Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

I would have stayed and I can see why your daughter's upset as you prioritised another child over your own DGC

The baby was only in hospital 1 day and the grandmother was already there.
Presumably the father will take time off or be available over the weekend (the OP hasn't alluded to him not helping). But honestly an extra pair of hands during a tough week of illness and lack of sleep is helpful.... even if it's to throw on a wash and sweep the floors or cook a dinner while Mum is sleeping and Dad minding kids or whatever scenario.

There's no problem reaching out for help when you're overwhelmed. I don't think it's that Grandma is the only option, but she was already there. It made sense.

Equally the grandmother is within her rights to say no and go about her life. I know my MIL wouldn't help, but my mother would. Neither are wrong. But if the OPs daughter is tired and upset, and the OP doesn't get to complain. The OP chose to leave and her daughter is allowed to be upset. She'll probably come around fine once she's has a bit more sleep over the weekend.

My daughter would most certainly come first

Could you have taken dgd with you to help ease the burden?

These are my thoughts too. The event you are leaving for doesn’t seem more urgent than the need your daughter has in this instance. I’m all for you having your own life and not being there to just drop everything all the time, but a poorly baby is hard work and I’d like my children to feel they can rely on me.

I’d have stayed but your decision.

Neither of you wbu, it’s your choice to stay or not and didn’t have to. But you definitely showed your dd where your priorities lie, a friends granddaughter’s christening was more important to you than your own dd and grandchild. I would have been hurt if I were your dd.

I’d have stayed and sent apologies for missing christening, family needs always come first

I have to say I agree with this. Unless you were the
godmother at the christening.

I think the vast majority of parents, where there are two of them, manage to look after their own sick children, don't they? Why do your daughter and son-in-law feel they need additional help? YANBU at all.

It's not a 'need' though. There are two children and two parents who are capable of looking after them.

YANBU

Dads job to step up here.

I’d have stayed. Yes, mum and dad are there but have you ever had your baby sent to hospital? It’s awful. The stress, the exhaustion that follows, but the fear about leaving them to sleep unwatched while you sleep. Baby is home but that doesn’t make it better, and your daughter needed her mum. But your mate’s grandkid has a christening so you showed them your priorities.

You’re not exactly wrong to leave, but this will be a defining moment. Don’t expect them to come to you or trust you in future, or to put themselves out to help you. They’ve seen the level you’re willing to give, and that will be the relationship from now on.

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but you can’t control how others feel about the choices you make. You live far enough away that you clearly aren’t expected to provide regular childcare or evening babysitting but it was nice that you went to help out for half term. She probably was very grateful for that help. However, she then had several terrible days, she’s absolutely exhausted, and she hoped you might stay one extra day to allow her to recover. She’s overwhelmed, emotionally drained and physically exhausted and her mum prioritised a friend’s granddaughter’s christening over her when she needed it. She’s entitled to sound a bit ‘short’ on the phone in the circumstances, even if you hadn’t left her to it! Of course she can cope, and her husband can cope, but it’s a bit sad she has to when you could have stayed even one day more and still gone to the christening. Even an extra morning to let her sleep! I expect she’ll move on and forgive, but she’ll never forget this.

I would have stayed, no way could I leave my sleep deprived DD with a poorly baby. I'd be pretty unimpressed if my mum picked going to friends granddaughters christening over helping me and her own grandkids in a genuine time of need.

I would have stayed. Yes you had plans but I would be upset if my mother prioritized a friend's grandchild in a situation like this.

Opinions are always going to be quite split over this type of thing because it really just depends on the sort of family you were raised in and the family you’ve built for yourself.

A whole load of people will just say it’s mum and dad’s job to deal with sick kids and they don’t need help, but a whole load of people have families who just don’t behave like that.

OP’s daughter has just learned what sort of family she comes from; her mum won’t change plans when something bad happens and won’t be there. So, she’ll put more effort into building those relationships with her in laws and friends so she doesn’t need to call her mum and ask in future.

Did you offer any kind of compromise? Assuming the christening is tomorrow, I think I'd have stayed until your son in law finished work today and then come home with plenty of time to get ready for a weekend christening.

I understand why your daughter was stressed about her baby being hospitalised and having to care for another child - even if she didn't feel let down, it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to be a bit short on the phone under the circumstances!

No she wanted her mother to help her and support her which is a perfectly reasonable request and one which she was entitled to make.

The OP is perfectly reasonable and entitled to say no of course she is she has a right to that boundary

but the daughter also has a right to feel upset that her mother made that choice and clearly it has affected her which is her right as well

@Roulett
When you go to the christening tomorrow, and you see your friend and she asked about your week, will you say “Well, my baby grandson ended up in hospital for a night and my daughter and husband are pretty tired and stressed and needed some help, but I left them to come to this event.” Do you think your friend would say you did the right thing? Or would she tell you that you’d been stupid to prioritise the christening of a child who has nothing to do with you.

Many families have no family support whatsoever. They have to deal with it beat they can. Im sure your DD will cope, it's called parenthood and they just have to get on with it

I truly do not understand why anything or anyone can be more important than a daughter asking for help with their own poorly baby.

OP, I am guessing you prioritising a friend's grandchild's christening must have hurt your daughter enormously and take some time to get over. I actually feel the decision was heartless and selfish.

You should have stayed. I don't know why that wasn't a priority for you but you have shown your daughter where she stands.

Massive favour? It saddens me that travelling a few hours for a few nights to help look after your own grandchildren is considered a big favour in our modern western world. There's a reason they say it takes a village to raise a child.

All the posters saying "they just have to get on with it" are so shitty.

If my children ask for my help I will always help them, it doesn't matter if they are adults if they are having a hard time and need their mother I will be there god willing.