Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

Do you think it’s because of someone else ? I don’t understand why, why not just tell me you don’t love me anymore and go be with your mistress, we both move on and put our children first. I feel so low even too ashamed to bring up with my friends where do I even start.

You start by reading Why Does He Do That? Here’s a free PDF: https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Surely there is more to this.

How is he treating you around the house outside the bedroom? Do you have access to your own money? Can you go out by yourself whenever you want? Do you have friends?

mine didn't have an IRL mistress (that I know about, but its totally possible) his issue was with ladies of the internet, and that really warped his mind/other parts- actually that sentence is too passive, he had a life long addiction that I was oblivious to, but I was caught in a hellish no(wo)man's land- I was to be available to him, because wife duties, but not enjoy myself (ha) or risk falling into the whore-zone. Eyeroll.

If friends seem a bit too much for now (I get that, it was one of the last things I did) do you have any family you could at least say something vague to- I just said "I think the marriage is ending, he's not faithful" to begin with, and I told work (I had a good manager) that my marriage was ending so that they knew why I was a bit wobbly.

I obvs can't speak for your DH but vast majority of the time, if there is another man/woman/other the H prefers to "monkey branch" and will only make the leap when they are sure of another person to guarantee the sex-housekeeping-childcare golden triangle that they have on tap chez-married life.

its so hard to know what to suggest op, other than heading over to the relationships board, read the links in blue, and put your ducks in a quiet little row while you think/plan/figure out whats going on. I found MN a lifeline. Still do, still at ground zero, its been a couple of months

I have access to my own money, I can go out whenever I want and I do have friends quite a few that I’ve known since school. I’ll speak to my friends about my marriage I just don’t know where to begin I don’t know if he is cheating even if he’s not part of me is just kind of done I want my children to live in a happy household. He can have the house, I can buy my own house I’m not interested in arguing I don’t really care he clearly doesn’t love me if he’s willing to put me down that much and I’m not out to get him I just want to find myself again and have the confidence I once had.

see a solicitor x

Please OP see a solicitor.
You are sad and emotional.
Do not walk away from what you are entitled to.
He sounds vile.
Decent men do not use such language to the women they love.
He wouldn't be touching me again, that's for sure.
You need to speak to someone, how about a therapist if you are cagey about friends at this point?
If you have a spare bedroom, move in there.

Saying you are acting desperate for suggesting you wear nice lingerie is beyond the pale. How totally patronising! This is not normal, and I agree that something's wrong.

OP, I would gather yourself and practice some self-care for a few days, and then talk to him. Whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. Plenty of people have divorced spouses who make them feel awful and gone on to have further relationships that are what relationships should be.

Sending hugs xxx I can't imagine being sex-shamed by a spouse like this.

GP appointment might be a good idea - talk to them about what's going on, in as few words as "I think my marriage is over, I am feeling low in confidence" if you aren't sure where to begin. They can support with referrals to talking therapies, to screen for STIs if you think you need it, and can sign off work for a week if you need to recover from stress if things go that way. Start ringing round solicitors and just outlining where you stand roughly - it can sometimes take a few calls to find the right one x

That’s awful the way he’s spoken to you, is he like that outside of sex? Does he comment on what you wear etc generally?

I would not be having sex with him again after that.

You’re really focused on if there is someone else. I don’t think this indicates he is cheating no. But there is clearly something very wrong.

it seems you’ve a lot of sex, but missionary and he doesn’t want dressing up or other positions so he has very fixed ideas. He also dislikes the idea he is expected to have sex. He appears to think women who do anything other than missionary or wear lingerie are whores and desperate. That’s an extreme view.

you need to spend some time talking to each other, and try to get to the bottom of it.

if ir was me, I’d be thinking he’s spending a lot of time looking at porn, possibly paying for sex where he does stuff he doesn’t want to do wirh you and that’s why he reacts badly.

so if I was to guess, I’d say no no affair. Bur either porn and prostitution or looking at weird misogynistic incel stuff on line,

I think it’s a him problem- doggy and going on top are as vanillla as it comes isn’t it ?! Hardly scandalous and derogatory!

The way he speaks to you is completely unacceptable.

Honestly I think you would be so much happier without him dragging you down.

