To choose football over son

[Newuser75]

I’m just wanting to get some opinions.
My husband the other day told me that if his football team get into the fa cup final he wil choose to go there instead of watch our son perform in his one off drama show that he has been practising for months for.

For context, this is not the first time (by far) that football has been prioritised over family life and our son is autistic and has only recently had the confidence to go to any kind of club let alone perform on a stage and he has a leading role. In fact, until a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even sing in front of my husband (only me).

I think he should prioritise his son but he says as it would be a special match he would see nothing wrong in going.

I’m aware at this moment it is hypothetical but I still disagree.

Totally agree with @Jellybunny56. If the team is Man City then he should go to his child’s performance . If his club is Mansfield he should definitely go to Wembley

Defo you are stressing about nothing. His team will not get there! If it is Mansfield then the drama show will be moved because there will be whole families going. Bill Shankly once said "Football is far more important than life and death"

I can see why watching the football would feel important to him. I really do.

But this would mean so much to your son.

My daughter's father has never supported her in anything she's done - gymnastic competitions, dance shows, parents evenings, nothing.

She's currently at university 200 miles away and is part of a competitive sports team. Next month, they are competing half an hour away from home. They competed in the same event last year too.

He didn't go because it was 'too far away'. And 'I'm important too'.

That's always been his excuse.

It's important to her.

Yes, but I'm important too.

She hasn't even asked him this year. She doesn't always visit him when she comes home for the weekend. She's learnt her place in his life.

He doesn't see that his years of antipathy where she is concerned have led her to feel unimportant in his eyes.

Her boyfriend of a year is travelling for 2.5 hours to come and see her. He dad of 19 years won't even travel a fifth of that.

It's not about adults having their own lives (I've still had my own hobbies and interests over the years) it's about showing up for them and what you are communicating to them about their value in your life.

Am I allowed if it’s wolves? 🙏

Did your dp at least show that it was a tough decision for him to make and he’s upset he will miss the show?

We’re a family who loves football and have all happily rearranged things just to watch big matches even just on tv but there are some things I couldn’t and a show would be that one. My ds (autistic) was in a school show once - he was brilliant, spoke clearly (he has a stutter) was a fab dancer (I didn’t know - normally has little coordination) and I really thought he would want to do more after the show. But nope, he was one and done so I am glad I saw him as it was one the best evenings of my life.

This is not okay. And put it this way, your DH is only able to take that view and liberty because you are there to attend instead, what would he do if you were not around/available.

It hasn’t been a tough decision for him unfortunately, he just said “of course I’m going to go”, there wasn’t even a second to think about it which is sad.

His child, that he chose to have, should be a bigger part of his life than football though. My husband is a huge football fan, has had a season ticket since his teens, treats it like a bloody religion and would be gutted to miss a match like that (his team never get that far) but he wouldn’t think twice about cancelling for one of our children. He would quietly be gutted and would talk about it with me but there’s no way he would miss an event for one of the kids. He’s missed important matches at the end of the season just for them to be able to go to a friends birthday party because he doesn’t like them missing out, because he’s not a shit father and puts them first.

Oh that’s not on. That’s really sad

Have you someone else who could come like a grandparent. My kids would have been just as happy for another person to come in similar situations.

Neither my FIL or two BILs went to my husband's stag do because their football team had reached the play-offs (for promotion I think) so they dropped out. My husband was really hurt. The team lost and didn't get promotion. They all said it was a rubbish match and 'they wished they hadn't bothered going'. Absolutely no clue that was even more hurtful to my husband. Football fans think differently I think.

I think you are right and I’m desperate to understand why, then I would understand his decisions.

Your husband has got the right to enjoy life even after becoming a father, I would think.
There's a very thin line in such situations, what is "acceptable" and what isn't. I don't understand the investment in football or any sport, but chose to remain child free so I can always put myself first.
Can you explain to your son that his father going to the match doesn't mean he doesn't care about him, or something like that, if you're willing?

Ugh! Any bloke that prioritises a bloody football match (any TV sporting event) over something important in their kids lives, is a massive turn off.

It’s like when you go to a wedding and they put the big screen on in another room just so the twatty knobheads can stand around together boozing and pretending they’re in their local pub, instead of the fact they’re actually attending someone’s wedding.

If his male relatives are all big football fans, why on earth would he arrange his stag do for the weekend their team was in the playoffs? Surely his action in giving them no consideration was just as bad?

I’ve said YABU because you can’t force people to care about things that they don’t care about. What’s important to you, and your son, is not to your partner. When you accept that, you’ll probably have more clarity about what this man actually brings to you & your son’s lives.

The stag do was already arranged before they qualified for whatever it was. So they had previously agreed to the date and then dropped out. He had other people coming. His brother doesn't particularly like football as it happens, although his Dad and BIL are regular supporters. So no, it wasn't his fault at all

Plenty of women who sit near me would take a cup final as a first priority, so there's that. Shame he can't get a ticket for the football for the boy, really. Sunderland won it in 1973 so it comes around every 50 years or so. Except they won't get to the final this year so don't worry about it.

As massive football fans (season ticket holders) it depends for me.

who’s his team? Man City/arsenal/Liverpool etc I would except him to give up they get to Wembley all the time. If he supports Macclesfield or Wrexham then I would be more flexible because they will likely not make it this far again for a few years and your son will do more drama performances

I guess the main thing is how your son feels about it.

I think I hope you don’t have kids.

Whether what’s important to your son is itself important to you is really not relevant though? Parents support because it’s important to their child, and their child is important to the parent. The ops dh is saying their child isn’t that important to him.

So it's not actually the cup final so many have mentioned, but just another round - in which case it hardly seems a once in a lifetime" thing

Not that you'll have much luck conveying that to someone seized with the tribal nature of football ...

Sorry, it’s the final that’s on the same day as the show. This was in reply to someone who asked how the conversation came about.

@BitOutOfPractice did you watch the Wolves game Sunday at Blundell park?
Your guy at the back is a bit imposing!
Shame about our pitch though!