To choose football over son

[Newuser75]

I’m just wanting to get some opinions.
My husband the other day told me that if his football team get into the fa cup final he wil choose to go there instead of watch our son perform in his one off drama show that he has been practising for months for.

For context, this is not the first time (by far) that football has been prioritised over family life and our son is autistic and has only recently had the confidence to go to any kind of club let alone perform on a stage and he has a leading role. In fact, until a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even sing in front of my husband (only me).

I think he should prioritise his son but he says as it would be a special match he would see nothing wrong in going.

I’m aware at this moment it is hypothetical but I still disagree.

I appreciate people can enjoy it and support their team but there doesn’t seem to be any other sport that makes people behave like this

Other sports don't seem to attract quite the same level of tribalism, @Newuser75, and that's probably what's leading him to some fantasy that Sunderland will win the cup

It grips some people like that and you just happen to be with one of them.
It wouldn't do for me, but each to their own ...

I think it's overly dramatic to frame it as "football v his son" when it's actually "football v his son's drama show".

I also think it's telling that you have responded to my mentioning wider problems with a reference to him prioritising football previously. I really meant something a lot broader than that- are there fundamental problems in the relationship, rather than has he ever prioritised a football match before. If things are ok, I don't see why you'd get hung up about something that is almost certainly not happening It's like falling out about what you'd do if you won the lottery (sorry, Sunderland fans 😭)

In your shoes, I'd just say "let's cross that bridge when we come to it" and leave it at that.

I did specifically say male football fans and I was replying to a woman that said she wasn’t a football fan.

I have (female) friends that are into football, both playing and watching and none of them would rather be watching a match than their child. If they did I would think they were just as bad.

You don’t have to tell me women like sports, I am a woman in sports. It’s just something about men (/people) that think a game, that they aren’t even playing, is more important than anything else I have a problem with.

Edited because I can’t type today.

I’ve really had to ponder this one long and hard. We are a sports household so to speak, my DH is a football man and I’m racing mad and there have been times when the other has done things with our little one so the other can attend/watch sporting events.
But in the situation of watching a performance, I know I’d choose that over racing in a heartbeat and I think my DH would do the same over football. So no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I think a lovely compromise is watching it at the local stadium so he can soak up the atmosphere with like minded fans and then still be able to make the performance in the evening. To be honest, it sounds more fun to watch it like that than the hassle Wembley can be at times!

I completely understand. I really, really, don't 'get' football.

It's not even as if he's playing himself! That's what I find so weird about football - at least if people were obsessed with playing it they would be the ones benefitting from the exercise, celebrating scoring a goal etc. - but it's just watching a group of completely random men who don't know you exist, and nowadays don't even come from the same local area as either you or the team you're supporting. I just don't see why it matters so much, and nobody has ever been able to explain it!

You're right in saying there are very few other hobbies where this sort of obsession is accepted. Possibly music, as in seeing your favourite band live, but anything else - have you ever heard of someone missing a special occasion to do some knitting or watch the finale of a netball tournament or the season finale of their favourite tv show?

I mean - I have explained it upthread. It's a powerful sense of belonging and community. It links people from all different walks of life (men, women and children). It's a shared interest - lots of men in particular don't like talking about personal things with other men but get them talking about sport with a bloke from work and they can go for ages. I've had good football chats with call centre handlers before just based on accent. A lot of adults have been going since they were tiny with mums and dads they have since lost. You get whole stadiums applauding in tribute sometimes when a fellow fan dies, young or old.

I think he sounds like a selfish prick. Your DS should come first that shouldn’t even be a question particularly given how important a milestone this appears to be for him.

Of course a show where OP's son has a leading role is a big deal, particularly as he has struggled with lack of confidence due to his autism. This is obviously a major achievement for him and his dad is being a dick.

Hopefully, his team will be knocked out well before the final.

I would be disappointed in a husband if he chose to watch the football rather than a one off first-time performance of his son, and would think less of him. It’s his choice, but if he decides to go I wouldn’t be covering it up or smoothing it over with your son. Or colluding in any fibs about it. I think it would be a great shame and would most likely affect his relationship with your son, but would stay out of it.

What's the voting?
You asked AIBU <dh's opinion> but everyone's voted AIBU <your opinion>

Ffs.

Dh IBU.
YANBU

My husband is an avid football fan, he would prioritise nothing over his sons, he is their biggest supporters.

he simply is just a crap Dad.

yeah, still don't get it sorry.

I mean, I understand that people DO talk about football for ages but don't understand why they can't just talk about...literally anything else.