OP, sorry, I can tell you're upset obviously, but you're not being coherent at all. Where is the cheating and 'doesn't love you' come from? If you want meaningful opinions and advice then you need to be clearer about your thought process and what has led to it.

Thanks, I understand what you mean. I probably wasn’t clear. I do think he might be cheating I don’t have proof, but the way he’s treated me lately, the words he’s used and the way he shut me down on his birthday it all makes me feel like something is going on.
Even if he isn’t, the way he speaks to me makes me feel unloved maybe he’s grown out of love with me but I’m quite a reasonable person I wish he’d just tell me that and we can go out separate ways with our kids being our main priority.

I have access of his Amazon account I wasn’t snooping, I normally buy my sons stuff off amazon on his account and I noticed he’s bought some stuff that I guess was a gift to someone else lingerie etc I haven’t mentioned it him I’ve just left it kind of just put it all in the back of my mind.

he did also spend over £6k on a bracelet around December I didn’t think much of it then as it was Christmas time thought maybe it was for me but no never received it ! When he buys Christmas gifts for his mum/sisters I’m normally there and I normally help him so I don’t think it was for them. I assume it was for someone he might have been seeing I don’t know I didn’t even want to ask I think I’ve kind of checked out.

OK, so he's generally treating you badly lately, which is new for him and he's purchased lingerie online that wasn't for you. Correct?

If he bought lingerie, and didnt give it to you, then he is definitely cheating and you need to leave. Dont even think twice at this point. Take a screenshot, send it to yourself to remind you why you are doing this, see a solicitor, and make your plan. Dont let him say another bad thing about you and ruin your confidence anymore.

I am sorry OP. Buying lingerie and not for you is clearly a sign that he is up to no good. Just as a thought, check the size on the lingerie. Is he buying it for himself?

Ahaha at first I didn’t think oh maybe he’s into dressing up and didn’t want to tell me but nope not his size but my size so I assume it was a gift for someone, there was other stuff as well and his bank statements he’s been dining out a lot in nice places and buying nice gifts and we share our locations, just never cared enough to go and “catch him out” i am mostly checked out I thought we’ve been together so long that even if it’s not love anymore theres respect enough for him to tell me he wants out.

Honestly?

I'd be done with him.

How awful. i'm sorry someone who trusted could treat you so horribly

I'd be screenshotting his Amazon orders list.... bring it to the divorce solicitor when you finally make the appointment

OP your husband sounds really awful. The things he’s said to you are just horrible, completely unacceptable. It’s normal to try different positions in bed, and for most people it’s a lovely thing to be surprised by your wife on your birthday wearing lingerie. Even if it wasn’t what worked for him, there are absolutely no excuses for speaking to you in such a vile way when you’d tried to do something nice for him. He is crushing your confidence and behaving abusively.

From what you’ve said, it does sound like an affair. I know it’s impossible not to constantly ask yourself why all this is happening, but I think you need to focus on the fact that regardless of the reason, it is happening. You shouldn’t have to live like this, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. As others have said, do screenshot the evidence, but most importantly start working out how you’re going to get out of this relationship that’s making you so dreadfully unhappy.

I notice you've edited your post to add in that he spent £6k on a bracelet that you didnt receive too. Was that a typo? As in six thousand pounds on a bracelet you didnt receive, and that didn't make you worried? I am quite surprised that you were able to put the lingerie and bracelet to the back of your mind and carry on having sex with this guy! I think these are the things you need to be talking to him about, the sex position is a smaller piece of the puzzle.

I think I was hurt and I didn’t really want to show that I’m hurt I’ve been a mess recently. It was from his own money not the kids accounts or ours so I just left it at that. I assume it’s for the woman he’s seeing, just building evidence as I would like to end the marriage not with a fight I’m down as it is more so just so we can coparent and put our kids first I don’t want our children to get the brunt of it all

His comments are unacceptable. It’s fine that he doesn’t like your suggestions but to make you feel ashamed of them is a step too far.

The creativity ball (haha) is now firmly in his court, he needs to let you know which positions he’d be happy with. Buy a Kama Sutra book and ask him to look through and mark the positions - that align with respecting your marriage and he’d be happy to try.