age of 16
• Perpetrators: In over 90% of cases, the perpetrator of child sexual abuse is someone known to the child, such as a family member or trusted adult.
• Underreporting: A significant amount of child abuse is never reported. Studies show that less than 1 in 4 individuals who experience child sexual abuse report it
• Gender Disparities: While physical abuse is experienced at similar rates between genders, females are more likely to experience sexual and emotional abuse