Ex wants to stop paying for DC whilst so he can get a mortgage

[fedupofex]

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

Just stop engaging with him apart from to tell him something about the kids. Dont be dragged into conversation. If he stops paying you, take him to child maintenance and do it officially.

He said "a proper woman"

ask him to define a proper woman...

With a mortgage, how’s he going to afford payments to support his kids?

Him buying a house isn’t happening.

He not got steady employment, he has no deposit and currently earns £30k, so would only get a £120k mortgage, not the £250k you say he needs.

Don’t waste your time going to court. They insist on mediation which will slow the process down, and besides you say he won’t want the children to restrict his social life. Just contact CMS for their rightful maintenance.

Don’t engage with him just go through CMS, what a prince he is

If he can't afford 45 minutes petrol how is he going to save enough for a house? He needs thousands upon thousands of pounds.

Absolutely not OP
Why does he need a house if he isnt even having his children overnight. Just tell him he either continues paying or you get CMS to do it for him. What a joke

He is delusional!

Why on earth did you choose to have kids with someone like this?!?!?

Earning £30k will give him a maximum mortgage of about £120k, then his HP payments will reduce this. He will then need 10% deposit plus money for solicitor fees and potentially stamp duty. So how long is it going to take him to save up the £100k he will need???

He will take home about £2000 a month, of which £150 is the car payment, then perhaps £800 rent and bills, £400 food, then petrol, insurance, car tax, having a life etc... At best that's £500 a month left over, so £100,000/500 = 450 months (37 years).

So in short, not paying child maintenance will not make the slightest difference of him ever being able to buy a house!

Just be firm with him and say he has two children and he needs to pay child support until they have completed their education. If he refuses then go through the CMS.

I don’t understand why you’re even discussing this with him or having him in the house when he’s so awful. When he sees the children, he needs to take them out away from your home and look after them on his own. This is so that they get proper ‘quality time’ with him and it doesn’t confuse the kids with their father eating dinner as a family. The children have two homes and it doesn’t matter if he feeds them a ready meal, as long as they get fed while they are with him.

For child maintenance, just go to the CMS without telling him. If he’s employed he can’t get out of paying the correct amount, as it will come straight out of his wages.

Even if he weren't asking to suspend maintenance, it's not in the DCs best interests for a parent who clearly can't afford a mortgage to give up their secure council tenancy. There are worse things than having a parent who is reliably housed for the whole of their lifetime. Even if it's only a one bed, that's still somewhere they could potentially go if they had to. If one of them has need of a roof in 15 years, him remaining in his council flat means he'll have a sofa to offer.

It would obviously be better for the DC if he were able to afford a house he could leave to them, but based on what you've said here, that's not one of the options being picked from.

Don’t let this abusive man in your house and certainly don’t cook him anything!!! You need to keep him and his life separate from you as you are open to more abusive behaviour from him and coercive control etc!!! Meet him down the road at the park for an hour and then go home and tell him he is not coming in!!

So he’s now trying to guilt and coerce you into aiding and abetting mortgage fraud, which is what this is. This isn’t your problem, it’s his and the time to properly consider what he personally wants from life was before he had financial responsibilities to his children. Him wanting to own his own home is sod all to do with leaving his kids an inheritance - he knows it and so do you.

He’s a massive twat and you’re right not to give any of this a second thought. Tell him if he stops your payments you’ll go through CMS. Let’s see him try to explain to a mortgage adviser why he’s having child maintenance deducted from his wages before he even gets them.

Tell him he should have thought of that before he got the car. He won’t be getting a mortgage with only working for a few weeks and no deposit. He actually asked if your parents would gift the deposit? He has got some cheek hasn’t he. Don’t let him get away with paying for his kids. He doesn’t even need a house for himself only.

If he was half decent I would suggest he could give you it in cash so it's not showing on his bank but he sounds like a complete dickhead so I wouldn't!

Hahaha. A proper man wouldn’t be asking his ex or her family for help with money.

Tell him they’ll ask him at the mortgage meeting does he have children and he’ll have to lie then because whether you were together or not they’ll deduct it certain amount from how much he can pay. If he lies he can potentially go to jail. If he hasn’t been working he won’t get a mortgage anyway c, they’ll want consistent proof of income

Not your problem. He can fuck off.

I get it, OP. That 1 sentence in your post that everyone is jumping on - she hasn’t said she will keep the children from him if he doesn’t pay. Just that she doesn’t want the kids to see him if he’s contributing. I think most people in her position would feel like that.
not many people in this situation will happily sit there and be glad their child/ren are seeing their father who contributes nothing to their upbringing other than seeing them for 4 hours a week!

if I were you, OP, I’d get in touch with CMS now to sort out the maintenance payments properly. You shouldn’t be messaging him every pay day to remind him to contribute!

I'm baffled to know why you're still cooking dinner for a man you're separated from and who was absolutely fucking awful to you?!

As a side note, no chance he's getting a mortgage anyway so the CM payments make absolutely no difference.

Given what's in your post I don't believe he wants a mortgage, it's just a strategy to try and get out of paying CM.
You definitely shouldn't stop contact over money, that's a completely separate issue. Don't deprive your DC of a relationship with their father based on money. Go through CMS for money and keep their relationship separate. Family court can be an awful experience for parents and DC. If you try going down that route you may end up with a 50/50 arrangement and no CM.

My ex of 20 years, paid minimal towards our kids and saw them also 4 hrs a week. He turned up in a relatively new BMW to pick them up one week, and insisted on showing me official BMW cushions which cost an arm and a leg at the time. I claimed child maintenance through official channels after that. I suggest you do the same. Complete arse.

I'd imagine the Mercedes costs around the same as he's expected to pay to you, so if it's a choice, the car is what he needs to get rid of. If necessary, take him to court to get an agreement set in stone.

Why is this abusive man in your house and you're cooking for him?!

Shut all this shit down op.

He picks them up on the doorstep and takes them somewhere for the day. You say hi and bye, no need for further conversation or him in your home.

Ignore all conversations about child maintenance or finances. Tell him once you expect maintenance paid reliably and regularly and then grey rock him. I would advise that you ask CMS to assess him. It's the best way with exes like this. Takes away all the direct conversations with him about it as they sort it all.

I can't believe he asked your parents for a deposit too! I'm assuming they know he was abusive and I hope they told him where to go!

He's abusive and fucking deluded. Tell him to keep paying and go to cms.

Absolutely this.

but kids aren't pay per view either. With regard to seeing him, do what's best for your kids, nothing more, nothing less.

What's stopping you working full time? Plenty of single parents do. I'm not saying it's easy, but if you want to save to get a mortgage then you have to do the hard things.

im glad you got away from him though, he sounds awful.