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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to leave?

317 replies

Roulett · 20/02/2026 11:20

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

OP posts:
Citrusbergamia · 20/02/2026 11:23

Difficult one as you had plans for the weekend that you clearly want to stick to but I know I would have stayed to help my DD; especially with the baby being so poorly.

But where is her DH/children's Dad?

Original poster
Roulett · 20/02/2026 11:24

The father is around, he’s working but he’s at home evenings and overnights.

OP posts:
Chipper28 · 20/02/2026 11:25

Of course you didn't have to stay, but I can imagine how desperate your daughter was for sleep. The fact you put a friend's granddaughter's christening above helping your own family has probably upset her quite a bit. I think I'd be gutted if my mum didn't stay to help me when my kid was in hospital because she wanted to go to another kid's christening that she's not even related to. Equally, your DD has a DH (although I assume he's caring for their older child while your DD is at the hospital?) and lots of people have to muddle through with no support.

Everintroverte · 20/02/2026 11:25

Difficult as you had plans already. What has son in law been doing, surely he should be helping?

Twasasurprise · 20/02/2026 11:28

When is the christening of your friend's granddaughter? Could you have stayed an extra day or two to do both? (I would have stayed as long as I could and forego the christening, but we all have different priorities.)

ilovepuppies2019 · 20/02/2026 11:28

Was the baby out of hospital? if not then YABU as that’s one the most stressful experiences. Presumably her DH would have been with the older child and see would have needed someone to give her a break at the hospital, bring supplies and support her. If the baby had been out of a few days then that’s a bit different as presumably she was tired but she and her DH could have tag teamed to give the other a rest. I think staying would have been the right thing to do unless the baby was quite recovered. I’d the bag was now fine then I would also have left.

Coka · 20/02/2026 11:29

I think it was fine for them to ask and fine for you to say no. The babies dad should be taking a day off to help out if needed since the baby has just been discharged from hospital.

Original poster
Roulett · 20/02/2026 11:29

The baby got out the night before I left.

OP posts:
randomchap · 20/02/2026 11:31

Personally I would have stayed.

An ill child and shattered parents should take priority over a friend's grandchild being christened

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/02/2026 11:31

Not unreasonable at all. There are two parents there, it’s their job to get on with it.

Tiswa · 20/02/2026 11:32

I mean it says a lot about you and your relationship that when your daughter said she needed you and understandably needed her mother you left

it is perfectly within your right to do so you had plans you made a choice to stick with the agreement to go to a christening

However your daughter has every right to feel hurt and abandoned and have it affect your relationship with her

I8toys · 20/02/2026 11:34

I would have stayed. They asked for help.

nomas · 20/02/2026 11:36

I think it’s good you kept your commitment to your friend, a christening is important too.

Your dd needs to realise that you have a life beyond ‘mum’ and ‘grandmother’.

You helped her a lot, her DH needs to step up.

ChikinLikin · 20/02/2026 11:37

You stayed to help for several days but she still wanted more and is now guilt tripping you. She is finding it hard having two kids and probably nothing you do will be enough for her. You could offer to come and help again soon, but you should not feel guilty for going to the christening. Your life is important too.

AmberUser · 20/02/2026 11:38

You were already doing her a favour, and were well within your rights to say no to more. Yanbu.

BudgetBuster · 20/02/2026 11:40

ChikinLikin · 20/02/2026 11:37

You stayed to help for several days but she still wanted more and is now guilt tripping you. She is finding it hard having two kids and probably nothing you do will be enough for her. You could offer to come and help again soon, but you should not feel guilty for going to the christening. Your life is important too.

She asked her to stay and help because the baby was obviously extremely poorly to be hospitalised. I'm sure if the baby hadn't been so I'll, the mother wouldn't be so exhausted.

It takes alot to reach out and ask for help. I think personally I would have stayed and I know my mother would have stayed.

Obviously the OP can prioritise whatever she wants but I can completely understand her daughters upset.

Tiswa · 20/02/2026 11:42

Yes of course the OP is allowed a life and she has drawn a clear line in the sand about where her boundaries are. It is her right to do so

but it is also her daughters right to feel hurt and upset that when she asked for her mothers help and support she said no

we can only gatekeep our own boundaries and responses - here the OP wants both to have that boundary but also have her daughter not be upset and that isn’t fair

any choice comes with consequences and this one has - her daughter is allowed to feel upset about it and work through how she feels just as much as the OP was to make that choice in th first place

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2026 11:42

You had already done them a massive favour. You weren't being unreasonable. There are two adults to share the load, even if one is working during the day.

Carebeau · 20/02/2026 11:44

Who is she supposed to ask for extra help if not her own mum?

I actually don't think your plans were at all important in comparison. Your presence isn't exactly required at that expense of your daughter.

ChalkOrCheese · 20/02/2026 11:45

I'd have either stayed or gone and come back prepared to stay longer.

I know my parents would drop anything for me and I'd do the same for my kids.

My friend would have insisted I stay with my dd.

givemushypeasachance · 20/02/2026 11:46

If the dad is around at evenings and weekends, then she's not on her own with a 6yo and baby over the weekend. That suggests also that the dad wasn't taking time off work while the mum and baby were in hospital?

Over the weekend could dad not arrange a playdate for the 6yo to get them out of the house for a while and take the baby so she can catch up on some sleep during the day. If they have parent friends locally I'm sure they would be able to help out. You as grandma don't have to be the only option of help, presumably?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 20/02/2026 11:48

God... it's your choice but like...a friends GCs christening...?

They honestly dont give a shit if you attend and your DD has been in hospital dealing with your sick GC and you couldnt hang around for an extra day or two???

You came up for 2 day/ 2.5 max....and presumably they both work ...

You could easily have stayed...
Like I said it's totally your choice you dont owe her anything but I was making a grimace reading your OP.

It's just not how my family operates (and I mean that in both directions not just a GPs should be a bottomless pit of free childcare)

I'd be very hurt in her shoes and I think if you are very honest and it was reversed you would be too...

Luddite26 · 20/02/2026 11:48

You've asked so my opinion is you could have stayed but chose not to. You could have stayed till today and still got back for the christening. Being three hours away means you can't just pop back.
But you are in your rights to have gone. You had done your bit.
As a gran I would have stayed.
As a daughter I wouldn't have expected my mum to help as she always had her pets to see to and they always came before us and rightly so.

ChalkOrCheese · 20/02/2026 11:49

And tbh it doesn't really matter if her husband is there or not, she clearly wants her mum and feels shattered and exhausted so now isn't really the moment to teach her that ofes hard and she's made her bed and to lie in it.

Of course you're entitled to plans but the christened baby won't give a shit about your attendance and your friend will have her family there. What would your friend do? Is she the sort that would have stayed for her dd?

Logoplanter · 20/02/2026 11:49

Does the six year old have additional needs? Has your DD been having a hard time with postnatal depression? I'm trying to understand why she needed help in half term. It is hard being a parent to two kids but most people manage it without needing additional help during holidays, as nice as it might be to have it.

In the absence of positive answers to the above questions I personally don't think you were being unreasonable to leave as the baby was out of hospital and the dad is around. It would have obviously been easier for your DD if you stayed but she doesn't have any right to be moody and annoyed at you for leaving, that's just rude.