DD had to pay for food at friend’s birthday party

[WalkAway7]

Just look for advice from mums of teenagers. My DD (15) was invited to a birthday day out by a friend of hers. The plan was a day out in the city. We were asked to drop and collect our own children. When my DC have parties we always collect (using two vehicles) the kids from a central point and drop back to the same point. Anyway, another friend’s parents agreed to drop our girls and we agreed to pick them up (40 mins drive each way). My daughter came home and said they went to KFC and had to buy their own food (the parents had gone off for a few hours and they weren’t being collected until much later).
So I sent my daughter, with a card and gift voucher (same child gave sweets to our DD on her 15th birthday) and we were expected to drop, collect and feed on our children. How is this a “party”?
The parents are not poor as all our DDs all attend private school but perhaps cultural differences influence their decisions…
My question - the parents of the birthday girl should pay for the food?

This all sounds normal to me at 15.

You start by, saying "My DD (15) was invited to a birthday day out by a friend of hers."
Then you ask ""How is this a “party”?"
Why?

If you were right in your first statement, then you knew it wasn't a party, because your daughter was never invited to a party. It was a group of teens going out into the city for a day of shopping and some food. Much like adults might. The only difference was that you dropped them and picked them up because none of them drive. I'm surprised that they were all being taken in and picked up actually, unless you live somewhere with no public transport?

At 15 you're a long way past those kind of birthday parties!

It wasn’t a party…it was a day out for one of the girls birthdays….I would say everyone pay their own way

Main thing is to teach dd to match their energy. So OP should just give this friend sweets in future for her birthday and not pay for her.

Pretty normal for teenagers, they're just hanging out, it's not a party, there's no party bags, or pass the parcel.

I don't think you csn really complain about how much you spend on her birthday gift AFTER she'd given your daughter a cheaper gift. There was nothing stopping you matching them.

My DD is 14 but August born so the same year group. No way would I send her into town without money for food & drinks.

By that age it’s more hanging out than a birthday party as such.

We have two nearby cinemas - one is accessible by train. When DS went out for his birthday a couple of months ago, I absolutely encouraged him to pick that one as I would have had to do a couple of runs otherwise (only one car). I did buy the tickets and gave money for popcorn, but everyone paid their own trains. Some of them gave him a card, some of them gave him money, some gave funny cheap presents.

At 15, it’s up to the kids now what they do. I think you are overthinking

In my day ( I’m 54) that would be called socialising with friends, not a party! They are 15!

i would have expected to pay if it was my daughter’s birthday day out

definitely!

Pretty standard for teenagers to cover their own food. They should be capable of getting the bus/ train together too rather than being ferried everywhere by parents. About the right age to have a casual job for pocket money too so sweets given as a present for your daughters birthday is about right too, probably bought with their own money.

It’s about building independence at this age

Why are you so involved in it OP? By 15 mine would go to these kind of meet ups with friends for birthdays. They would get the train or bus to wherever they were going, do a bit of shopping/window shopping, get food and come home. I had nothing to do with it. They would sort their own card/gift. They aren't a bunch of 8 year olds.

So I sent my daughter, with a card and gift voucher (same child gave sweets to our DD on her 15th birthday)

My kids get a decent allowance and anything like KFC or that they want to buy their friends comes out of that. May be the same for this birthday girl. If you were disappointed to get sweets (was your Dd?) then DD could have done the same.

My dd has just turned 12 and did similar for her birthday. She met her friends at the train station in our town and they travelled together to the next city. I paid for train tickets, bowling and lunch, anything else they funded themselves. I also paid for dd19 and her friend who went along to supervise from a distance!
Dd invited her friends to celebrate her birthday so I can’t imagine not paying.

Once my dc were at secondary school they bought their friends presents themselves (things like a bar of chocolate or a lip gloss) and went out and did things for each other’s birthdays same as adults do.

Was this actually a party though? They are 15 and it sounds more like birthday girl just wanted to spend the day in the city with friends and her parents helped facilitate it somewhat by remaining nearby but leaving them to their own devices.

Perhaps if an unexpected pay for yourself meal at Nobu had been sprung on them on the day I’d half understand, but it was a few quid at a kfc they presumably went to off their own backs after getting hungry when they were out?

A birthday day out in the city doesn't sound like a party to me. At 15 I would probably expect the DCs to be hanging out together window shopping and going for food together. I wouldn't necessarily expect the parents to have paid for food for everyone. Also, get used to being the taxi service for your kids - it'll only get busier I fear!

i think the "standard" for teens birthdays varies from - they all pay for themselves; host parent pays for everything and host parent pays for somethings e.g. might pay for drinks but everyone covers their own food.

Generally the birthday child is appraised of the plan in advance and tells their friends.

The most unusual part of this particular "party" is OP sending her daughter with a card and gift voucher rather than leaving her DC to decide what to take.

It doesn’t sound like a birthday party. They are 15 and went into the city to hang out together, shop and get lunch? I would say it’s pretty normal for them to buy their own lunch.

My dd often meets up with friends and buys her own lunch. In a few years time your dd will be an adult and will probably go out with friends for birthdays and they will be buying lunch for the persons whose birthday it is?

My DD did something similar last weekend. They all got the train into the city centre together; we paid for her ticket and she bought her own lunch and did some shopping. They did an activity in town which was paid for by the birthday girl’s parents and went back to birthday girl’s house for pizza and cake, which they provided. Totally normal and expected.

The norm here for that age unless stated otherwise. And at 15 unless it’s a long distance /special needs/ very rural, the teens would get public transport together.

My daughter is younger than yours, she recently went to a shopping centre with friends for one of their birthdays - I sent her with money on her bank card for lunch because I thought she would pay for her own food but the mum did actually buy it for them. I don’t think it’s surprising for this kind of set up though, it’s not the same as a party

It’s not a party, it sounds like a day out with friends to celebrate another friends birthday, pretty typical of teenagers. I would probably expect your dd to pay for her own meal, I wouldn’t expect the birthday girl’s parents to hang around with them and pay for the meal.

At that age I would have expected the parents to confirm what the situation was. I do remember paying for DD and about 7 friends to have a pizza for her birthday. If I wasn't going to pay, I would have advised the parents to send their DDs with money for food and drink.