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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex wants to stop paying for DC whilst so he can get a mortgage

185 replies

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:33

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

OP posts:
Nofeckingway · 05/03/2026 12:39

Haha . Proper woman.! A real man supports his kids . You've tried this method . Now it's CMS time and also setting up legally setting up visitation . Only those times and if he doesn't show , too bad . You are not his friend or mate so you don't have to exchange any messages or contact with him. But content yourself that you are having a lucky escape and doing the right thing . It will get easier.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/03/2026 12:46

He’s an idiot to say the least. Stop listening to anything he says, he just makes stuff up as it suits him. Be as bland as possible around him. If he says you’re not a proper woman just say “Okay” and shrug your shoulders. You can stop caring what he thinks, nothing he says is true.

Bonkers1966 · 05/03/2026 13:33

My goodness. It sounds as if it is dawning on him that he may not get his own way and has ramped up the abuse as a direct consequence. What a vile creature he is. So sorry, OP. Time to really stand by those boundaries. If he's going to criticise you then he doesn't cross your threshold. Stay strong and good luck.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 05/03/2026 13:42

If he's really earning £30k (before tax) and you have 2 children - also assuming he doesn't have any more children with anyone else, CMS will expect him to pay you £400/ month (£92/week).
If he was sensible he'd accept this, and pay this by bank transfer, keep his nose down at his new job and ditch the Merc/ expensive takeaways, and actually save some money.
As he really should be buying things like birthday and Xmas gifts for them too - and this isn't supposed to come from the maintenance payments!

I'm sorry that he seems to be such an over-entitled, abusive prick. I hope Womens Aid are able to give you some useful advice about how to set boundaries around how he behaves. Good luck!

PS: well done for getting out of the relationship! things can only get better from here on!

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 05/03/2026 13:48

PS: If he wanted to pay you in cash he could easily have made a payment into your bank account by depositing the cash at a post office himself. But he hasn't even considered that option, never mind done it.

He has chosen not to pay you for the past 3/4 months, even though the children have blatantly existed throughout that time, and feeding/ housing/ clothing them costs money.

PotatoLove · 05/03/2026 16:41

Ugh, what a complete twatwaffle he is!

everypageisempty · 05/03/2026 16:44

CMS all the way

Gossipisgood · 10/03/2026 15:09

Tell him you want double what he's meant to be paying as you'd also like to buy a house & will need it to get a mortgage. If he thinks you're being unreasonable just give him the look that says, 'yeah, it's unreasonable, just like your request to not pay child maintenance is' don't agree to it & if he doesn't pay take him to court or claim through CSA.

JHound · 10/03/2026 15:10

So how does he plan to afford CS once he gets his mortgage?!

CommonlyKnownAs · 10/03/2026 16:22

JHound · 10/03/2026 15:10

So how does he plan to afford CS once he gets his mortgage?!

I think we know the answer to that one!

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