Am I right to feel hurt over those comments ???

[BeNimblePeachDuck]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 42 and have two boys, 10 and 8. It’s half term this week, so they’ve been at his parents’ and we decided to have a night to ourselves on Friday. He booked a lovely restaurant, enjoyed the phone and we had a great time , we were cackling in the restaurant then we had a few drinks at a bar afterward, and then went home.

We’ve always had a great marriage I really love him, and I think we’ve always been quite “vanilla” in the bedroom. But I thought maybe we could try something different just this once. I suggested a different position instead thinking it might be fun to mix things up.
Instead of being open, he got upset and said he wasn’t going to “degrade his wife,” and asking what was wrong with me. I was shocked and didn’t really know what to say. We carried on, he kissed me on the forehead, went to shower, and then fell asleep.

I keep thinking about it and I feel hurt, confused, and embarrassed. I don’t want to overreact, but I also can’t shake it. I guess I just thought he’d be open to exploring a little, but he’s so closed off. I haven’t told any of my friends because I feel too ashamed. We have frequent sex sometimes 5 times a week and I’d like to try new things I feel confident in my body, my husband and I met at university and back then we explored each other we’d try new things all the time but now he is not interested at all I buy lingerie he says it’s silly, I say maybe we should try role play he says that’s stupid and he just wants me not this.

Is this just a middle aged man thing or should I be worried about my marriage

I think i'd get a bit bored of missionary (or whatever) 5 x per week!

Exactly my take!

He was more fun at uni because you weren't his wife! Now he expects you to wear ankle length floral dresses and lie on back five times a week while he enjoys himself. Anything else would be unseemely. You certainly shouldn't enjoy yourself or have any desires yourself.

Big. Fat. Misogynist.

Hoar? What's this, some sort of Elsa fetish?

OP said it was just a new position, though. But it would be helpful to know what.

I had thought he called her a whore, not that he said she wasn't a whore, but perhaps I misread. I'll go back and check.

Edit: Re-read and I remember now - he said that he wasn't going to treat his wife like a whore, and some mention of degrading.

It's a little hard to imagine what position could have caused such a reaction.

Probably not be called a whore by her own husband?? Just a thought.

Absolutely. No means no.

I had an ex partner who wanted to spit in my face during sex, would that count? I’ve seen lots of people talk about strangling during sex on here, maybe something like that?

Why does him not wanting to do it doggie style make you feel ashamed?

It sounds like you’re upset you’re not getting what you want and you’re turning it into him shaming you.

I'm willing to bet it was doggy and that he wants the little wifey on her back and passive.

.

You’ve gone from saying in your Op that he doesn’t want to degrade his wife to now him saying not a whore?

If that's true, then 🤮.

I think it's very hard to advise OP accurately without knowing what it is she suggested they do, so it's a pity that she won't tell us.

That's just wild to me in this day and age.

There are some married men who do want sex with their wives but struggle with their wives being sexual...

You couldn't make it up, could you. I'm so glad I'm single after a long marriage filled with nonsense.

I think it really depends what you wanted him to do.
His reaction was quite strong so I’m guessing it was something unusual?

So now, women that ask for certain things are disgusting whores?

It's most definitely NOT a "middle-aged man thing", it's a 'your husband thing' 🤷
You've just got someone who's a bit stale and not open to trying something new. His loss, which he's making your loss.
It's fine for him to not be into whatever it is you want to try, and it's fine for him to voice that, but it's disappointing for you, and you will probably want to think about whether or not you're happy to live with a vanilla sex life or not.

That should have been in the op. That is extreme and completely unacceptable of him. But posters wont see this before commenting so you wont get accurate opinions.

Do you orgasm with him? Is it good, just vanilla?

Anal?

I mean without knowing what you wanted to do, no one can really give you advice. What is vanilla to one person is yuk to another. His reaction wasn't acceptable however. BTW, it might be best to discuss prior to starting, especially if it is a bit 'out there'. It can be off putting for either party.

That’s a complete drip feed that feels like you did it as the answers didn’t go the way you wanted.

did you suggest anal?

What did you ask him to do? This is important.

not to be crude, but asking him to do a different position is very different to candle wax, whips and chains?!!!

All you can do is try to talk to him about these things outside of the bedroom so it’s not so reactive and in the moment.

I mean yeah it’s a well recognised thing - Madonna/Whore complex

Honestly it depends on what you suggested.

Because there wasn’t the usual leap to “what a bastard poor you op!!”