Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

Oh I just read your update. Why would you then care at all about spicing things up in the bedroom if you’re planning on separating?

Maybe I could save my marriage as a lot of the issues mainly to do with sex but I think Friday made me realise I can’t

I feel sorry that you are so depressed about your suspicions OP but you would have had much better advice from the beginning if you had given all the facts in your original post.

It’s been quite a developing story hasn’t it.

We have gone from always having a great marriage with a very regular sex life and a wonderful night out together last weekend to upset and confusion over his poor remarks and attitude in bed, all in one post.

We then learn about you having tried to liven things up with the purchase of new lingerie and suddenly at the same time, evidence of his cheating by way of him buying lingerie and a 6k bracelet, - but not for you. And the story quickly develops onto the marriage is already over anyway and you just want to get it done with, buy your own house and start to co-parent properly. Phew !

Why bother asking if you are right to be hurt, when you are already half way out of the door without a single conversation about any of it with him.

I think I get what you were doing. You had this info about the purchases but you wanted to see if the sex thing was also evidence of cheating, and you wouldn't have been able to gauge that properly if you shared about the purchases up front. But it has made it a bit confusing to follow! First thing I would do is take £6k out of any joint money you have and save it away. If he's flush enough to treat his mistress to that amount, then he's flush enough to treat you too. That money will be really useful when you come to leave and get on your feet for paying for solicitors etc. Let him cover that as a 'gift' to you!

If that was the case then why create this thread asking if she was unreasonable for suggesting a new position to her DH. The whole story seems farfetched and the post seems to have moved a few times now with extra details added when the thread wasn't going her way.

Now we're talking about her DH spending £6k on gifts for who he is supposedly cheating with etc.

@BeNimblePeachDuck if all you're saying is true then why are you spending so much time analyzing his reaction to your suggestion?

I thought I could save my marriage I don’t really want to be divorced nothing wrong with divorce but it’ll just highlight another failure in my life to name a few

1. miscarriage
2. starting a PhD then leaving when it gets tough
3. marriage thinking we are end game even really he’s probably sleeping with sex workers 4)my kids I’ve failed them by marrying someone who know doesn’t care about me enough to shame me so much so I can hardly look at myself.

Its clear you're in a sad place right now, and I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. None of the things you listed indicate that you have failed. They are sad, frustrating and unfortunate things.
You haven't spoken to your DH by the sounds of it, so you dont actually know yet whether he is cheating, let alone with sex workers. You dont tend to buy a £6k bracelet for a sex worker. I think your opinion might have been coloured by the whore/Madonna stuff earlier in the thread.
Please think about seeing the GP and either getting some talking therapy or even meds to help just now. You are blaming yourself for lots of things which indicates you might need a little help to feel better. You may also be ruminating on different things about your relationship and getting trapped in some circular thinking. Are you planning on speaking to your DH about any of this?

Thank you.

No I haven’t really spoken to my husband about this. I’ve told me a few times that I hate when he tells me to respect myself or tells me that I’m desperate etc for wanting to try something else during sex.

I think right now I’m in a really shitty place mentally but I know it’ll pass it’s not forever. There’s a lot going on that I haven’t posted but I’m considering counselling I need it I just keep putting it off

After Friday night things haven’t been the best between my husband and I haven’t had a chance to speak to him really about this stuff or how I’m feeling. I don’t really want to it won’t make a difference.

Well this thread is one hell of a drip feed.

Now we have some back story it's obvious that your marriage has been failing for some time and you've been trying to spice up your sex life to win him back from another woman who you are sure is in his life. It seems clear, unless there's more to tell, that the marriage is over.

I hope when the dust settles that you find yourself in a much better place.

And now the OW is a sex worker? It's all got pretty confusing.

The only failure in this is your husband. You are obviously an intelligent and caring woman (in a position to do a phd and your thoughts are for your children in this situation). You have the information you need now, do what is best for you and your children and move on. You deserve so much better than this and you will get it if you can find the strength to move forward.

Did his "puritanical" attitude towards sex with you arrive after you gave birth?

6k on a bracelet?
Keep careful note of all monies as in divorece he is draining his by spending like that.

I'm so sorry op, but your marriage is long over.
Get chdcked fof STI's.

Get legsl advice.
Get therapy for dupport.
Tell your friends and fsmily.
Take the support.

This is on him, not you.
You are blaming yourself for too much.
Stopping a PhD?
Lots of people stop them through being just too busy with life and family.
A miscarriage is NOT your fault either.
Divorce from a cheating piece of shit is NOT your failure either.

We are here for you.

6k on a bracelet is insane.
i was in a similar puritanical situation and it transpired he was a huge porn fan. It killed my confidence.
This sounds like another
woman if he’s buying stuff though.
if he’s so horrible and you’re pretty sure he’s cheating then you really need to stop destroying yourself in this relationship, stop offering yourself up as a sacrifice, get over him and in time find someone who will appreciate you and your sexuality.