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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH time v my time

193 replies

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:33

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 21/02/2026 10:41

Yes. You should have equal amounts of free time. You need to sit down together at a calm time and discuss this. Write down in black and white, what you are both doing and exactly how much free time you have. If these things aren't addressed properly as a team with the intention of working together in everybody's best interests then resentment will ultimately follow. If you you then end up splitting up, he will have less free time and you will finally get some while he has the kids on his time off. It's in everyone's best interest to get this sorted now. It won't get better by ignoring it or accepting that he gets to live a full life and you don't.

Legolaslady · 21/02/2026 10:42

You might as well be single.

Does he not want to interact with his children either?

Shinyandnew1 · 21/02/2026 10:43

He sounds like he’s being an arse, yes.

I am probably missing the point here but how do you only do 8.50-3.30 hours as a teacher and do all the school drop offs and pick ups?!

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 21/02/2026 10:44

What's the point of being married to him?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 21/02/2026 10:45

What’s his justification for golf not “counting”?

Greenqueen40 · 21/02/2026 10:46

What about all the extra time you spend doing prep and marking?? I expect you do close to 50hrs as well. Write it all down with timings and present it to him, he can't deny the imbalance if it's in front of him in black and white!

ProfMummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 21/02/2026 10:47

he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count.

Oh yes they fucking do!

Iloveshihtzus · 21/02/2026 10:48

Just to give you perspective. DBIL works shifts as an ER - senior nurse on night shift- he then comes home and gets sleep while his wife, a teacher - drops kids to school. He collects kids, cooks dinner and does the laundry. He goes to work. Mum feeds older kids dinner. He tidied house when he wakes up, before he collects the kids.

This shows that it is not your role to do all the housework - you are not in a good relationship.

user1476613140 · 21/02/2026 10:49

This is always going to be the case if one is doing shift work. DH has been doing office work for nine years because the shifts were just interfering with family life.

MsJJones · 21/02/2026 10:51

You’re a teacher but you work 8.50-3.30? How is that possible?

I am a teacher and DH does all the morning dropoffs as I need to be at work by 8am at the latest. If he has an early start DC go to breakfast club. They go to after school or activity clubs and one of us picks them up from there around 5.30. We don’t do evening activities other than those at school. Housework, bedtimes, cooking etc is shared equally.

Clearly with shift work it will be harder to plan, but yes you need to have equal free time. Is there a pattern to his shifts or are they different each month?

Strawberryfruitstarburst · 21/02/2026 10:53

This all sounds quite messy and I’m tired just reading it.

In households where both parents don’t do a typical 9-5, you need to strip it all back and have a plan to share childcare and household work as equally as possible. It doesn’t have to be totally equal as life doesn’t work like that but it DOES need to be fair in terms of one person having lots of free time.

It might help you to be more rigid about it and write it all down on a spreadsheet. He can’t argue with the facts and if he does he’s a twat.

Tell him if he’s too tired on Sundays then he needs to drop golf and rest on Saturdays.
Tell him he can stop the parent breakfast every Saturday and move that to once a month or take the kids with him.

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:53

Shinyandnew1 · 21/02/2026 10:43

He sounds like he’s being an arse, yes.

I am probably missing the point here but how do you only do 8.50-3.30 hours as a teacher and do all the school drop offs and pick ups?!

My classes start at 850 and finish at 315...I leave work at 330 to go pick the kids up from the childminder I mean. I drop them into school and bus for 815 then I am in work for 830.

I do my marking over my lunch every day so I only bring a small amount home with me in the evenings the I'll do about two hours prep on a Sunday night when they are all in bed.

I've Tried talking to him about this but he was raised in a family obsessed with golf and all plans are made around him his brother and dad golfing. Even his mum will tell me how hard he works and how he gets no time to himself. I've actually stopped going to his family things as I cannot be bothered listening to it while they behave like I do nothing

OP posts:
Strawberryfruitstarburst · 21/02/2026 10:56

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:53

My classes start at 850 and finish at 315...I leave work at 330 to go pick the kids up from the childminder I mean. I drop them into school and bus for 815 then I am in work for 830.

I do my marking over my lunch every day so I only bring a small amount home with me in the evenings the I'll do about two hours prep on a Sunday night when they are all in bed.

I've Tried talking to him about this but he was raised in a family obsessed with golf and all plans are made around him his brother and dad golfing. Even his mum will tell me how hard he works and how he gets no time to himself. I've actually stopped going to his family things as I cannot be bothered listening to it while they behave like I do nothing

Show quote history

Urgh they would all give me the ick massively.

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:56

MsJJones · 21/02/2026 10:51

You’re a teacher but you work 8.50-3.30? How is that possible?

I am a teacher and DH does all the morning dropoffs as I need to be at work by 8am at the latest. If he has an early start DC go to breakfast club. They go to after school or activity clubs and one of us picks them up from there around 5.30. We don’t do evening activities other than those at school. Housework, bedtimes, cooking etc is shared equally.

