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Original poster

Ex wants to stop paying for DC whilst so he can get a mortgage

185 replies

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:33

Me and my ex share 2 DC together.
Both under 4 and live with me full time.

I live in a rented HA property whilst he currently resides in a council flat.

Because I live in a house he is adamant that he should also live in a house.

He is 43 and feels as if the time is going for him to purchase a property.

He is now asking if he can stop paying me child maintenance so when he goes for a mortgage it won't show on his bank statements that he pays me XYZ every week.

He was out of work from November last year and only started work last week.
He paid me no money this time.

He generally is an awful person to be honest.

In my last pregnancy I suffered life threatening complications during child birth and all he did was abuse me in the hospital and even the midwives were so alarmed that they had written this in my notes.

All he did was complain about having time of work to help me with the baby.

He see's DC for few hours a week and think thats parenting, he has no idea how hard it is.

He has also just got a new car Mercedes on HP.

I don't feel this is fair or right what he is asking.

I want to know would I be unreasonable to just let it all go through the courts?
I don't want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me.
He only see's them for 4 hours on a weekend.
Never had them stay over.
He does live 45 minutes away however which is a huge factor due to petrol.

It is hard for me as I only work part time and I would love to save for a house but it would be impossible at this stage.

OP posts:
Catza · 20/02/2026 11:09

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 11:05

He has no deposit either, apparently once he has been in a job for 12 weeks he will be able to secure a mortgage.

He has already had appointments with mortgage advisors and he has told me he hasn't declared DC to them.

Doesn't matter what he told the advisor. It'll all come out once bank requests evidence.

Piknik · 20/02/2026 11:12

Nobody is giving him a mortgage - the twat.

Anyone in a council property, trying to get out and get on the housing ladder who has been out of work for some time, failed to pay child maintenance and then gets a Mercedes on HP is a wanker bellend who is more interested in his image than reality.

He has been so abusive to you that it is on record. He has withheld CM - and he is asking you a 'favour' - is he for real? I am glad you are standing firm OP, I would be laughing in his face.

Original poster
fedupofex · 20/02/2026 11:16

Lol I know he won't get a mortgage as he earns 30K, his HP monthly payment is £150 a month, not including insurance.

And he is looking at houses at around the 210k mark with no deposit.

I have just asked him if he will be paying me today considering he gets paid today.

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 20/02/2026 11:18

Yanbu to say no to him stopping paying for the kids and taking it through CMS if you have not already. He has a financial obligation to them before buying a house.

However it would be very unreasonable to stop contact with the children because he's not giving you money, two wrongs don't make a right and court would take a dim view of you doing this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/02/2026 11:20

‘I don’t want him seeing the kids when he is not even paying me’ you’re totally unreasonable here children aren’t pay per view and deserve to see their parents.

but if he wants to stop child maintenance showing on his bank statements his two options are to either pay you six months upfront, or to pay you in cash instead.

littlemousebigcheese · 20/02/2026 11:21

go through CMS. He can’t just undo having children. I am always furious that men can just up and go and women are stuck doing everything.

BudgetBuster · 20/02/2026 11:21

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:58

He said "a proper woman" would help the father of her kids to get a house so the kids have something for when he passes away.

He even had the cheek to ask if my parents would gift him the house deposit.

I have just text him that if he doesn't pay me I will be going through court.

I will also defo be reporting him for mortgage fraud as well.

"A proper father would ensure his kids have something NOW when they need it"

He sees them for 4 hours a week. That's barely enough time for you to do a grocery shop and tidy around. I'd go straight to CMS... even if he isn't working, he's liable. Kids need to eat and be clothed and housed. It's not all on you.

I'd go straight to CMS because he's not being consistent

But also, don't stop your kids from seeing their Dad. It's THEIR access.

sittingonabeach · 20/02/2026 11:21

If he is employed can you get the money through his pay?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/02/2026 11:21

Let what go through courts? I would avoid family court if I could it’s very stressful. He might start trying for 5050 and to take the children’s benefits away from you if he’s awarded it (which he’d have the right to do) so take care

blackcatlove · 20/02/2026 11:22

Just go through CMS and pay the bit extra so if he doesn’t pay you, he’ll end up paying more. They can take it from his pay. Reduce your conflict by using CMS.

MrsPenelopeBridgerton · 20/02/2026 11:23

Cheeky bugger. Go through the CMS.

Snorlaxo · 20/02/2026 11:23

If you agreed to no CM and he got a mortgage then he’d use the mortgage as an excuse not to pay CM.

He owes the kids CM and shouldn’t have got the Merc- that’s going to look dodgier than CM.

Lavender14 · 20/02/2026 11:23

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 10:58

He said "a proper woman" would help the father of her kids to get a house so the kids have something for when he passes away.

He even had the cheek to ask if my parents would gift him the house deposit.

I have just text him that if he doesn't pay me I will be going through court.

I will also defo be reporting him for mortgage fraud as well.

Op he's full of shit. He's not going to try and get a mortgage, he's trying to get money out of you and to stop paying you.

If he's been out of work for a year, has an expensive on HP, has no deposit there's no bank is giving him a mortgage. So the only logical conclusion here is that he's essentially trying to scam you.

