Withdrew from mum frenemy and she turned up today!

[Anotherwine]

I met someone who I thought was a mum friend around 2yrs ago but she started showing her true colours criticising other friends children’s behaviour enabling her own children especially one being a nasty bully.

i tried to give constructive feedback but there was always an excuse. I found the final straw when a few others from the group wanted a no drama day trip with the kids to the beach, we were open that we were going as we saw her the same morning before we left and she went mental and threw a fit ~ this is not my type of person. I don’t do cliques and feel everyone is free to do as they wish. When my children don’t get invited to parties I say well that’s life etc. there was a party she was not invited to and she turned up and I just paid as I felt awkward.

anyway today she turns up at my house I saw her on the camera, I had to shut the blinds and hide - this has really freaked me out. She messaged me last about 6 months ago and haven’t seen her since (not at same school). I didn’t reply to last message and ones before I just gave very short replies. Not sure how to not feel on edge now in my own home !

I can't imagine being a grown up and hiding in my own home, checking cameras and closing blinds. That's unnecessarily dramatic.

I think it’s worse to plan a trip and we lie about where we are going after immediately seeing her that morning - she finds out than be open personally. Someone told me in recent months they were having a play date with 2 other mums and hopefully it didn’t annoy me but they wanted to keep is small. People can do what they want !

There is no group chat and I haven’t mentioned to anyone else thanks.

She probably is wondering why I don’t want to be friends with her as she imposes on others.

What if you are Jason Bournes girlfriend?

I am not still ruminating - SHe appeared at MY house !!!!!????

There's always that one exception, of course.

You are not covering yourself in glory

You sound as if you quite enjoy the fact she’s excluded because you seem VERY judgemental towards her and her parenting style.

If there’s a group and only one kid watches YouTube it shouldn’t impact at all on the rest of the kids.

Did she ring your door bell?

Yes, and you have no idea why.

🤣🤣🤣

I think OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time here. In the same way that mumsnet says that you don’t need a “valid” reason to break up with someone - you can just not want to be with them anymore, the same must be true of a friendship, and the other woman is at best oblivious to boundaries. OP doesn’t like confrontation so I understand her wanting to distance herself and avoid her.

No But saying you don’t do cliques and then doing them and saying you don’t like drama then locking down your home like the air raid siren has gone off because a car has driven down your street and then waiting six minutes in lockdown hiding from someone you haven’t seen or heard from for two years and calling them a frenemy is quite ludicrous.

Absolutely @Ineedtoseetobelieve32. If this was an ex, everyone would be saying it was a massive red flag that he was just turning up - particularly six months after the last contact. But for some reason when it’s a former friend, it’s all “Awwh, she probably just wants a chat! Don’t be mean”.

I remember a thread a while back where the OP was still being pestered by a former friend seven years later. There were STILL some posters telling her that she had obviously never given this friend “closure” and that she “owes her a conversation”. Barmy!

OP still hasn't answered this!

Also crazy how invested some posters are in defending her.

That’s quite the security camera you have if it picks up people driving past on the road with such clarity that you can identify not only the car but the driver! As an aside, you also need to change the orientation because you are filming people on the public highway without their consent.

Apart from that however, how much time do you spend staring at the footage from your security camera?! And do you run around pulling blinds every time someone you don’t like goes past in their car in case they come back to your door?!

@Anotherwine in response to you quoting me.. Well maybe, but then why did you see her that morning?

Either way shes upset because you spent the morning with her then your options are: 1. Tell her openly you're all going to the beach without her "because people are free to exclude people" or 2. Hide it from her and risk her finding out you excluded her. Youre still excluding her. Its still mean girls. You could have gone with 3. We have this trip planned - might see you there. But you didnt. You spent the morning with her and told her she wasnt welcome at the rest of the day that everyone else was welcome to

And your comparison with the play date isnt the same, they have to think about space in their home. Meeting in the morning to say were all going to the beach later, except you isnt. And if people can do what they like - she liked to turn up and join you. She probably didnt realise she was expressly excluded by mums she perceived as her friends.

You say in another reply "She probably is wondering why I don’t want to be friends with her as she imposes on others." Well yes she probably is because of the way youre treating her. And actually you were quite willing to impose her exclusion or in the morning when you guys told her your plans you could have said - come if youre free. Just because you are quietly doing it doesnt mean you arent also imposing, passive agression is still agression.

You dont have to like her or be her friend. But dont play with her. Just text her and tell her whatever you like, the block her. That way she wont wonder and you wont have to deal with a woman who feels rejected who "might start the whole long emotive messages asking what she’s done wrong etc etc" because goodness me it would be terrible to show compassion to a woman who reasonably mistook you for her friend. She probably came to your house to resolve it because she doesnt know why you excluded her or that you arent friends.

Then you can get back to the absolutely undramatic response of closing blinds and hiding in your own home to avoid an adult conversation.

@Anotherwine

So did she actually come to your house and knock on your door or did she drive down the road and park for reasons you have no clue about.

Agree - it's not "excluding" her to do things with other people, you're allowed to decide who you do and don't want to hang out with

I completely understand your reaction but, I do agree with the others you might feel better if you stand your ground with her.
Be polite but face her use very short answers like if she says do you have time for say not today.
Try not to smile too much, try to be angry with her this really helps,me stand my ground.I am a person who doesn't get angry often.
She will anyway get the message and leave you alone.She sounds awful by the way.

Crazy how invested some posters are in getting OP to spend time with a woman she doesn’t like and hasn’t been in contact with in six months.

Well doesn’t look like she knocked as you said she appeared on foot. Nothing about ringing the doorbell

People are mostly suggesting that closing the blinds and hiding is not a normal response to someone you used to know driving past your house.

It depends on who "we" are. Just as with class parties it's fucking mean to exclude just some- perfectly fine to invite just some though. If you are 10 at work and invited 8 that would be mean.