Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

Without more context it’s hard to say if he is being unreasonable.

We're not going to find out what the thing is

Men have been the gatekeepers of women’s sexuality for centuries. Women’s sexual desire can be threatening for some (inadequate) men.
@BeNimblePeachDuck you haven’t done anything wrong. Wanting to try a new position is just that, wanting to try a new position. Sometimes a cheese sandwich is just a cheese sandwich.
Your husband’s reaction speaks volumes about him, he sounds insecure and misogynistic. Hold your head high, and give him his shame back.

I don't think you're giving us the full story...

You have sex up to 5 times a week so it can't be that bad, which implies whatever you said to him took him by surprise and was quite out of character for you and probably something that would freak most people out.

Sounds like you have totally freaked your husband out and come across like some nymphomaniac!!

People have kids and sex sometimes/often becomes more vanilla. Or not at all!

Massive back story here I think

Does your husband have a strict religious upbringing?

His choice of words seems to suggest that.

If so, then maybe you should have be been a little more subtle about how you sprung non-missionary sex (it's called missionary position for a reason! ) and role play on him.

Well if I'd had a lovely evening with my husband and he said ' let's do anal'' I've bought a butt plug I'd like you to peg me' I'd have been shocked and the mood would have died on the spot.If he'd suggested it the day before, as an option to try on valentines I'd have said no . Did you suggest something like that. If I'd suggested anal to my husband he'd have been revolted. Anything bumhole based an absolute no.

From the post I would assume this is vaginal sex and not anal? If so his reaction is quite odd. I would be very upset for example if I suggested going on top and DH suggested I was a whore for thinking about this.

@AngelinaFibres Would you say to your husband that you’re not a whore?
Op’s husband declining is not the problem here, it’s the slut shaming that’s the problem.

I hate the use of the word 'vanilla' as something disparaging. It's a good flavour! And there's nothing wrong with not wanting 'kink'.

(and yes we are never going to hear what the position is. This is very Barry and Sheila...)

I know, but I thought it was more of a Boomer-era and before kind of thing. I thought we were more enlightened these days. Such a surprise to realise that some younger men are still out of the Ark.

He wasn't calling her a whore directly, to be accurate. Not that what he said was in any way ok.

I wonder if it's something he watches a lot of in porn so associates with that?

He sounds like he wants a tradwife

Your husband's reaction is a very interesting insight into how he sees you, OP. I'm not surprised you feel upset. He tried to humiliate you and shame you for suggesting a sexual act/position. There was no need - he could have said, 'no, I don't fancy doing that.' Fine to say no, but not fine to humiliate you.

I assume he called you a whore and shamed you, then had sex with you the way he wanted? Seriously, OP, I don't think you're overreacting, at all. It sounds like you need an honest, sober conversation about this.

Hard to say without knowing what you’d asked? Doggy or wheelbarrow very normal. Bondage and S and M for example may be too far for some people. All depends.

Typo for food im assuming.

Op without knowing what you asked is dependant on my answer. However both are entitled to have opinions on sex and what kind of sex turns you on. Its going to need a conversation. 5 times a week is above average but if its 5 times a week always in same position then that to me, would be boring.

Hi op, i do understand his wording hurt your feelings but is this a case of you're his wife and he doesn't want to see you in a certain sexual light? I also dont think its ok to call him vanilla when you are offended at how he spoke to you. If a man was calling a woman this we would be outraged and whereas i do understand its not always the same in how we view these things when it comes to complaining about a man vs complaining about a women I honestly think you need to take this to your hubby and speak to him about how you felt in that moment and that hes your husband and its ok to try different things and that its not degrading you , if that's what his issue is. If his issue is related to him then you need to be respectful to him and find away for you both to be happy by talking things out at a separate time like another poster suggested.

Edited to say i just saw your last post about him calling you a whore which is completely unacceptable but your first post did not indicate any such convo had taken place, why did you leave this out but disclose it afterwards? You are complaining that hes vanilla as you put it but he called you a whore you should be more outraged at this to be honest.

OP I completely hear you.

My exH had Madonna/Whore Complex. It’s very common. He would only have missionary sex with the lights off, and if I wore nice underwear or asked to leave the lights on or change position he’d make me out to be some kind of filthy sexual deviant and made me feel ashamed and worthless. Please Google it and see if it resonates.

(As an aside, it turned out that he was swinging from the chandeliers with numerous OW, but he could never have done that with me because I was the ‘Madonna’).

This is quite an extreme reaction, I certainly wouldn't be happy if my DH had said this to me 😕 it's fine to say I'm not comfortable doing X (whatever it is) but to imply that there's something inherently wrong with you for suggesting it is unacceptable imo. Is it something you can discuss with him in the cold light of day when emotions aren't running so high? It might be that this has highlighted a fundamental difference of values and expectations between you that needs addressing.

I got the gist that most of the posters are acting like you’re a sex predator by wanting to try a different position with your husband. I get it. Don’t try and coerce someone into to doing something they don’t feel comfortable with. We are all onboard with that.

Moving that to one side I’m assuming you did used to be more adventurous sexually and since you became a wife and mother he decided to move you from whore to virgin which is annoying. You need to have a conversation with him outside the bedroom and hash out what has changed. It could well be his sexual desire, as the less turned on you are the less you’re inclined to be filthy in the bedroom.

If it’s bothering you it’s detrimental to the relationship and needs airing.

Sounds like he essentially shamed you for suggesting something new and that's not on. He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want, a simple ‘I’m not keen on that idea’ suffices.

One question though. Sex five times a week sounds like a decent amount (more than most long-term couples), but if these are straight-up shags where he's the main one getting pleasure from them, then that's less desirable. Is he considerate of your needs?

My best friend had a similar situation. When they first got together everything was great and both were open to exploring, gradually that changed to just my friend wanting to continue trying new things. Her then partner made her feel disgusting, wrong and like she was a weird person for wanting to re do some things they’d done. He’d buff her off and say she was acting desperate etc. Eventually she settled into the vanilla lifestyle and it was routine and regular. Suddenly he then wanted to try things again and she had to work through the feelings of it being wrong or disgusting. They did eventually split as it just wasn’t working xx

I cannot understand what could be shocking about a different position??? Are any positions shocking, are you just doing missionary 5 nights a week? I can understand other things may be shocking, but positions 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why can’t you say what is was op?

That's true

But what he actually said about it needs discussion

@BeNimblePeachDuck is your 5 x week a bit 'wham, bam, thank you ma'am'?
Is it mutual? Is it exactly the same every time?

If he said that to me, the five nights a week would grind to a complete halt over that remark!

What did you ask for??