Shut that shit down. Don't engage in any further conversation about it and go through cms if he doesn't pay. His kids are his responsibility and he needs to pay for them. Even if he did in an alternate universe secure a home and mortgage, there's nothing to stop him having kids with someone else and leaving it to them. You owe him nothing.

Shittyyear2025 · 20/02/2026 11:24

His mortgage lender will ask if he has any children as part of the affordability. He could lie, of course...

You need the financial support to look after your joint kids. He doesn't need a house or a Mercedes.

He should pay for his kids op, they still need a roof over their heads and food to eat

JudgeJ · 20/02/2026 11:25

goz · 20/02/2026 10:50

Well too bad. If he’s 43 and still hasn’t purchased a property that’s on him. Wanting to buy a house doesn’t turn back time and undo his parental responsibility.

With his employment record I doubt he would get a mortgage, surprised he managed to get HP for the Mercedes.

Mapletree1985 · 20/02/2026 11:26

Do not give an inch. He wants to live above his means, probably so he can pick up women. What he wants, needs, or struggles with - none of that is your problem any more.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 20/02/2026 11:28

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 11:05

He has no deposit either, apparently once he has been in a job for 12 weeks he will be able to secure a mortgage.

He has already had appointments with mortgage advisors and he has told me he hasn't declared DC to them.

Illegal then. You don't need to support him in illegal activity. And of course he should financially support his children. If he wants to keep it secret, why not suggest he pays you in cash for a few months?

TightlyLacedCorset · 20/02/2026 11:36

I would demand a small percentage share of the house in any future sale for agreeing to this and have it in writing that the children will benefit even should he remarry or move another woman in. I would have it all drawn up with a solicitor that we go to jointly a d retain a copy of any agreement.

Potentially your children would benefit more in the long run from the accumulation in asset value. Particularly if you're not going to save the maintenance. Do your children have savings in an ISA or any other other assets like bonds?

I admit that if I could manage without the maintenance, this would not seem an altogether unreasonable proposition to me.

Whydidyougothere · 20/02/2026 11:36

A vehicle on HP especially being recent would be a red flag to a mortgage broker anyway. A deposit for a 200K purchase is not small change you can save in 3 months even on a decent salary and no bank is going to lend after 3 months out of work and new employment.
He's just looking for you to agree in writing as proof to stop paying for the kids.

The only bit you are unreasonable about is saying he won't pay you so you don't want him seeing the kids.

Original poster
fedupofex · 20/02/2026 11:47

He would never go for 50/50 custody as it would interfere with his life too much.

He lives of ready made meals and takeaway and is genuinely astonished that I cook the kids meals from scratch.
Apparently I make it hard work for myself by cooking from scratch.

He came over a few weeks ago and he was playing upstairs with the kids whilst I cooked (I also made him dinner as I thought it would be nice for the kids to eat with their dad) and he had the cheek to say to me "Well at least you had an hour off from looking after the kids as I was with them" all whilst I was cooking.

He just dosent get it at all.

I will advise him if he hasn't paid me by today that I will be going through CMS.

He probably lied to secure HP as well as he hasn't worked since November 2025 and he got this car 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
Sartre · 20/02/2026 11:51

What a fool. I’d take it up with CMS, ask them for direct pay so he has no choice.

BudgetBuster · 20/02/2026 11:54

fedupofex · 20/02/2026 11:47

He would never go for 50/50 custody as it would interfere with his life too much.

He lives of ready made meals and takeaway and is genuinely astonished that I cook the kids meals from scratch.
Apparently I make it hard work for myself by cooking from scratch.

He came over a few weeks ago and he was playing upstairs with the kids whilst I cooked (I also made him dinner as I thought it would be nice for the kids to eat with their dad) and he had the cheek to say to me "Well at least you had an hour off from looking after the kids as I was with them" all whilst I was cooking.

He just dosent get it at all.

I will advise him if he hasn't paid me by today that I will be going through CMS.

He probably lied to secure HP as well as he hasn't worked since November 2025 and he got this car 2 weeks ago.

Genuine question... why was he in your house playing with the kids and you cooking him dinner? Like you've said in your OP he is an awful person...

ThatLilacTiger · 20/02/2026 11:55

Everything else aside, do not get involved in committing mortgage fraud. You'll end up with a. cifas marker against your name and be financially fucked for the rest of your life.

mindutopia · 20/02/2026 12:05

He won’t get a mortgage anyway with his dodgy employment history. Unless he is paying you 80% of his salary 🙄 it’s going to make no difference in his long term affordability. Plus mortgage applications will ask about dependents and factor in how much they cost. But whatever, no way he’s getting a mortgage anyway. It took us 10 years to save up to afford to buy our house. He needs to start saving and get his finances sorted like the rest of us mere mortals.

krustykittens · 20/02/2026 12:07

TightlyLacedCorset · 20/02/2026 11:36

I would demand a small percentage share of the house in any future sale for agreeing to this and have it in writing that the children will benefit even should he remarry or move another woman in. I would have it all drawn up with a solicitor that we go to jointly a d retain a copy of any agreement.

Potentially your children would benefit more in the long run from the accumulation in asset value. Particularly if you're not going to save the maintenance. Do your children have savings in an ISA or any other other assets like bonds?

I admit that if I could manage without the maintenance, this would not seem an altogether unreasonable proposition to me.

Yes, because there is no way this wouldn't turn into a court battle the OP cannot afford to fight. The man needs to pay for what his kids need now.