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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to stop paying for DC whilst so he can get a mortgage

185 replies

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:33

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 20/02/2026 10:35

Tough shit for him. This is not your problem. Even if he’d been nice to you this whole time, it’s completely unreasonable to ask.

AmberSpy · 20/02/2026 10:37

I'm not an expert but I think this could potentially be considered mortgage fraud by your ex. I'd have absolutely no part in this. Make it clear to him that you're not interested in helping him lie to a prospective lender.

autumncrisp · 20/02/2026 10:39

Children are not pay per view. Maintenance and visitation are two separate things.

It's quite worrying that you say he's an awful man but the only reason you dont want him visiting his children is because he doesn't pay you.

Go to court.

DPotter · 20/02/2026 10:39

A single man with a council flat ? He doesn't know how lucky he is.

Don't agree to anything. He has 2 children, he has financial responsibility for them. As Original says - not your problem.

Original poster
fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:40

@AmberSpy - Thank you for that, I have never heard of mortgage fraud and a quick google search confirms that this is what he intends on doing.

OP posts:
INX · 20/02/2026 10:41

Tell him absolutely not.

If the kids are happy to see their dad, don't stop them as that's not fair on them.

But make it clear you'll be taking it further if he stops paying you.

pinkdelight · 20/02/2026 10:42

The Merc HP is surely going to cause more of an affordability issue than CM, unless he's minted in which case neither should be an issue. If he had half a brain, he'd have at least offered to keep paying you in cash then he wouldn't be short-changing his kids and pissing you off while needing your support to get what he wants. But anyway, YANBU at all and he sounds vile. Go through courts and get it all done officially for your DC sake. He's lucky to have a council flat.

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 20/02/2026 10:44

The children have a right to see their father, so you would be unreasonable to restrict this on the basis of maintenance. However, they also have a right to be financially supported, so you should ignore his request. His living arrangements are not your concern.

Hwory · 20/02/2026 10:48

Oh so he's fine having his mercedes payment on his bank statement which will reduce his affordability but contributing to his children is too far??

What a loser. Say no.

WhatAreYouDoingSundayBaby · 20/02/2026 10:48

I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.

Not cool OP.

But yes, submit a claim via CMS and let them deal with it.

goz · 20/02/2026 10:50

Well too bad. If he’s 43 and still hasn’t purchased a property that’s on him. Wanting to buy a house doesn’t turn back time and undo his parental responsibility.

Nofeckingway · 20/02/2026 10:50

He lost the argument at Mercedes

SergeantWrinkles · 20/02/2026 10:51

Absolutely not. Go through cms and get it done officially but don’t withhold access because that’s a dick move.

Candleabra · 20/02/2026 10:54

Don’t they need bank statements going way back? So he’d stop paying for months and months? Once he gets used to not paying that money you’ll never see it again.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 20/02/2026 10:55

Tell him to pay you 12 months in advance as a compromise… lol I’m sure he won’t . But then he can’t play the you are the baddie card

KTheGrey · 20/02/2026 10:56

So - he can’t afford a mortgage. If you can’t afford a mortgage the bank chuck you out.

He doesn’t sound like a man who thinks things through.

He needs to pay for his children and be grateful he has a flat at a reasonable rent that he won’t get chucked out of. He doesn’t need a Mercedes.

This is just no no no all the way down. No he can’t stop paying for his children. No you do want to help him commit mortgage fraud. No he doesn’t need more space than you when he doesn’t have children living with him. No his decisions are not sensible.

WhatAreYouDoingSundayBaby · 20/02/2026 10:56

Candleabra · 20/02/2026 10:54

Don’t they need bank statements going way back? So he’d stop paying for months and months? Once he gets used to not paying that money you’ll never see it again.

Yes exactly, and once he has a mortgage to pay without factoring his child support amount he likely won't be able to afford to start the payments up again.

SideshowAuntSallyxx · 20/02/2026 10:57

He won't get a mortgage without a stable income. And considering he's only just got a job it won't be for a while yet. Think he's living on cloud cuckoo land.

Coconutter24 · 20/02/2026 10:57

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
YANBU

I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
Don't use the kids as weapons, go court or cms

He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
That will be taken into consideration with payments

He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.
Not your problem

Original poster
fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:58

He said "a proper woman" would help the father of her kids to get a house so the kids have something for when he passes away.

He even had the cheek to ask if my parents would gift him the house deposit.

I have just text him that if he doesn't pay me I will be going through court.

I will also defo be reporting him for mortgage fraud as well.

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 20/02/2026 11:00

autumncrisp · 20/02/2026 10:39

Children are not pay per view. Maintenance and visitation are two separate things.

It's quite worrying that you say he's an awful man but the only reason you dont want him visiting his children is because he doesn't pay you.

Go to court.

that’s not what the op asked, but it must be nice up there in your glass house.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/02/2026 11:01

You don't shit on someone then ask them for a favour. That isn't how life works.

NOT that you'd be wrong to say no even if he had been reasonable.

gerispringer · 20/02/2026 11:03

He won’t get a mortgage if he’s only been in a job for a week. Has he got a deposit?

Original poster
fedupofex · 20/02/2026 11:05

He has no deposit either, apparently once he has been in a job for 12 weeks he will be able to secure a mortgage.

He has already had appointments with mortgage advisors and he has told me he hasn't declared DC to them.

OP posts:
Catza · 20/02/2026 11:08

Go through court, if you must.
More broadly, there is no chance in hell he will qualify for a mortgage. The pittance he likely pays for maintenance won't make any difference to his affordability. Plus, he will need to submit bank statements which will clearly show outgoings and no income up until last week (or whenever he will get paid). Utterly bonkers to be hoping to buy a house in these circumstances.