DD had to pay for food at friend’s birthday party

[WalkAway7]

Just look for advice from mums of teenagers. My DD (15) was invited to a birthday day out by a friend of hers. The plan was a day out in the city. We were asked to drop and collect our own children. When my DC have parties we always collect (using two vehicles) the kids from a central point and drop back to the same point. Anyway, another friend’s parents agreed to drop our girls and we agreed to pick them up (40 mins drive each way). My daughter came home and said they went to KFC and had to buy their own food (the parents had gone off for a few hours and they weren’t being collected until much later).
So I sent my daughter, with a card and gift voucher (same child gave sweets to our DD on her 15th birthday) and we were expected to drop, collect and feed on our children. How is this a “party”?
The parents are not poor as all our DDs all attend private school but perhaps cultural differences influence their decisions…
My question - the parents of the birthday girl should pay for the food?

Its pretty normal for the birthday teen to ask friends if they want to meet up and go for food. The expectation is that everybody pays their own way unless otherwise specified. There is no need to bring anything but sometimes a card and token e.g sweets are given to the birthday teen.

I find that very unusual. I don't know any secondary school kid who doesn't have a card.
What do your kids do if they want to buy something with their friends after school? Or if they want to buy a book or a game or even a bottle of water when you're not around?

This is probably why the parents are well off.

It's not very generous to expect 15-year-olds to pay for their own food when they're gathering to celebrate a friend's birthday. You'd expect them to make it clear they needed to bring their own money, otherwise. No idea what's normal these days, but when I was that age in the 90s, parents would provide food for their child/teen's birthday guests. The food doesn't have to be expensive, but if you can't afford KFC for everyone, don't invite people to eat there.

Agree with others that this is not a ‘party’. Would definitely expect to pay for own food at this age.

I think what you’re imagining is an actual party though. This was just mates hanging out in town.

If I was going shopping in town with a few friends for my birthday I don’t think anyone would expect that I paid the bill for lunch. This is the same for teenagers, they are moving more into that adult style party.

Set venue and catering then the host would pay, a meal out or day out with friends you wouldn’t expect the birthday person to pay. If you have super nice friends they sometimes pay for your meal

When mine were teens the invitee list was much reduced, maybe four including birthday child. They went out for a meal without adults and we picked up the cost. DC was told in advance what that included, for example two courses off the set lunchtime menu, one pop each and tap water on the table.

I do remember the guests all being very grateful and they didn’t abuse this. I wouldn’t dream of making them pay for themselves, even KFC, it’s no different from a meet up in town on Saturday otherwise.

Mine both had weekend/evening jobs at 16 so I didn’t fund any of their social lives after this. Including birthday parties, although we did host “gatherings” as they called them, at home and in the garden (17 year olds and WKD are not for the house).

My daughter was invited to soft play for a friends birthday last week. Once I had responded with a yes I was provided with bank details to pay for her entry 😂😂😂😂

Most parents probably would pay for the food, you’re right but it depends. My teenage DD was invited to the cinema for her friend’s bday a couple of weeks ago, it was a pretty long film in the evening. I gave her money for snacks which she did need, the parents didn’t cover food. I would likely have covered it but not all do.

@TheBlueKoala

Understand re SEN for your 16 year old.

12 is probably a “transitional” age for some elements of arrangements. But 15 is past that age for every teen I know.

Since the start of secondary, I have wanted mine to have access to money such that if the train is cancelled after school and they need to take a bus or cab, or a friend suggests going to grab a burger after sports practice, they can. And it’s the same for their friends.

Weird that you’d think her parents should pick up and drop off your child.

I would guess the parents were only in town as well because they decided to do some shopping or go for lunch after dropping the birthday girl off. If they’d had other plans that day, one of them would have dropped and gone, just like the other parents did with their girls.

All children in my DS school (talking about DS12 here because DS16 is in special school) go home directly with the bus after school (ends at 4 or 5 pm). He eats in school (prepaid) and has got his water bottle and cereal bars with him. If he wants to pass the shops on his way home he takes cash with him but he's usually too knackered.

He's never been to town just walking around. His friends come here (driven by parents) or we drive him to friends if he can't take the bus directly.

His age I took the train to go sleep at friends houses that my mum didn't even know. But this is really the norm where I live..

My kids were like that in primary school but now take public transport.

A friend of mine has a kid in a rural secondary school. He gets a bus to school and has to be dropped off and picked up all the time as there is no public transport. He still has a card for when he meets friends eg playing golf which she can easily top up if he needs more or decides to stay longer. I think a card is important so they have some independence or for emergencies.

that's very articulate for a teen message :)

"exams robbed my bday fr. town tmrw? u all owe me ngl"

Hahahaha yep 😀

This doesn't sound like a birthday, just a standard weekend meet up. Very strange.

They are 15. The parents aren’t hanging around to supervise and pay.

There was no invite to me just the birthday girl arranging the get together for her birthday with her friends

this is a bunch of friends arranging a hang out. Fully expect them all to pay their own way.

This!

Well yes, but by the sounds of it a day hanging out in the city requires the girls organizing transport beyond just walking in or getting the tube.

By the sounds of it the birthday was the reason to make the effort, but beyond that yes, it was just a meet up to hang out. It wasn’t a party that anyone was hosting, and the KFC wasn’t the main focus as a planned birthday meal.

They’re 15. And the idea you are obliged to herd the whole lot of them to and fro (in your two vehicles, if you have them) is insane. If your DD got sweets for her birthday from her teenage friend, why do you make a point of providing a card/gift token? Does your daughter have no agency of her own? You’re being way too involved. Just the fact they have to get lifts at all seems crazy to me. Is there no public transport?

A 15 year old is a child, not an adult in full time employment therefore I see it as part of my parenting role to pay for my teenagers special days like birthdays. This means paying for everyone else celebrating my teens special day. I have had to adjust my expectations because I'm the only one of my friends who sees it like this. I think they're cheap and they think I'm over the top but I think because I can afford to, i should pay for my teens friends if they've been invited out for a birthday day. We've been to children's parties where we've been asked to bring snacks to contribute to the party food ! None of our friends are struggling financially.

"We were asked to drop and collect our own children."

Who asked you to do that though?