Withdrew from mum frenemy and she turned up today!

[Anotherwine]

I met someone who I thought was a mum friend around 2yrs ago but she started showing her true colours criticising other friends children’s behaviour enabling her own children especially one being a nasty bully.

i tried to give constructive feedback but there was always an excuse. I found the final straw when a few others from the group wanted a no drama day trip with the kids to the beach, we were open that we were going as we saw her the same morning before we left and she went mental and threw a fit ~ this is not my type of person. I don’t do cliques and feel everyone is free to do as they wish. When my children don’t get invited to parties I say well that’s life etc. there was a party she was not invited to and she turned up and I just paid as I felt awkward.

anyway today she turns up at my house I saw her on the camera, I had to shut the blinds and hide - this has really freaked me out. She messaged me last about 6 months ago and haven’t seen her since (not at same school). I didn’t reply to last message and ones before I just gave very short replies. Not sure how to not feel on edge now in my own home !

Perhaps she has no idea you don’t want to communicate. I mean, you are hiding and pretending you are out rather than talking to her to let her know how you feel.

Also frenemy, drama etc all tend to be words and expressions used by people who end up perpetuating a cycle of being involved in exactly the situation they (you) claim not to like.

That's a good point about other possibilities.

Seems to me, @Anotherwine, that maybe you should figure out some polite distancing way to say that you're just on different wavelengths and don't think your children are a good match.

By the way, criticising other friends children’s behaviour is normal (otherwise known as "gossip"), and enabling your own children is also normal maternal bevaviour.

This is my worst nightmare. I hate overbearing people like this.
I dont know what everyone is on about on this thread. You do NOT owe anyone friendship, and its perfectly acceptable to make plans with people you actually like and not invite people you do not.

I think you are just going to have to be more assertive and take the hit.
I can understand if shes blow up in anger before, why you hid when she randomly appeared at your house. I dont like drama and I too, would have just pretended not to be in if that was sprung on me.
She sounds demented. No wonder her child is a bully if this is how the mother thinks its acceptable to navigate interpersonal relationships.

Unfortunately it is a case of just having to at some point face her anger and nonsense.
If she turns up at your house again open the door but do not invite her in under any circumstances and clearly tell her you do not want any more communication.
I know this is actually a really hard thing to do. And she wont react well. She will try and make you feel like shit about it. But trust me people like this rely on being able to control others through assuming everyone is going to be polite and play ball.
Just dont.
Just tell her to go away and shut the door. If she texts just reply with 'please dont contact me again' and then block her number.

Oh well that was lucky! Imagine the fortuitousness that you just happened to be looking at the video and there she was driving down the street!
Does she drive a particularly remarkable car?

She reminds me of a woman at work who is just like this. Extremely pushy and throws a fit if not invited to a small lunch. Thank goodness we WFH most of the time.

I just smile and nod when I see her in the office. She dm's me a lot, and I keep it very neutral as many other of the girls have been stung by her reporting stuff they've told her.

Re unwanted house visitors, I hid as a kid, but now I'm certainly not scared to open the door and tell them to leave. Especially annoying charity collectors who always arrive as we sit down to dinner. Try it. It feels good to have that power. If you can't call the shots in your own house, you're lost. Take back some control and stand up for yourself.

If she was a friend, how has she never been to your house before? Your story doesn't quite add up.

I teach my kids to hide from those really.annoying Hello Fresh people that canvas us every month. They are so annoying!

If she’s never been to your house before, how did she get your address?

So she didn't actually come to your house, she drove down your street..?

You're not getting much sympathy 😂

It is a bit mean to exclude someone from a beach trip imo. However, you don't need a reason to not be friends with someone, if they generally get on your nerves or make you feel anxious. Honestly though, you can't be in a situation where you're so uncomfortable you're hiding in your own house! Better to rip the plaster off. If it were me, I'd be blunt but as polite as possible in the circumstances. You are busy and don't want to rekindle the friendship. You'll feel better once you've done it, otherwise you'll be forever looking over your shoulder.

Btw I think a frenemy is someone you have a bit of a love / hate relationship with. Often because you're very competitive with that person and want to outdo them. Or maybe because you have to pretend to get along with because you see each other all the time, so are sort of sarcastically over-nice? It's not an ex-friend you hide from 😅

More holes than Emmental!

Part of the same friendship group but has never been to the OPs house. No overbearing person would wait two years for an invite.

Well if she drove down your road and all the blinds were open and then she drove back and they were all closed it is obvious that you are at home 🤣

You clearly communicate really badly and encourage drama. You saw her in the morning before you headed off to a cliquey outing with all your mutual friends when she wasn't invited, and it sounds like you told her about it - to what ends?

Grow up, stop ghosting people like some pathetic teen and hiding from someone who hasn't actually done a specific thing.

Constructive criticism aye?

I would send a message and say something like
“I’ve seen on my doorbell cam that you came to my house today. After you kicked off about the beach last year I don’t think we should remain friends, I really value a low drama life. Wishing you all the best but please don’t contact me again. Thanks”

Just because everyone isn't invited to everything, it doesn't mean there are cliques.

If a child is deemed to be a nasty bully to other children, causing upset, then it follows that other parents will choose to step away, particularly when a parent refuses to take action.

What exactly is confusing about that?
Avoiding bullys is a very wise and reasonable response.

"Going mental and threw a fit" at not being invited is exactly the sort of behaviour that adults step completely away from other adults, and wisely so.

Not everyone totolerates drama.
Some of us step away and refuse to give it oxygen.
It's not the OP's job to be schooling this woman in how to behave.

Someone who turns up at your door when you have clearly not been engaging with them, is someone who refuses to take no for an answer.

Perhaps others are giving her the cold shoulder and she thinks the OP is a soft touch.

OP's instincts are her choice.
She doesn't want to be around drama.

Even more reason not to answer the door, canvassing!

I think the best thing to do is ask all your friends to ignore her at breaktimes, don’t let her sit with you at lunch, and don’t talk to her for the next few years, not even at your leaving prom.

I’ll be honest and say I also thought this..

Did she pull your hair in the playground too?

OP, are you twelve?

Sure not everyone can be invited to everything, but when "we" saw her on the morning "we" were going to the beach and told her "we" were going, that sounds a lot like cliquey behaviour. Sure "going mental and throwing a fit" isn't an appropriate response but we only have OP's word that this is what happened, I would be surprised if the "frenemy" would describe her response that way.

In regards to the "nasty bully" of course parents are entitled to step away from children who caused upset to others. However calling a child a bully is highly emotive / subjective. If OP is so against criticism of others' children then she probably shouldn't go throwing that term around or some might think her hypocritical.

This is MN though...no-one answers the door 😂

I understand what you mean about realising what this woman is like and her not being your cup of tea but I do think not answering the door ramps things up unnecessarily. It would have better to answer the door and say sorry got stuff on today. It might be hard but I do think that’s better than hiding at home which she likely wont understand. It also just seems pointed and unkind.