Ex wants to stop paying for DC whilst so he can get a mortgage

[fedupofex]

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

Update:
He has just paid me, he has now asked if he can just give me cash every week.

I do online shopping and hardly ever spend cash unless it is to pay the handyman for jobs.

Nope

All through the bank please buddy so it's transparent.

Say no, I need the money to go into my account as my bills are not paid in cash.

He can’t afford a mortgage.

He needs to pay for his children.

its not your problem. Say no.

Tell him a proper man would support his children with living expenses, engagement and actual parenting.

Tell him a proper man would be a responsible adult by 43 and be able to prioritise his responsibilities over status cars and that his kids don't need an inheritance of a house from him, but their needs met in the here and now.

Tell him if he's worried about not having property and economic success by his age then he needs to grow up, stop feeling entitled to demand handouts from family, develop some financial nous, get rid of his expensive hp car, hold down a job and get a mortgage realistically without committing fraud.

So glad he's your ex

I have leant the hard way that being nice gets me nowhere with this man, if anything it makes him worse
@fedupofex
He experiences kindness as weakness and his urge to exploit you is strongly triggered. This man will do whatever he feels he can get away with, I hope you can carry on with the refusing him and shutting him down.

OP just decline the request to pay you cash. State you need it paid directly into your bank for you bills.

Funny how he has now paid you after you showed him you'd been on the CMS calculator! My bet is he will strongly want to avoid that, as any efforts to use the maintenance as a form of control will be MUCH harder to do with CMS involved.

Another point to consider - how do you know he's being honest about who much he gets paid?! He could well have lied and be paid more. Which would be another reason he'd want to avoid CMS!

No more meals cooked, no more grocery hand outs, etc.

Another point to consider - how do you know he's being honest about who much he gets paid?! He could well have lied and be paid more. Which would be another reason he'd want to avoid CMS!
Agree with @PinkLegoBalloon this is a person who will tell you whatever he thinks you'll swallow, but when you stand back & look at his behaviour it's not hard to read him.
His main talent is persuading you to feel sorry for him OP!

Tell him the payments have to be by bank transfer - it needs to show up on his statements, so potential mortgage lenders will see what his true outgoings are. If that doesn't happen, you'll be going the CMS route. Honestly - he's begging milk and bread from you, and he thinks he can get a mortgage? Never give him so much as a tin of beans again - any spare penny you have, use it for the benefit of your kids, not him. Do whatever you can to support them, because he's never going to.

I think everyone else has covered the main points with this one but as an aside, how the hell has he got himself a Mercedes for only £150pcm?
I presume it’s not new? 2nd hand with some sort of loan?

He won't get a mortgage. Having just started a new job, no deposit no chance also Having a car on finance definitely not. My husband decided to buy a Toyota chr when he was working and the repayments stopped any chance we had of getting one and we had money for a deposit.

Fuck right off should cover it

No of course he can't stop paying you child maintenance so he can have a mortgage- his children are a prior commitment- you would have to claim the money from DWP in order to look after your children, they would then pursue him for it- wanting a mortgage doesn't spirit away your responsibilities, . Tell the Child maintenance agency they will pursue him- if you take him to court you will have to pay or get Legal Aid (very difficult) let the CMA sort him out they can garnish his wages if necessary- short of leaving the country , he's stuck with it.

A giant "NO". He is as much responsible for the children as you are...I am disgusted he even suggested this to you. Your children are not responsible for his housing conditions....

Not your problem and nothing to do with you. Screw him. He can do what he wants but he needs to pay for his kids.

He wants to pay in cash so it won't show up on his bank as a regular payment. Tell him no you need it paid via standing order direct to your bank account so you can pay the bills (to house and feed and keep warm his children)

Just go through child maintenance . You don’t even need to talk to him. Let them deal with him.

That's what I was thinking!
His planned mortgage fraud is utterly his problem, you can't stop him doing that.
But absolutely don't ok him not paying for his children, as a pp said he gets used to not paying he won't restart.

I'm interested to know how a single bloke gets a council house!!

So where’s the deposit coming from if he’s been out of work?

Lenders also like to see someone in long term employment before they’ll take a risk;he’ll unlikely get approved.

He has two kids he’s responsible for;you still have to pay for their things so he should too;I’m betting he doesn’t exactly pay a massive amount in maintenance anyway.

He’s a CF.

Most lenders want at least 6 months bank statements, proof of regular income and statements showing all outgoings. I think he is lying to you, OP. Or is deluded. Either way, he should be paying, the gobshite.

Sooooo…….he’s delusional??

On this sort of thread, it’s inevitable that we get a one-sided view as an OP will always present herself in the best possible light, and the other party in the worst, with selective information presented.

I was with you until I saw this disgusting comment, when the mask must have slipped:

”I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.”

It made me wonder, if someone was trying to present themself as the honest and wronged party, how vile they must be if they are weaponising their children, their children’s right to see a parent, and a parent’s right to see their children, for money.

The rest of the post then became white noise.

YWBU to deny him access to his DC based on money. Thats a separate issue and shouldnt be a bargaining chip. If hes a shitshow they need to learn that themselves eventually.

However YANBU to say the money isnt yours, is your children's and they need it to be warm fed and clothed and you arent OKing him letting them down. Of course he has to pay maintainence.

He can turn his car back in if he needs to cut expenses.

You can pay cash into your bank account.