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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I right to leave?

317 replies

Roulett · 20/02/2026 11:20

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

OP posts:
Grannydorey · 20/02/2026 12:39

Dollymylove · 20/02/2026 12:35

Many families have no family support whatsoever. They have to deal with it beat they can. Im sure your DD will cope, it's called parenthood and they just have to get on with it

It’s not a race to the bottom. The daughter asked her mum to stay because she needed her (although I’m sure she’ll cope regardless) and the mum chose not to bother. Parenthood applies to the mum too, you don’t stop being a parent once your children are adults.

DurinsBane · 20/02/2026 12:40

I would have stayed. If it was something like a close friends funeral or similar you had to go to, fair enough. But for most things I think I would have cancelled to stay and help

Barrenfieldoffucks · 20/02/2026 12:41

Regardless of anything else, I would have wanted to stay to be near my grandchild.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/02/2026 12:42

As someone that doesn't live near parents she should be used managing her child's needs with just her and DH. It would have been nice if you'd been able to stay but I don't think that you're wrong to have other plans and things going on in your life.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/02/2026 12:46

Sounds like the Dad needs to step up ALOT more.

There’s not reason why your DD can’t catch up on sleep this weekend when her husband is around.

People aren’t always at their most reasonable when sleep deprived though.

thetinsoldier · 20/02/2026 12:50

She is not U to ask but you are not a U to say no - you already helped for 4 days. And over the weekend her h will be there, so he can step up.

She is U to be short with you, though.

Is her h helpful?

Bearbookagainandagain · 20/02/2026 12:53

I disagree with your priorities. Picking an unrelated child christening over your own family's needs is really odd to me.

But it was your choice ultimately and you're free to do as you like. Hope you had fun at the party.

FoamShrimps · 20/02/2026 12:53

Where I come from we call this a “dick move.”

thetinsoldier · 20/02/2026 12:58

SargeMarge · 20/02/2026 12:35

@Roulett
When you go to the christening tomorrow, and you see your friend and she asked about your week, will you say “Well, my baby grandson ended up in hospital for a night and my daughter and husband are pretty tired and stressed and needed some help, but I left them to come to this event.” Do you think your friend would say you did the right thing? Or would she tell you that you’d been stupid to prioritise the christening of a child who has nothing to do with you.

Don’t be daft! She could say ‘I’ve been with my daughter all week, helping her look after the ill baby. The baby had to go into hospital for treatment but was released the same day. I’m glad I was there to support her.’

thetinsoldier · 20/02/2026 12:59

Also, are there other grandparents to help? If so, were you the only one to be asked to help?

Worktillate · 20/02/2026 13:01

I think we could do with a little clarification on a couple of points here @Roulett to make this all fair

Did you drive to your DDs?
What day was/is the Christening?
Did your son in law take any time off work to help over half term/with baby being ill?
Was baby admitted to hospital or taken to A&E?

I think just gives us more context

Lightingfail · 20/02/2026 13:01

I don't think you're being unreasonable to leave when you want to leave, it's your life after all, but you come across as being very emotionally detached. You refer to the kids as your daughters children, yet these are also your grandchildren and one of them was poorly enough to need hospital treatment. Perhaps your daughter also feels this.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 20/02/2026 13:03

Does she not manage her children well anyway? Since she needed help at half term, even without them being sick?

Most people just get on with it. Too much help debilitates people and they get reliant on it.

They are BVU to not be thankful for the help you’ve given, and demand more.

Riverflow6 · 20/02/2026 13:04

I think you should have stayed.
my mum would have. I would have been so upset if she deemed someone else’s grandchild christening a priority over her own family. How strange

Franjipanl8r · 20/02/2026 13:05

In my family, supporting those who’ve been ill and in hospital would take priority 100%. The same goes for elderly parents.

