To choose football over son

[Newuser75]

I’m just wanting to get some opinions.
My husband the other day told me that if his football team get into the fa cup final he wil choose to go there instead of watch our son perform in his one off drama show that he has been practising for months for.

For context, this is not the first time (by far) that football has been prioritised over family life and our son is autistic and has only recently had the confidence to go to any kind of club let alone perform on a stage and he has a leading role. In fact, until a couple of months ago he wouldn’t even sing in front of my husband (only me).

I think he should prioritise his son but he says as it would be a special match he would see nothing wrong in going.

I’m aware at this moment it is hypothetical but I still disagree.

He just sounds like a shit dad tbh.

What sort of loser puts football before their own child?

At least your son has you OP, he's obviously worked out who he can trust most if you were the only one he could sing in front of for a while.

I really wouldn’t be arguing about this. They’re not going to make the final. They’ve had an easy run so far but that won’t last. Smile and nod then commiserate when they’re knocked out once they play a premiership team and he’ll be free to attend your sons performance.

I agree, but in the unlikely event that they do get through, you’ll have to honour your agreement. It probably won’t happen again in your DH’s lifetime, or perhaps even your son’s lifetime.

I say this as someone who has no interest in football, never wants to watch a match or indeed any sport, but who wishes our local team well and is sad they’ve been knocked out.

Your DH is who he is. You say “it’s not the first time”, but that could be anything from being the second time to happening every week. All three of you should talk it through

I have no interest in football at all. But my DH and DS are huge football fans, and go to all the home matches, and some away, even if they are abroad. They have been to an FA cup final, and it was a huge deal to them, they were so excited, and happy they went (even though their team lost!)

So I can totally understand a footballs fan's desire to go to an FA cup final. I think it would be fine for your DH to go, in the unlikely event of his team making the final.

But my feelings would be very dependant on how supportive your DH is in general. If he is really good with your son, spends time with him, supports him in his activities, then going to the final would bother me less than if he doesn't generally support him.

My DH is a fantastic dad, very hands on, spent time with his kids, supported their activities etc. I'm not sure that him missing one play (even one that's very important to the children) would even register with them, as he is very involved in their lives. He's allowed to have some time of his own too, even if it does occasionally clash with events.

Sunderland won't have enough tickets for all their season ticket holders, and I doubt they will make the final.

Semi-finals are at Wembley, so might be a day out then.

I find that a really bizarre thing to say. I'd imagine lots of people would have absolutely no idea when the FA cup final is and it wouldn't even enter into people's consciousness when planning events that have absolutely nothing to do with football.

The child's show should come first, not some random football match.

Do you think describing the FA Cup final, especially if it involves a lower league team, as "some random football match", which it clearly isn't, adds weight to your argument.

Fair point. But if you have absolutely no interest in football, they are all random football matches.

Although the point remains the same if I say

The child's show should come first, not a football match.

Going to a play off game is not even close to the same as the FA Cup. If Sunderland get to the cup final (which they almost certainly won't so it doesn't really matter) then there's no way you should stop him. For Man City/Liverpool it's a regular thing but for Sunderland it's almost certainly a once in a lifetime.

I hate football so am completely biased. In fact being with a man into football at all would be a huge turn off for me. I agree with you OP, I think your child should come first and this won't be forgotten.

Can you please try to explain to me (as a non football fan) why this once in a lifetime opportunity should take priority over our sons once in a lifetime drama show?
I’m genuinely trying hard to understand, am not being snarky.

Sunderland are unlikely to make the final considering Arsenal, Man City, Chelsea, Newcastle and Liverpool are still in the competition. Especially as their captain is still out injured.

I’m a big football fan as are the whole family. If really big matches coincide with events, football would come first as long as the event in question can be moved.

Your son’s event can’t be moved. Assuming you are in the NE, your DH could easily watch the match in the local fan zone and then attend your son’s event.

But, I’m 90% certain that Sunderland won’t make the final anyway. And if they do, your DH has made his choice. My reaction to this would depend on how involved DH is on the every day with your DC.

I think even if it was a non league club making the final...a child's first performance in these circumstances trumps (excuse the ugly word) everything else. Love football yes, but family more.

So what would you do?
DH has chosen the football. Even if he ends up at the show, you would know what he was thinking.

A regular Saturday game and I'd be fuming - the FA Cup for a once in a lifetime appearance, I think I'd just be hoping they didn't make the final.

🤣🤣🤣 Comedy post of the day. Well done! 👏

To me, it doesn’t even really matter if they get to the final or not, it’s the face that I know where his priorities lie (even more so now). This leaves me with a problem.

He can have his day out at Wembley for the semi final (hate that they play tge SF at Wembley).
Honestly, it's unlikely Sunderland will get to the final so it is likely a moot point

He needs to grow up. Football is only a game FFS.

His son matters so much more.

Am trying to think about how we'd approach this in our house. There are things that we don't attend for one reason or another but we do almost always make sure that one of us goes to everything. So if my husband had something he really, really wanted to do and my daughter had a show that same night, I guess it would be okay if I went without him - but he's a fully involved parent who goes to almost everything, so missing one thing for whatever reason would be manageable. I think my daughter would be disappointed if she wanted him there, but it wouldn't ruin their relationships as he shows up the other 364 days.

Does your son really want him there? That would change things too.

You’re right. It would make me have a hard look at just how good DH is with the DC on a daily basis. Just how involved is he, without your prompting?

This will help you to see if this football situation is a glitch or a symptom of a bigger problem.

I agree. I know it isn't the point but it's highly likely to end up being Arsenal vs Man City or Chelsea or Liverpool so it won't be an issue. However - they haven't won the FA Cup since 1973 and it is not the same watching it on TV. In our house we tend to go by the rule that one of us should attend these things if both of us can't. DS doesn't mind which of us goes.

My family is into football in a big way. If we're lucky enough to get to the FA cup final I would l and family members would be going. There are very few events that would be prioritised over what might be a once in a generation event. It is not a question of prioritising family time over football, a cup final is a rare and life important event.

Firstly you are thinking WAY ahead. His team may not even make the final for a start. Who does he support? If they are a team that have not ever made an FA cup final before then of course he should go. Making the final would be monumental and a once in a lifetime chance to see them play a cup final. But then again, I am a football fan and fully understand the importance of these things.

Normally I would be a 'always put family first' kind of person but on this occasion the football would win out.

There will be other drama shows and other performances that your son will take part in over the years but this may be a once in a lifetime chance to see his team in the FA cup final.

Play it by ear. Unless he supports a premier league team it may not even happen anyway.

This is the thing. He is insistent that football is much more than a game or a hobby but is unable to explain why not, instead just says I don’t understand . He is right but I don’t understand what it is about football that makes it so special. I appreciate people can enjoy it and support their team but there doesn’t seem to be any other sport that makes people behave like this.

But why is it more important that supporting your child at an event that’s important to them?