Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

So how is a partner meant to talk about their fantasies and try different things to keep things varied? He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. But saying that wanting something different is equal to degrading her and calling her names for expressing her thoughts is dysfunctional thinking.

OP why won’t you answer the PPs’ question about what it was you asked him to do? It would make things a lot clearer and easier to advise you. If you just asked him to give it to you doggy style, he does sound like a prude. Does he watch porn?

Quite the drip feed. If he really used such language, why wasn’t it in the OP?

5 times a week is alot! However in another 2 or 3 years do you want to be still having vanilla sex? Nothing wrong with it but it sounds like you want more and you and him are not on the same page.

Youre going to end up resenting him possibly? Or you can or could just shut up and put up and carry on.

Of course they can suggest different things but you cannot expect a man or woman to do something in the bedroom and go along with a suggested act they are not comfortable with.

5 times a week is a lot, how do you manage that with kids? We are like ships in the night here though admittedly our lives are busier than most....
Whatever it was. He wasnt in to it, thats fine. Each to their own.

But he called her degrading names just for suggesting something different.

Jesus! He thinks that women who have sexual appetites are whores and degrade themselves? Wowee. It's one thing to not want to do something (no problem) but to judge his own wife in such a misogynistic way is appalling.

I would actually be really annoyed if my OH brought up a new position in a situation like this, after we had had a really nice night together. We usually talk about these things in advance, establish and rediscuss our boundaries, etc. I dont think you meant it like this but I would see it as manipulative to bring up this conversation after you've had a nice night together. It wouldn't sit right with me at all.

ETA his language was not ok, have a conversation about all of this when sex is off the table

Definitely talk to him about the language he used. Reassure him its fine to have things he likes and doesn't, but not to judge you and call you names when you suggest something new. Ask to set aside some time to talk about both your fantasies, that no kne has to do any of them, but there might be some shared ones you can try. But ultimately, a wife wanting intimacy with her husband can never be degrading, because you love and respect each other.

Well said!!!!

Sounds like a madonna/whore complex to me!

Did you suggest anal?

Bloody hell OP, his behaviour would clamp me rightly shut permanently.
Of course he could respectfully say thats not him.
No reason to degrade and humiliate you like that.
He sounds like a complete arsehole.
5 times a week wouldn't be happening anytime soon after the way he has spoken to you.
What a twat.

I think you should have a conversation with him about your sex life and areas you will like to improve or explore.

We went though dry spells where sex became a chore and I remember we watched quite a few YouTube videos talking about how to improve sex life and new things to try etc and we enjoyed it together.

This way we to both decided what we were comfortable trying and what we didn't want to try.

You haven't given much details on what your asked for or if your 5 times a week is just straight up missionary wam bam and move on.

His reaction might also be shame that maybe you don't think he satisfies you but as a married couple I would expect both of you to be able to discuss such issue without shutting down or shaming your spouse.my biggest issue is not that he didn't want to try, it's the way he shut it down angrily, a wife should be safe to speak about such things to her husband and vice versa. Is he religious or are there cultural aspects

And when you say 5 times a week is that 5 times or amazing sex where you both mutually enjoy it or 5 times or him just stuck it in vanilla till he finishes and rolls off?

You are absolutely right to be hurt by comments like that. He’s deliberately making you feel ashamed of your sexuality. If he doesn’t want to do something, that’s fine - he shouldn’t be doing anything he isn’t comfortable with - but implying that the things you want are disgusting and suggesting you’d have to be ‘a whore’ to enjoy them is absolutely awful. It’s a really misogynistic attitude towards women and their desires.

Is your husband very religious, by any chance?

Maybe the OP asked to be 'talked dirty to' or said 'treat me like a whore'..

You can't admonish the Hubie - when we don't know what was asked for

Calling you a whore for wanting to try a different sexual position is unacceptable.

A conversation needs to be had.

What a tosser.

It doesn’t matter what it was she suggested. He still doesn’t have the right to make her feel bad about it or to suggest that it was degrading or disgusting.

All he needed to do was say that whatever it was she suggested wasn’t something he was comfortable with.

I would have a chat outside of the bedroom. Explain how he makes you feel. I would also ask why he thinks certain things are degrading? I am guessing you weren’t asking him to urinate on you!!!! Of course he is allowed to say no and you clearly respect that. But there is no reason he has to upset you and make you ashamed for wanting to try new things sexually.

The OP says in her opening post that she simply suggested ‘a different position’.

Also, even if she did want to be talked dirty to, that still wouldn’t imply that she didn’t respect herself.

Yes quite, I'm afraid it is relevant what you asked. Although the "whore" comment sounds very off.

Also what does "he enjoyed the phone" mean in your first para? Completely irrelevant but I am confused!

NOT ok to say that or belittle you. Sorry OP. I hope you can have a conversation when things are calmed down (I mean him of course) and find out why he reacted so strongly.

It shouldn’t happen. But you know what else shouldn’t happen? A man shaming a woman and accusing her being degrading for suggesting ‘a different position’.

He doesn’t have to do things he doesn’t enjoy, but he clearly doesn’t care about her pleasure and her makes her feel awful for suggesting things.

Has nobody actually read the line in the post where the OP says it was simply ‘a different position’ she suggested that prompted him to accuse her of degrading herself?

Not a sex act. Not a kink.

A position.

There is no sexual position that degrades anyone. There’s nothing degrading about wanting sex in a position that gets you off.