Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

Perfectly reasonable, OP, as you have a pre-existing commitment. In fact, she should consider herself jolly lucky that you went down for 4 days - most couples are perfectly capable of looking after 2 children, regardless of half-term, or a child's illness.
Family do not always come first - we all have equally/more important friends, jobs and events.

Well, personally I think if you help in half term, you've already been helpful and I presume you do this often? You can't be there for all of life's ups and downs and the baby was out of hospital and with medication - that's the most important.

Hubby should take a day off if his wife is shattered and they can take turns looking after the children while the other sleeps. As kind as it would've been to stay and help, you don't have to and you do have your own life to lead. She shouldn't take it out of you either, I think that's not on personally. Feel free to step back on all help if that kind of attitude continues because it may feel like whatever you do, it's not enough.

This is an attiditude we often have in the UK, but much of the world (and evolutionary science) would disagree that helping to look after your own grandchildren is doing a favour for your adult children.

I can't believe you didn't stay, your daughter needs help and your grandchild has been poorly. You should have been there for her

The Uk, especially boomer grandparents and onwards, are getting more and more cold towards family. Boomers had it all, but want to give very little help their adult children and grandchildren and each generation has taken that and gotten worse. Most countries place important in family ties and being a team. People here just don’t bother. It’s sad.

I cannot imagine my parents ever prioritising a friend’s grandchild’s christening over helping us with a sick baby, especially if I had specifically asked.

I think a lot of people feel that their parents should help out with the grandchildren whenever they have need for it, forgetting they have lives themselves.

While your daughter is reasonable to ask, you are also reasonable to say no if you don’t want to. It’s unreasonable to be short with you - they are adults and you are an adult! They will manage.

It would have been nice for you to do it, but you are simply entitled to do what you want.

Simply not true. It's well documented that grandparents are taking on the children more and more because both parents have to go to work as everything is so expensive.

This thread really highlights the stark difference between people who fully encompass being a mother and those who have 'done their time'.
I can't help but compare my mother and mother in law.
My mother would of done her 3 days babysitting (as a huge push) and skipped out of their rejoicing that its now her time and she's got her boundaries to keep.

My MIL would of have to be dragged kicking and screaming away from her poorly grandchild.

Guess which one has amazing relationships with all her kids and grandkids, she is the glue to the family, so appreciated and loved, she is warm and selfless and everyone can see it within hours of meeting her.
The other (my mother if you guessed correctly) is transactional, standoffish, cold with no real relationships but by hell she has good boundaries and knows how to put herself first. I guess it depends on what you want out of life.

Surely your grand kids come before your friends ?
You should have stayed

Is it not transactional to be loved because you're the person doing stuff for the family all the time?

I see both sides of the coin. My mum was lovely, kind and funny. No way in hell would she have been around all the time to look after children or grandchildren, she wasn't that sort of person and she liked her own space and doing her own things.. But I think people loved her because she was lovely, not because what she did for them.

It's between you, your daughter and your grandkids really.

If you preferred attending a religious event for some unrelated kid that's fine, it's your choice, your daughter can proceed with that knowledge.

Totally agree!

The other person commented on here about being "jolly lucky" to have the help. Can't see them having a great relationship with grandchildren

Well reading some of these replies; its easy to see those more likely to be sat old and alone in their nursing home with no visitors, whilst their families who have "more important stuff" to do like washing their windows or watching paint dry visit once a month for half hour on a Sunday.

Of course, no-one (especially your direct descendants) are entitled to support, especially when they are struggling and ask you outright. 🙄 Better things to do, after all you had those kids; they're your responsibility, we have a life you know, you better be thankful I came at all...

Best make sure you have many a hobby to keep you entertained in your old age because maintaining good relationships isnt your strong point

@SargeMarge absolutely spot on. This is 100% something my mum would do as well and I would react the same as the daughter here tbh. If my mum asked for help if I went there after a stressful few days I would never say no let alone if my daughter asked. It sounds more like a ‘I’ve done this for 4 days so that’s my quota’ (similar to mine). Also as someone whose parents also stop over sometimes it takes more time and energy with somebody else in the house too so it’s not just a one way street (on the assumption food was in the house, meals were prepared, house was clean, your room was clean and made when you arrived and everything was there for you) it sounds like she just needed her mum as a daughter and not a ‘childminder’ as well tbh

Seeing as you asked I would have stayed with your family. I wouldn’t have left in these circumstances to attend a friend’s granddaughter's christening. There may be prior commitments that require a bit more thinking about but they would be few and far between and don’t think objectively that ultimately any of them would trump a sick baby grandchild.

I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening)

Surely the christening won't be until Sunday so you could have stayed until Friday or even Saturday if they really needed the help

Pretty rubbish behaviour. My mums dead but my sisters and I wouldn't leave each other in that situation.

they aren't loved because of what they do; they are loved because they are present and because of who they are and what characteristics they live and bestow.

The fact they "do" is because that is who they are, not what they can get.

Theres a difference. Its a consequence not a goal.

Yes you're being very unreasonable. Your daughter and grandchild should be more important than another child's christening. I'm pretty shocked you left her.

You were not wrong in leaving when you scheduled but it certainly wasn't very kind. I would have stayed to help my exhausted daughter and grandchildren. I would imagine she feels abandoned.

I knew someone would try and spin it like that, it's nothing at all to do with the things she does for people, it's everything about her nature, she's just a lovely, warm, caring person which naturally creates good relationships with her family.
So would your mum actually say no I'm going to a christening if you asked her to stay and help you and her poorly grandchild? Genuine question?

There's no one in this world that loves alone time more than me but if my grandchild had just come out of hospital and my child asked me for help alone time can wait. I can schedule alone time a week later and help deal with the awful situation at hand, not wash my hands of them because I fancy alone time, don't you agree.?

Yes! You’ve hit the nail on the head when you say ‘difference between people who fully encompass being a mother and those who have 'done their time'.

unfortunately like yourself, our mums sound very similar! Very difficult to navigate at times tbh.

This