Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

I think we're all curious what it is! 👀
I don't think he should have said "degrading his wife" as clearly you don't see it that way if you're the one asking for it. But I would just put it down to something he isn't into and move on to something else. It sounds like you have a very active and healthy sex life overall with him.

Madonna whore complex - my ex was like this. Turns out he was getting the interesting stuff from someone else, but didn’t respect her enough to actually have a relationship with her. I was the “suitable” partner but sex between us was boring.

Not suggesting your husband is cheating op - just pointing out that some men struggle with their wives being sexual.

We don't have full context to comment on the whore part. As said in a post above did the OP bring that word into the conversation first

Of course we can admonish the husband because regardless of what she asked for he shouldn't be calling her degrading names (including whore) and shaming her.

It’s impossible to say without knowing what you asked for.

He’s clearly had a strong reaction to whatever it was. It’s rather refreshing to read about a man that doesn’t want to degrade his wife considering how many men want to beat, strangle, and piss on women to get their jollies because they’ve seen it in porn.

My two thoughts at this point: it's completely irrelevant what the OP suggested they do. There's no sliding scale of sexual activity that someone should want to do/want to avoid.

Second, unless there is something lost in translation here, the OP's H called her a whore, which sounds like the tip of a troubling iceberg to me.

His language was choice, I suppose it was an instant reaction.

Sometimes you can do new things by introducing them subtly and gradually, so that they just happen.

I'm intrigued by what 'enjoyed the phone" means.

Oh yeah. That's definitely an over reaction. He could just have said he didn't fancy it. No need to disparage you. Have you discussed it again? Have you told him how you feel?

I think sone people are seeing the OP's predicament as one of How do I get my DH to try X during sex.
That's not the problem.
The real issue is the husband's refusal by saying, "I'm not doing to degrade my wife by doing that."and telling her, "You're not a whore" for suggesting it.
They've been together over 10 years and before kids they did have an experimental sex life together.

So what has happened?
Religion?
Does DH have a porn habit so he associates various sex acts with porn?
There has to be something.

No hands up - I admit I didn't clock that! Apologies, and completely agree with you. Position suggestion is a totally normal thing.
Personally I would usually bring up any new sex stuff outside of the bedroom just to avoid pressure/ruining the moment (eg, "I was thinking it would be fun if some time we tried X") but to be clear that is no excuse at all for his awful reaction.

Ok, that's not okay. Mentioning the word 'whore' as if you wanting to do that makes you one is really really not okay. I think you need to tell him how you feel rather than bottle it up.

@BeNimblePeachDuck I can't imagine a man turning me down for something. Im vanilla but love oral sex. on me hate giving it but reciprocate
I can't imagine what your issue was but I am intrigued!

I guessed it was an auto-correct and should have been "enjoyed the wine".

I do think he had an odd response. Moreover, I also think it's REALLY strange that he thinks you wearing nice lingerie is "silly". The fact that he showers afterward, in the context of these other two things, makes me think that he does have a Madonna/whore complex or is a bit misogynistic. As in, "nice" women like his wife are not sexual. The other possibility - sorry - is that he's having an affair and is getting his share of down-and-dirty sex already. Wife for best, affair partner for the dirty stuff. A physical expression of the Madonna/whore complex.

I'm especially alarmed by the fact that he doesn't think you're alluring in sexy lingerie and calls it "silly". The other possibility is that he's gay, because that is NOT a normal male response to his wife making the effort to wear lingerie. Princess Diana said that Charles told her she looked ridiculous when she wore sexy lingerie to spice up their marriage. And look how young and gorgeous and slender she was at that time. It was a sign that he didn't love her.

Gosh, the majority of men would love to have a wife who wants to wear nice lingerie and experiment in bed a little.

It all feels as if he likes to make you feel a bit small.

Edit: Does he like to give you oral, or does he turn his nose up at that?

5 times a week. You got nothing to worry about. Geez.
( what did you ask for?🤔)

Enjoyed the wine, were cackling in the restaurant and on top of that, had a few drinks afterwards in a bar.

Is it possible that you drank more than usual and/or more than he did which made your suggestion sound very bold and took him by surprise?

Maybe the alcohol had the exact opposite effect on him and his libido to the effect it had on you and yours.

I think your marriage sounds very healthy OP, as long as you talk calmly about how his choice of words in the moment, came across to you.

Using the word whore isn’t ok. You expressing that you’d like to try something different is. His reaction was bizarre. What did you want to do? Does he please you when you have sex or just worry about himself?

I don't think the frequency tells the whole story, though. It's not normal for a man to react to his wife wearing nice lingerie by calling it "silly". 😮 Then there's the fact that he called her a whore for suggesting a different position. He doesn't sound as if he has a healthy attitude towards sex or his wife.

It’s blatantly obvious from the fact that the OP is being so vague that what she wanted him to do was to dominate her in some way and I would bet my house that she wanted him to call her, or treat her like a hoar.

But OP put just enough emotive language “he said I wasn’t a hoar” in there that she knew people would take her side and paint him as the bastard. Not least because he’s a man.

If the situation was the other way around and a woman came on here saying her husband had accused her of being too vanilla and was upset she’d refused to do something the unanimous response would be LTB.

We’re obviously not getting the whole story here.

Just enough to make the OP look like the hard done-by victim.

People saying 5 times a week what your complaint.. 5 times of what sounds like boring sex for op. So dh is getting off 5 times but not op.

Agree with others that anything spicy it's best to bring up outside the bedroom but different positions isn't unusual enough to want to discuss before.

Calling you a whore/degrading yourself I'd suspect is either porn/manosphere/deep religion. You need to have a serous sit down conversation with him. It's a bigger issue that sex. Partners should feel able to say no to new suggestions but a woman showing a sexual side shouldn't be shamed especially by her partner

Can you please list the things it's ok for my partner to call me a disgusting whore for suggesting? I don't know where the line is.

Sounds like ball-emptying 5 times a week to me. What's degrading is a man shutting down anything he doesn't want and calling his wife 'silly' in lingerie!

Actually it's not blatantly obvious at all. I did not get that from this post one bit.