If people have a "shared accent" for example, then why can't they talk for hours about the local area they grew up in, people they know, funny stories, folktales, landscape, music, history, etc. Those are all still shared commonalities. Why is it 11 random men kicking a ball at each other that's somehow more interesting than, again...literally any other topic of conversation?

If men can't talk about anything real with their friends and can only talk about something which has no actual relevance to their life, I find that really sad, actually, and not something to be celebrated.

It's not reciprocal, is it? The owners, and to some extent the players, don't really give a shit about the fans, other than how much they can rinse them for, money wise. 99% of people involved in the relationship talk incessantly about the 1%, care and know more about them than their family and friends, and pay them a significant portion of their comparatively low income. The 1% couldn't care if the 99% live or die as long as they keep paying out. It's all just a bit parasocial and pathetic, IMHO.

Then there's the whole link with hooliganism and DV - again, you don't get that with the Olympics or a Taylor Swift gig.

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with people liking or even loving football, just because I don't. It's just the way the compulsivity some people (like OP's DH) exhibit is accepted in a way it wouldn't be for almost any other activity or interest.

You said "Nobody has ever been able to explain it." You not understanding or accepting the explanation is not the same thing.

And if you don't think Taylor Swift fans have a parasocial relationship with her then you aren't paying attention!

Also - what is this "paying out"? What for? I went to an FA cup match this weekend and it was £30. My son's ticket was a fiver which is about half the price of a cinema ticket. On an average week it costs me £0 to be a football fan.

It’s not a shared accent. It’s an accent from a particular area. Like I am a scouser and as soon as people hear me they’ll say red or blue!! And then that opens up a conversation.

have you ever met a swifty? They are obsessed.

@latetothefisting lots of people have obsessions / things they would choose that I wouldn’t.

I’ll give an example - dogs. Now I don’t dislike dogs. But people I know who love them like children, won’t go on holiday because they won’t leave them, consider them part of the family, prioritise them over wide family, sleep with them even though their partner doesn’t like it etc Nope, don’t get it at all. Yet on mn that seems to be completely acceptable. Encouraged even. And I acccept that lots of people have very strong emotional attachment to their dogs. Even if I don’t.

So you see, you don’t have to feel it to understand it.

Yes, this is exactly what I mean about accents.
I had a good chat with someone at a Welsh bank a few years ago when Wales were doing ok in one of the international tournaments. I'm not Welsh myself.

It depends who the team is. As PP said, if it's one that's been to a final before then no. But if he's been following them for years and they've never done his before then, I think it would be ok.

It’s irritating OP, and you’ll be annoyed about it for a while, but luckily the chances of it happening are extremely low!

I am a huge football fan, but I wouldn’t be missing something important for my kids over it - but mums are wired a bit different to some dads!

You wouldn't feel that way if the performance clashed with something you're passionate about.

I had to miss Crufts once because two of my kids had a show. I went to their show but was seething with resentment internally but tried not to show it.

In a sense I can understand why he might want to go to the football - it could be a ‘once in a life time’ event and he’s a fan. If it were me though, I couldn’t do it if I thought my son was disappointed. That would’ve heartbreaking.

Shame this dad can’t see his own children as his tribe isn’t it.

His own autistic son who’s pushing his own boundaries, doesn’t even get a look in. Very sad and bad parenting.

The answer to “why” OP, is because he’s selfish. There’s really nothing else to it. Whether it was football, another sport, seeing a friend, watching the solar eclipse or the opportunity to travel to the moon. His son should be a huge source of pride and the fact that he’s clearly not, shows just how selfish your husband is. He’s putting his own desires about those of his son, there really is nothing else to it.

Missing an event like this is a really common example for adults to give of a time their parents really let them down, that impacted them more deeply than their parents thought.

This is likely will be a big deal to your son, not something easily forgotten because of "next time". If he wants his dad there, I think he should make the effort to be there.

The team couldn't care less if he goes to see them or not.

Which is pathetic, when you really think about it.

Is it?

You don't gave to feel it to understand it.

Yeah that is....exactly what I said?

I dont have any issue with people enjoying things I don't, even if it's beyond what most people consider a normal/healthy degree. The issue is when it negatively affects other people, and there is a lot of evidence that football does have such a negative effect, more than pretty much any other hobby.

The other poster used Taylor swift as an example but I really don't think it's comparable....there's no spike in DV or hooliganism after a Taylor swift concert!! People spending their own money to buy 30 different versions of her album has absolutely no detrimental impact on anyone else.

Using your dog analogy other people being obsessed with their dogs has little to no impact on me but I would absolutely judge someone who had a dangerous/banned breed around young kids, or one who refused to take their kids on holiday because it would mean leaving the dog behind.