If you’d been in hospital and needed extra support, would you expect your DD to prioritise her own social engagements above supporting you?

latetothefisting · 20/02/2026 13:09

Tiswa · 20/02/2026 11:32

I mean it says a lot about you and your relationship that when your daughter said she needed you and understandably needed her mother you left

it is perfectly within your right to do so you had plans you made a choice to stick with the agreement to go to a christening

However your daughter has every right to feel hurt and abandoned and have it affect your relationship with her

OR her daughter said she needed her so OP drove a significant distance (doubt the dd offered her petrol money either!) and provided free childcare for more than three days....it's not as if she hasn't helped her at all, that's a huge help which many people don't have!

I can understand why it would be nice if she could have stayed longer - what's missing is when the christening is - unless it was literally that Thursday she could have maybe stayed for a few hours - but at the end of the day it's not like she left them in the lurch with baby still in hospital - they'd all had a night's sleep at home, if her dd was still that exhausted the baby's dad could have called in sick or asked for emergency leave, or dd could have asked the parent of one of the older gc's friends to take care of him for a few hours so she could try and nap.

Thanks to OP they didn't have to find emergency childcare for him while they were in hospital, which they otherwise would have so she's already been a huge help.

OP is a grand parent, not a third parent - there's a difference between help, which should always be voluntary, and expectation/entitlement.

Swiftie1878 · 20/02/2026 13:10

I think you need to take a fresh look at your priorities.
YABU.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 20/02/2026 13:11

I think it's a hard situation. You maybe could have stayed an extra day to help her get another night of rest and feel supported.

I would expect your son in law to be doing a big share of the load too though.

CoralOP · 20/02/2026 13:14

Ooooff I absolutely would of stayed.

If my baby granddaughter has been taken to hospital and my daughter asked for help there's no way I would say no I've got a christening to go to.

I guess you need to ask yourself why you didn't want to stay in that moment?

It's BS saying we'll I've already helped for 3 days already, that was under normal circumstances, this is your poorly grandaughter, I would stay as long as I could....

FryingPam · 20/02/2026 13:18

You didn’t ‘have’ to stay, but your daughter asked you for help. Unless this is a regular occurrence where she asks every week for this or that and you had to put your foot down to draw a boundary, I’m afraid I think YABU.

Notquitethetruth · 20/02/2026 13:33

Your daughter needs her Mum and she probably is struggling that you left her and your grandchildren for a social occasion with a friend's grandchild. I could never walk away in such circumstances. Her husband may be there but she wanted you.
Not surprised she is being short. Have to say I would probably be the same.
When is the christening?

toomuchfaff · 20/02/2026 13:34

friend’s granddaughters christening

You had every right to leave; of course you did and to boot you had plans.

However, your actions spoke volumes about your priorities; and a needy daughter with a sick grandchild who is struggling really would and should trump a friend’s granddaughters christening.

You told your daughter that a friend’s granddaughters christening was more important than her wanting her mum around, her struggle, her life, your time.

A friend’s granddaughters christening; yes of course you had every right to leave, but you told her she wasnt as important as the reason you left, after all, all it would have taken was "Oh Mabel, so sorry I wont make it this weekend, im at daughter's and baby has been in hospital, im going to stay here" - absolutely understandable - who wouldnt accept that you were putting you immediate family first?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 20/02/2026 13:35

Also who has a christening on a friday?

YourMintTraybake · 20/02/2026 13:37

Carebeau · 20/02/2026 11:44

Who is she supposed to ask for extra help if not her own mum?

I actually don't think your plans were at all important in comparison. Your presence isn't exactly required at that expense of your daughter.

Spot on

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 20/02/2026 13:37

Respectfully OP you should have stayed. You live quite away from your daughter so it’s not as if she calls on you to help daily. Your grandson only came home the night before & you prioritised a christening over family?! Wild horses wouldn’t have dragged me away. I would have told my daughter I was staying however long she needed me for. It’s family they come first always and yes you prioritise. I don’t think you realise how much you have hurt your daughter by leaving. She has every right to be short with you. If it was me I would be too busy & too tired to spk to you. I don’t owe you an update or anything. I hope the friends christening was worth it.