Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

Depends what it was.

Did involved animal masks?

I mean how far out there?

5 x per week doesn’t sound like you struggling

Why are you upset? Upset he wouldn’t do something he didn’t want to sexually? Would it be seen as degrading?

It wasn't nice of him to react like that. He could have expressed that he didn't want to do the position without implying you were degrading yourself.

I don’t think you should be worried about your marriage, but whatever it was, he didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

I’m upset that he’s become so “vanilla” to the point that I feel ashamed for wanting to try something different or wanting to put effort into our sex life.

I am a bit confused, surely he has some interest if you are doing it 5 x a week?

But what did you suggest. Is he all just missionary position for 10 minutes and that's it?

You're feeling unfulfilled in the bedroom and he doesn't care. It'll eat away at your relationship. Is it just laziness?

Maybe talk to him first about what you would like to try/explore rather than at the time?

I’m sure I’ve seen posts from the other side, of posters being guilted into doing things they didn’t want sexually because the other person
said not doing it upset them and made them feel bad…

That's what I would have thought too.

What did you ask him, to have such a strong reaction as he did?

Does he make sure you finish at least?

Dont know, does he ensure you orgasm? Imo if its just a sexual position he sounds like a prude, what were the messages he got about sex from his family growing up?

well that’s not going to happen I respect his choice I think I’m more so upset at the comments he makes it’s not the first time but regardless I wouldn’t guilt him into doing things he doesn’t want to do and I hope my post didn’t give that impression , not my intention at all

I can understand why you felt uncomfortable. It is almost like he’s making you feel ashamed and grubby for asking for something in the bedroom. How condescending to kiss you on the forehead and go to sleep! It does not sound to me like your ‘pressuring’ him, it reads like you are totally respectful of his stance.

But, are you abit bored of vanilla? Haven’t we been encouraged to ask for what we want as women in the bedroom, not lying on our backs thinking of Britain anymore!

I would wonder why he doesn’t want to excite you? Work to keep it interesting and fun?

I hear you, I’m not sure what I’d do. I suppose try and bring it up but not in the bedroom during the act.

I don’t want my husband to do something he’s not comfortable with that was not my intention at all. I also don’t want my husband to tell me that I should respect myself and our marriage and that I’m not a whore ( just to name a few of the things he’s said)

Blimey OP, what did you want him to do?

He feels the lily does not need to be gilded (he just wants me).

I think you might be over reacting a bit. Of course talk to him about his language - “degrading” was absolutely the wrong word - but clearly what’s happened here is you’ve taken him by surprise mid intercourse and suggested something he is not at all comfortable with.

While you’re worrying, he’s probably also worrying that you’re bored sexually and planning to leave him.

Make sure you have a good chat about it at a non vulnerable moment (not starkers!) and see if there’s anything you’d both like to try

If either a man or woman is uncomfortable with something in the bedroom then it should not happen . And that’s the end of it.

Probably took him by surprise. Just talk to him

Wait, is this an update? Is what he said in the moment or during a later discussion? This language is much worse.

You really need to talk to him, it sounds like he was shocked and gave an impulsive reaction, I'm sure he doesn't think badly of you.

I think you are over reacting a little, thinking your marriage is in trouble. It sounds very healthy from what you say. I don't think its surprising that he isn't as sprightly as he was when he was 20, that's normal enough. I imagine it's frustrating if you are more experimental, but honestly i think most relationships of couples in 40s with two kids are quite routine and predictable.

Of course. But his reaction with the words degrading and whore wasn’t really acceptable.

This