Clearly with shift work it will be harder to plan, but yes you need to have equal free time. Is there a pattern to his shifts or are they different each month?

In my work we have to be in by 845 and we are free to go once classes are over I am in Northern Ireland I think it's different here.

my kids activities start at 4/430 so I can only sta late one day a week on work

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 21/02/2026 10:57

He definitely needs to take the kids to parent breakfast. Even if they miss an activity, unless it’s team sport. I’d tell him it’s that or I’m gone the entire next weekend, and he can solo parent like I do, which he must expect feels just like getting Saturday off.

Actually fuck that , he thinks you get saturdays off. Give him a Saturday off. Get him to take the kids to breakfast and message him you’re gifting him a Saturday off like he thinks you’re so lucky to have every week, here’s the schedule and I’ll be back tomorrow.

Luckyingame · 21/02/2026 10:57

Choices.
I couldn't do what you do, OP, even without a golf twat husband.
Sorry.

sittingonabeach · 21/02/2026 11:00

I wouldn't have added a puppy into the mix!

I couldn't be a golf widow. How much parenting does he do?

What is he like during the school holidays?

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:01

His parents live 45 mins away so they can't go on the breakfast or I'd have to drive and get them back. The younger ones ised to go to his parents on a Saturday while the older one had matches but they hated going found it very boring so we all just head to the matches now on a Saturday morning they find those boring too though but it's only an hour or two

he tells me how lazy I am but I really don't think I am the house is spotless the kids get to do all their activities and don't miss out. Dinners are made I don't see how I'm lazy to him

OP posts:
MathsMum3 · 21/02/2026 11:03

80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 10:53

My classes start at 850 and finish at 315...I leave work at 330 to go pick the kids up from the childminder I mean. I drop them into school and bus for 815 then I am in work for 830.

I do my marking over my lunch every day so I only bring a small amount home with me in the evenings the I'll do about two hours prep on a Sunday night when they are all in bed.

I've Tried talking to him about this but he was raised in a family obsessed with golf and all plans are made around him his brother and dad golfing. Even his mum will tell me how hard he works and how he gets no time to himself. I've actually stopped going to his family things as I cannot be bothered listening to it while they behave like I do nothing

Show quote history

Blimey! Sorry to sidetrack, but teacher here, and how on earth do you manage with this amount or marking and prep time? I would typically do at least 2 hours per day after school, and minimum half a day at the weekend. And what about staff meetings? I would typically have at least one per fortnight.

Mosman2020 · 21/02/2026 11:04

There’s no point in having a conversation with somebody like this. He literally sees you as a bang maid.
Do you want to be a bang maid?
however, there’s no point in divorcing him either. You’ll just get less help and less money.

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:04

sittingonabeach · 21/02/2026 11:00

I wouldn't have added a puppy into the mix!

I couldn't be a golf widow. How much parenting does he do?

What is he like during the school holidays?

Ah the school holidays he works as normal because it was my choice to be a teacher her and knew I'd be off with the kids when they were off so my fault. He books off a week in summer for us to go on holiday then a few days at Xmas...he's booked two days off at Easter as we are going away but he isn't jointing us until later as there is a golf competition on he cannot miss. But when the kids are off school they are my responsibility which Makes sense but he really doesn't put himself out for me or the kids but acts like he does. He also doesn't earn more than me I actually earn a bit more than him so it's not like I'm 'kept' either

OP posts:
Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:06

MathsMum3 · 21/02/2026 11:03

Blimey! Sorry to sidetrack, but teacher here, and how on earth do you manage with this amount or marking and prep time? I would typically do at least 2 hours per day after school, and minimum half a day at the weekend. And what about staff meetings? I would typically have at least one per fortnight.

Show quote history

I am secondary, I don't have any coursework classes so my marking is books and tests. We do have a meeting one a Fortnight which I stay for but even then it's only until 4pm our boss is very good and very family oriented herself

OP posts:
Legolaslady · 21/02/2026 11:07

Honestly.... Just book a weekend away for yourself and leave him to it

Then when he obviously complains... Just leave him for good. He sounds awful

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/02/2026 11:08

Draw up a schedule of what you both do and how much free time you actually have. I did this for DH and asked him why it was he had so much more free time than me and how he justified that. Once he saw it written down he realised and picked up more tasks. He wasn’t seeing all the stuff I was doing outside of my working hours.

He did try to say “I didn’t ask you to do all those things” but I pointed out that he effectively did expect me to do it if he wasn’t doing it. If he wasn’t doing the school run or cooking meals then who did he think was going to do it.

It wasn’t deliberate on his part, it was just living in his own bubble and once that bubble was burst things improved.

Original poster
80sbabyxx · 21/02/2026 11:09

He just makes me feel like I'm so unreasonable when I complain I'm run ragged.

my eldest isn't his and her dad used to help a bit with her activities but had a new baby last year so he dos four days a month and that's that. I just find it unfair that when technically there's 3 parents it's only me doing all the running

OP posts:
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