Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

On the whole I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with grandparents having boundaries and I know plenty of adult kids who take the piss, but friend's granddaughters christening vs my own daughter needing me after my grandchild had been ill enough to be seen in hospital...no way would I have left my DD if I'd been in your position.

If asking my mum for help makes me a loser, I guess I’m a loser 🤷

I’d rather be a loser than a cold fish

I can't imagine ever saying no to my daughter in this situation, especially for a friend's grandchild's christening.

Why are you calling a mother who regularly makes the 3 hour trip to give her dd free child care for multiple days a cold fish?

Regularly?
Who said this was a regular occurrence?

There are plenty of people with no family help at all available and they just have to cope. The mother had already been staying there helping out and it was unfair to expect her to change her plans, the baby was out of hospital.

We've probably all had circumstances change at some point and been faced with the decision to miss out on something we were looking forward to and it can suck.

You were clearly looking forward to the christening, but, this is your grandchild who has been unwell and your daughter asking for help, as opposed to your friend's granddaughter being christened. I definitely think your own family should have been the priority.

Yes, baby had come home from hospital, yes, the husband was arounds, but your daughter asked you to stay, so it's probably made her feel like shit that you didn't.

No doubt your daughter will have found a way to get through the tough time, but now she knows where she stands on your priority list.

I'd say this will take more than a simple apology. As a daughter, I'd have a hard time getting past this. My mother was more than difficult, but had one of our kids been sick, she would have dropped everything to help.

I wonder if the "ditching your grandchildren for a random kids christening" narrative is a reflection of the general misanthropy and obsession with nuclear family on here.

The OP may well have a very significant friendship with the people involved and the event be something of real importance rather than just some cheap excuse to ditch her daughter. It's sad that some people can't imagine someone having such a meaningful relationship with something outside of their family.

She might well have a significant friendship with the other family, but unless she had Godmother role or other vital part in the event, I can't see why it would trump helping out her dd when the baby was just out of hospital.

As a beloved guest, of course they might miss her and she likewise be sad to miss it, but I doubt they'd expect her to choose the christening.

Because I'd argue that the immediate crisis was over and there was another adult in the household. My own loved ones all had their own lives, I'm sure my parents were told no to some requests, it didn't detract from our relationship.

It may or may not detract from their relationship long-term.

It's perfectly valid for her dd to feel hurt that when asked to stay longer, OP chose to prioritise the christening instead.

She may accept that and be OK with it, or it may damage their relationship.

She's not fine with it right now because she's tired, emotional and worried over her sick baby and wanted her mum around.

I agree that this DD wouldn't have felt great in the moment and I would cut her some slack for how she reacted. It's possible that in time and after some sleep she will appreciate that there was someone there to look after her older child while the younger was ill.

But it's not solely about practical help, is it?

Her dd is perfectly aware she has a husband, i imagine. He's probably as worried, wrung out emotionally and tired as she is, if he's a decent man.

It's probably as much about wanting her mum with her (and wanting her to want to be there for her) as it is to entertain the eldest or do chores.

Sure, couples can manage on their own, and single parents have to, but there's no prizes for stoicism and struggling when you can ask for extra support.

But you can want all kinds of things from other people. It doesn't mean you always get them. Would the OPs DD be willing to give up her own plans at any moment because her DM wants her to? I doubt it. You can't say yes to everything.

Absolutely not. She’s an adult. She has a husband

we have all been there with kids, lack of
sleep etc.

the tiredness has made her unreasonable

You don't know that. Although if I was OP, I'd probably lower expectations that her dd would drop everything for her after this. 😂

Of course you don't get everything you ask for from people. But it's valid to feel hurt in this situation.

I'd absolutely have sent my apologies re the christening and stayed.

But then, I was lucky enough to have a mum that bombed hours up the motorway to give me emotional and practical help on the multiple occasions my first was hospitalised - and stuck around until I was ready for her to go.

Despite me having a husband and being an adult. 🙄

I would be disappointed if my mother chose a friend's granddaughter's christening instead of helping me with a baby who'd just been discharged from hospital. It shows your priorities.

Of course you can choose to do that. But actions have consequences.

Tired enough to be unreasonable, but not tired enough to warrant her mum staying to help...makes perfect sense

See I also feel lucky that I had loved ones that had other things in their life that gave them joy and meaning even if it meant that they weren't always available. It made them more interesting people.

My mum also has a life of her own and things that bring her joy and meaning. (One of them also being me and her grandchildren 😂)

She isn't endlessly twiddling her thumbs, waiting for me to need her, but when it matters, she makes herself available. Because she wants to.

It's not a choice between having a full life of your own or not.

Then why are so many people sneering at her for wanting to attend this christening of a "random kid"?

And we come full circle. Please go back to my post at 06:53 if you want to have the same conversation again.

Because if she is allowed to have her own life (not that she needs anyone's permission) then sometimes that own life stuff will be prioritised over giving DD what she wants.

Yes , I think so too .