To choose football over son

[Newuser75]

I’m just wanting to get some opinions.
My husband the other day told me that if his football team get into the fa cup final he wil choose to go there instead of watch our son perform in his one off drama show that he has been practising for months for.

For context, this is not the first time (by far) that football has been prioritised over family life and our son is autistic and has only recently had the confidence to go to any kind of club let alone perform on a stage and he has a leading role. In fact, until a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even sing in front of my husband (only me).

I think he should prioritise his son but he says as it would be a special match he would see nothing wrong in going.

I’m aware at this moment it is hypothetical but I still disagree.

I’m a massive life long football fan and I would 100% go to my DD’s show. And she does several a year not a massive one off big deal.

Maybe not in this country but there are definitely intense fans of other sports in the states (where I'm from) and probably other version of this elsewhere.

I think if you just replace it with 'Madonna concert' or 'Hamilton performance' or even 'friend's wedding' or whatever else would be a consideration for you (or that you could understand being a consideration for others) and take the football out of it that might make more sense to you. I think there's nothing wrong with having a conversation about priorities but I still think it's worth making sure he's fully involved in your child's life in other ways if not in this specific way. And if you son wants, maybe extended family / friends / family friends can come support him on the night.

And - as others said - this might not even happen (I couldn't be less interested in football so don't really know the details, but others said this is unlikely anyway).

If this disagreement is symptomatic of wider problems then fair enough.

If not and everything is usually fine, I think you're being unreasonable to push what's currently just a theoretical question. The chances of Sunderland making it to the final are tiny. Creating pointless arguments over things that will almost certainly not happen very much comes under "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" for me. I also think that the way you've framed it is overly dramatic.

I had both parents come to most things they could (performances) as a child and it was awesome. But as I got older they stopped (for various reasons) and it makes me sad. So if he can go, he should go.
on the other side, I have a footy mad partner and I get how they want to go but, kids will grow up and remember that a sports team was more important than them.

Your son will have the opportunity to do lots of drama shows in his life, but this is not likely to happen again (sorry) for Sunderland fans.

As I mentioned it’s by far not the first time that football has been prioritised. If it was the first time there would be no issue.
I didn’t bring up the topic, he brought it up at the weekend when the team got through to the next round.
I disagree that I’m being “overly dramatic”. I just wish he would prioritise his family over a hobby but he has frequently shown that he will not. This singular hypothetical football match is a drop in the ocean.

But he has been to Wembley for a cup final before, and to Wembley to watch them
in other finals a few times since we have been together so it isn’t a one off!

Football is tribal. It's not just watching a game. A quote from an article that sums it up:

"Fans form a strong sense of belonging, often passing allegiance down through generations, similar to religion or politics."

I have to agree. I have just mentioned this to DH, who made several comments about Sunderland that one can't repeat on MN, suffice to say what the OP is worrying about is unlikely.

But if my local team were ever in FA cup final, you wouldn't see me for dust. In fact the whole town would be at the game (or watching it on TV) so the drama wouldn't be going ahead anyway.

Yanbu op. My DH is a massive rugby fan but he’d miss every single match if he had to choose between that and his kids (and has done many times). He can record it and watch it later. Family is what matters.

Thanks. It depends on the club, but for the club my family supports we have not attended a final in 50 years, so if we get there we will go. A good husband will of course look to prioritise events for DCs at would I, but there will be rare times when other events take priority. A once in a lifetime FA cup final for us would be one. For those not interested in football, I understand it can be difficult to understand this intensity, but for us it would be really important to go.

Has he changed since you married him, or has he always held football at the forefront?

I’m afraid I didn’t as I was out of the country. Shame as we don’t have much to celebrate this season 😳

Is your son’s show once in a lifetime though? He will probably end up doing loads of shows. If you not a football fan it is difficult to understand/explain but they’ve got 3 more games to play and win before it’s even a issue

Oh that’s a tough one. If it were me, I’d choose my son’s performance but I’d be gutted about the football. If the drama class offer the opportunity to see the dress rehearsal, I would do that and go to the football. We had to do that the first year of my son’s drama class. He joined part way through the year, and we were booked to go to a festival (son too). Of course that weekend ended up being the performance. The class offered parents to come and see the rehearsal the class a week before the show. We did that (the teacher knew our son wouldn’t be there on the day but gave him some lines anyway).

If you marry someone sports mad, this is what you get and I say this as someone who married someone who is sports mad.

DH has missed dinners, events etc because of sport. We have rescheduled things because of sport and it’s put quite a bit of strain on our marriage.

Let it go and let your DH make whatever decision he will. You will be there so your DS will have a parent present.

They will be there 💙

OP I can absolutely promise you that Sunderland have never had a final like this (and this year probably won’t). The playoffs at Wembley are completely different to a cup final, which you haven’t been in since 2014 when you lost the league cup final.
I honestly don’t know how you’re married to a football fan and don’t understand the importance of the FA cup. Now granted they’ve been awful for years but so were my club.
I’m not just saying this because I support Newcastle but assuming you live in the north east how do you not know that football is like a religion for both Mags and Mackems. There’s almost nothing in the world that would have stopped me watching our team win the cup last year (first in my lifetime) and my DS was with me. My DD was with her non football supporting dad doing something else.
This is a non even as they won’t reach the final so your DH will be able to watch your son, and yes you are being unreasonable. Wait a few weeks until they get knocked out and be kind to him as they plummet down the prem as well.

YANBU but I think my judgement is clouded because I hate that (mostly) men think they get some kind of trump card just because it's football.

I imagine if some kind of once in a lifetime event cropped up for you OP he would still expect you to go to your son's show. But because it's 💫football💫 he can do what he wants.

Your DHs a cunt. BUT reality is DS (and you?) would probably prefer him not there as he’ll spoil the atmosphere.

I actually cannot believe what I’m reading. Do male football fans brainwash their wives or something?

Her musical/theatrical autistic son should go to a loud football match over his first performance? Absolutely not.

I have competed, at an equivalent level for my sport, for a very long time and I wouldn’t even consider choosing to do that over watching my child. This is something that I earn from, something that I am actually involved in- not just being a fan.

Funnily enough many of us women are actually lifelong football fans too and have not been brainwashed by our husbands 🙄

Why on earth did he even mention it? It's only the 5th round! He's caused a lot of fuss when there was no need to!

I'm afraid I'm team DH. I'm a massive footy fan and there is no way I would miss my team in the FA Cup final. Closest they have got is the semi finals. I would withdraw my DS from the show. Yes, that makes me an appalling mother!

I suspect that your DH has got excited as Sunderland have drawn either Port Vale or Bristol City in the next round. He’s allowed his excitement to run away from him and dream that they will make the final.

He has shot himself in the foot here. Pissing off the OP for no reason. But it does sound like that this match is a symptom of deeper problems rather than a one off.

I agree with everything he has said there. It is understandable that you don't understand. But I also can't put into words why it's so important to help you understand. It just is. It's kind of in your blood if you have been brought up as a fan, particularly if it has been passed down the generations. I am female and a die hard football fan. I love my kids but would never give up an FA Cup final. They have me 365 days a year, one day will not hurt. It's unfortunate that it lands on his show but that's life. I think it is utterly, utterly ridiculous to question his parenting or his relationship with you. (Unless he is a dickhead in other areas and this is not an isolated event).