To choose football over son

[Newuser75]

I’m just wanting to get some opinions.
My husband the other day told me that if his football team get into the fa cup final he wil choose to go there instead of watch our son perform in his one off drama show that he has been practising for months for.

For context, this is not the first time (by far) that football has been prioritised over family life and our son is autistic and has only recently had the confidence to go to any kind of club let alone perform on a stage and he has a leading role. In fact, until a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even sing in front of my husband (only me).

I think he should prioritise his son but he says as it would be a special match he would see nothing wrong in going.

I’m aware at this moment it is hypothetical but I still disagree.

My friend's dad did similar when she was a child and she detached from him completely as an adult. By the time he died, she hadn't spoken to him in 10 years and didn't attend his funeral.

What her dad taught her by prioritising himself was that she wasn't important. She remembered this as an adult and treated him in exactly the same way & told him so. He couldn't complain because he did the same to her. Your dh can prioritise football but shouldn't complain when you all move on without him.

I don’t follow the football really, husband does, but for me I think it depends completely on the team. I know my husband & BIL were chatting at the weekend about a team who are still in and saying this team have never made the final before so if they did it would be a huge historic moment for the club- in that instance I’d be less bothered and more understanding that it’s a real one off special match.

If the team is Man City who have won it multiple
times though thats very different.

But the son’s performance is a ‘huge historic moment’ for HIM! His son, who has overcome significant difficulties to be able to do what he is doing.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

I suppose it could be a once in a lifetime thing for the club but your son will be in other productions, at least that’s the way he sees it. Football is a terrible disease if you have it bad.

What was the context for this conversation?

The final is a long way off so why was it being discussed now when the possibility of his team being in it is still very remote? Lots of teams are still in it at this point.

It sounds like the real problem is that you feel he doesn't care much about your son or you. How does he show this?
You would be better having the discussion about his lack of engagement based on what has actually happened rather than arguing about a hypothetical future possible choice.

But if he doesn't care much about you both, you aren't going to change that. You can only decide if you should stay married if he doesn't.

As a wife whose whole family are football mad, there’s many of times football has come first and family events have to be scheduled around this, but in your case I would’ve thought my DH would want to attend your DS’s performance. I’ve learnt to live with the fact that football is my DH’s passion and hobby, he’s giving up his season ticket of over 20 years, hopefully we will be able to book things without having to check fixtures.

Of course he should go and see his team in the FA cup final - that's a once in a lifetime opportunity for most ordinary fans. A drama show is no big deal and your son will only care if you make it a big deal.

And that’s great, but it won’t be the last thing his son does.

To be honest if it is a “team first to the FA cup final” situation it would be nice for him to take his son to witness that little piece of history too.

As I say I’m not bothered about the football but even I can get that if its a team first it’s a special moment in history, a kids drama show is great and lovely but isn’t quite that.

It came about as they have just got through to the next round and we know the date of my son’s show is the same date as the final.
And yes, you are right, I’m sick of the rest of us being lower down his priority list than football.

There isn’t anything that I would rather do than support my kids and I guess I wish he felt the same way.

He should prioritise his child - more to the point, he could want to. The fact that he thinks football is more important and would rather be there, is a problem imo.
I don't think I could remain married to someone who put his hobby above his family.

Can't believe anyone would do this, child should come first every time.

Also as an aside, I would be wary of making the show a massive deal to your son.

You might feel like you are showing you are proud of him but it might feel like a lot of pressure to him especially in the last run up to it. Nerves can really kick in a few days before.

So it's great he has overcome his shyness but you might not be helping him by saying "OMG, this is amazing, what a massive day, we will remember this forever, we never thought we would see this day" etc.

Be supportive but focus on the process, not the outcome. "It's great that you have been rehearsing so diligently. The teacher said you worked really hard today, well done."

Your son might feel there that you didn't believe in him being able to do it if you make a huge deal about it and then doubt creeps in.

This doesn't stop your husband being an idiot but just a word of warning ahead of show time. Be a bit more neutral to reduce any pressure on your son.

YANBU as it means so much to your son. But at the same time I do think it is poor timing to schedule a kids drama show at the same time as the cup final when it is foreseeable that a large portion of the audience would prefer to be watching the football - why choose a day which inevitably has to involve that sacrifice?

Thanks, we haven’t said anything like this to him. Just that we are proud of him doing it.

The show is on the evening. The football is through the day but miles away.

The chances of him getting an FA Cup final ticket were his club to get there is small, because of the dubious way tickets are allocated to the clubs who get there. A season ticket holder of 20 years did I used to work with not get one when his club got there, for example.

Probably a hypothetical question.

He should prioritise the show, because making sacrifices is being a parent. But I’ll say this - I’ve seen my team get to the FA Cup final once in my half a century on this earth. Going to Wembley and watching them win was one of the highlights of my life, and I will never forget it. I’ve watched my DCs in numerous shows and can’t really remember them much at all. Being honest, they’re usually a bit tedious. You can’t blame him for wanting to go to a final that has been his dream for his whole life.

Does he:
Take your son to rehearsals
Talk to him about the club
Ask him about how it is going and listen carefully to the response
Praise him for putting the effort in
Enthusiastically listen to him practice at home and give positive feedback
Engage with your son on other interests and find something in common for them to do together regularly
Make your son feel valued and interesting to his father

All of the above is far more important than the show itself. If he was doing all of the above and had a once in a generation chance to see his team in the final, then I would say that is fine

But from your posts, I guess that he doesn't do any of that and that is the real problem not a hypothetical football match

Are they only showing it one time?

His autistic son's first drama show, with a leading role, in circumstances when he hasn't previously been able to perform in public, is definitely a major deal. By contrast, a bunch of rich men chasing a ball around a field definitely isn't, particularly when he can watch a recording on TV.

Well I don't agree at all. How old is the son? How these things are framed is what matters. The father is allowed to have a life and have needs and wishes too. In a family there should be a balancing of needs. It would be an unfortunate clash but the father can go to the next performance. If it is explained to him in a way the child understands and in a way that doesn't contain op's personal feelings about it, it will all be fine. The son might even prefer only his mother to go for all we know, given he doesn't like singing in front of his dad.

The point is that it's the first time his son has done something that is particularly difficult for him. And he's telling his son that he can't be bothered to put himself out to support him.

He's also basically telling his son that, for him, he comes lower in his priority list than watching football. It's a dreadful message to send out. He'll be able to watch the match on TV, after all.

There is only one performance. If he misses it, he has no further chance to see it. He also has a history of putting his needs and wishes above his family's. RTFT.

To be perfectly honest he is not you? Everyeingle one of us on mn can say the usual leave him but he is his own person, he is a grown adult who can make his own decisions you cant dictate what he should do

Same he cant to you