To choose football over son

[Newuser75]

I’m just wanting to get some opinions.
My husband the other day told me that if his football team get into the fa cup final he wil choose to go there instead of watch our son perform in his one off drama show that he has been practising for months for.

For context, this is not the first time (by far) that football has been prioritised over family life and our son is autistic and has only recently had the confidence to go to any kind of club let alone perform on a stage and he has a leading role. In fact, until a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even sing in front of my husband (only me).

I think he should prioritise his son but he says as it would be a special match he would see nothing wrong in going.

I’m aware at this moment it is hypothetical but I still disagree.

I'm guessing a Leeds fan. They haven't been to a cup final in years!

Im not a football fan but the rest of my family are. I was lucky enough to go with DH to see his team in the fa Cup & they won. It was a once in a lifetime event & although Im not fussed at all about football, after being at Wembley for his team I genuinely understand why it is so important to true fans to go if their club is unlikely to do it again.

2 of my DC are now adults & they honestly cant remember all the shows, end of term events, sporting finals etc they were in let alone who came to watch them.

If his team get to the final & he gets tickets then he should go - its not a big deal if he misses your sons performance in the scheme of things.

Im a football fan but family comes first. DH is an arsehole.

Yes, I'd be tempted to swerve the performance and make a family day of the football. It will be something the DC never forget (if it happens) and you all get to share something important to DH - novel idea to recognise that what's important to DH is important too, I realise.

Assuming it is one of the clubs for which this is a really big deal.

Mn is full of posts saying to mothers that it’s ok to look after yourself, take time for yourself, child has two parents blah blah blah!

Yes but the double standard is alive and well

Erm. She literally said herself that there is nothing she'd rather do than be with her kids. So not really made up is it...

A good mother! We are bringing up a generation of spoilt and excessively reliant young people. It is perfectly possible to be a parent and have other things in your life. It's very unhealthy for a child to be the sole focus of its parents.

If his team is Leeds or Wrexham then I’d frankly understand it.

Different sport, but if my team were/are in the Superbowl I wouldn't miss watching it for anything on earth. And it would be one of the most important things in my life if they won. But I would watch it on TV and support my kid even if I could get tickets. I think witnessing it would be the key, but wouldn't have to physically be there, when being physically there for a child, being able to sincerely tell them how great they did, and to hug them afterwards would mean more to them.

I have plenty of hobbies, just none which I put in front of my children.

I am assuming your son wants him there? Only asking because if he’s anxious and closer to you he might not want a massive audience (I have an autistic daughter who dances and gets anxious about too much family watching her at once)

If your son wants him there then he should be there. Full stop. This is a massive thing and he deserves support. Fair enough if it’s a regular occurrence or he has a lot of different activities but this is special and your husband should be there if invited.

And yes of course I think adults should have interests but in this specific situation of an anxious child who finally has been brave enough to join something and it’s his first and only performance then yes - I think it’s more important than football. I like watching sports and my husband is a massive NFL fan but he’d miss a playoff game for my daughter if it was the only opportunity. Usually we split up so my daughter has someone at every performance but when there’s only one opportunity we both go.

Agree with this.

I am a football fan.

Going to a football match instead of doing something for your child? I'm sorry but that sounds so pitiful. Such a mug, football is a complete racket making people think this is "my" team and "we" are going to Wembley etc etc... it's all engineered to make money off you. The team being in the final is nothing to do with you. It's a mild entertainment for you at best, it's not your real life.

I was just testing whether I'd feel differently if it was for example an amazing musician whose music I loved and this was their only day playing in the UK for 30 years or something. Maybe I'd get it, a tiny bit more. But unless I had pre bought tickets I wouldn't go there instead of to the kids' show.

Having said that, if I HAD bought tickets I know my DH would do the best job taking child to show, bigging them up, taking photos and video if allowed, so I could see them. As I would do for him. I think it's important to be able to cover for each other.

So, if you had pre bought tickets you'd be prioritising the money over your child because that's the only reason you'd go....

Depends, if it’s Mansfield/Port Vale/Leeds/Wrexham then he isn’t being unreasonable but they probably won’t be in the final anyway so he’d be daft to be having an argument about it at this stage.

Can’t they change the time of the performance? It’s a shame they didn’t check what else was going on at the same time.

I mean future other, different performances. I assume the child has not already decided he will never perform again. If he has then not sure what the big deal is. The problem with a lot of parents on mumsnet is they think no child should ever have uncomfortable feelings or be disappointed in any way. It is resulting in increasing sense of entitlement, lack of resilience and anxiety in the younger generations. Of course here things must be balanced as there are two important events but on this occasion the father's needs should trump the mother's (I don't say child's because we don't yet know what he child wants - interesting in itself- and the mother will be there so the child will not have no one there). If there is an ongoing problem with the father of his absence, lack of interest and domination of football then that should definitely be addressed by the mother, but not by way of a one off punishment of stopping him seeing his team in the FA cup final. It should be addressed more assertively and firmly throughout the year. In my view op's view is heavily influenced by her resentment towards the father and not even about the child's needs, or only tangentially.

I mean, if it's say Mansfield and you live in Mansfield, he won't be the only person who'd want to go.
If it's Liverpool, then he needs to go another year.

Surprised they are doing all that rehearsal and only one show.

he could watch at home on TV, and then go in the evening? Yeah I guess the atmosphere would be different, but he'll still see the match?

If it is a lower teague team who are unlikely to ever reach another cup final, I would choose the football over some kids performance.

He could absolutely watch it on the tv and then watch the show in the evening.
He could also go to the local stadium and watch it on the big screen in the area outside the stadium and then get home for the show.

its only a small, local drama group which is why there is only one show.

I guess the atmosphere would be the whole point of it. If you watch Mansfield week in, week out then missing the FA cup final for a children’s show would be gutting.

I’m saying the DH isn’t being unreasonable with the caveat that he does his fair share the rest of the time. Like someone said upthread, does he take DS to rehearsals, is he there when DS needs support? That’s much more important than a one off performance IME.

It’s Sunderland. He has been down to Wembley a few times to watch them in finals. I know they haven’t won a fa cup for a long time but he watched them
there last year get promoted.

I am a huge football fan but this is ridiculous - his son is more important. It wouldn’t occur to me to choose football over my son.