Very confused by what dh said

[Loopthepam]

Please help shed some light onto this situation because I am utterly at a loss and my head is hurting from trying to understand dh.

Me and DH have been having problems for a while now, mainly revolving around situations that are caused by his lack of consideration or thoughtfulness towards me. Yesterday was the final straw for me, when he passed me over a naff card and nothing else after I had planned a lovely birthday this year and a valentine's gift that wasn't big at all (under ten pounds) but had thought, meaning and love into it. He claimed he had ordered flowers that never got delivered. That was that. There was no incentive to go 5 minutes down the road to get me some flowers, or a small bar of chocolate. Just anything really. The rest of our day was spent arguing with so much tears on my end. After nearly a decade together and DC I'm just over feeling undervalued.

Today me and DH had another conversation following on from yesterday, where he claimed he just "doesn't have the skill set to be thoughtful" he said unlike me who it comes naturally too, he just genuinely lacks the ability and his head is always full of other things that aren't a priority (mostly work). He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve) it is actually baffling to me.

Here's what I don't get. Because I love DH, doing things for him and thinking of him isn't something I need to master, it just happens. I assumed if you love someone it was part of the package deal to just want to put them first. Dh, no matter how many times he says he will work on this, never seems to be able to. It's like he is almost slightly sociopathic because how can you just have a massive absence of thought towards someone you supposedly love.

He says he loves me and still does, that it is nothing personal and something he has always struggled with. Dh has lead a very selfish lifestyle before me, partying, drinking, no dependants, no worries, parents covered everything, no financial obligations. Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me? I always thought it was one and the same but maybe it's my bad for generalising and putting that on him. He isn't me and maybe he does love in his own way, or am I being gaslight majorly hard here?!

Words without action are manipulation.

People show love in different ways.
However.
He is not showing he loves you in any way.

The bedroom thing is really bad.

wow he sounds like a keeper not! The sex thing would be enough for me! 🤢

Perhaps time to leave your selfish rapist husband.

OK so when I was younger I used go through life not really thinking about these kind of things.
Someone would tell me something important was coming up in their lives, I would listen but I wouldnt give it another thought until the next time i see them (things like scary hospital appointments, anniversaries, moving home etc.)

I started to realise I should of messaged them on the days, sent cards etc to show that I care. So for a long time I made a note in my calender in my phone when to message people and would look at the calender on the first of the month to think about what was coming up that month and clock that I needed to do something.

He may well be the same as in he just doesn't think about it but he needs to realise thats not good enough and needs a plan in place to remember these things until it becomes embedded in him.

Another major thing he does that I find extremely selfish and drives me up the wall, is that whenever he does something wrong and hurts me he then begins to sulk/shutdown and goes into a self pity mode. Then it becomes a case of him stealing my thunder and suddenly I can't be sad anymore because he is and I get no resolve because he is too busy feeling sorry for himself.

People will make all kinds of excuses, but ultimately if he actually loved you, he'd want to make you feel loved, and that involves him doing things that make YOU feel loved, not him doing things that he thinks you should feel love from. These people can always try at work, on their hobbies, addictions, but never at the person they 'love' and honestly I dont believe anyone who says they love someone who only puts any effort into that love when they run into the risk of losing someone (and i think the majority of the time thats due to humanity's fear of change, and the instinct to cling to the comforting familiar, not because they love the other person as an individual)

Didn't see the sex and just taking from you contstantly post. I thought it was just thoughtfulness around birthdays etc.

In that case he doesn't deserve you...

I think that when someone repeatedly shows you who they are, at some point you have to draw the line. Your relationship obviously isn't making you happy.

Perhaps he genuinely does have psychopathic traits as that's what came into mind when I read the original post.

He doesn’t have the “skill set”? What?

OK but you MARRIED him. He lied on his application. That means you can terminate his contract without notice. Or at the least, return to a very extended probationary period.

”skill set” I’ve heard it all now

So at times I have been frustrated with my DH but we realised we have different 'love languages' Google it if you haven't heard of the idea. I have learned that he is not going to say he loves me without prompts. Nor is he going to notice and compliment outfits. However he does put effort into cooking for me, doing the chores he knows I hate etc. That is his way of telling me he loves me. I decided that I can accept it.

@Renamed I know! That one took me back as well.... I didn't realise thoughtfulness was something learnt but here we are!

He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve)

Well at least he was honest I guess. It’s too late now but for future reference men typically don’t change without some sort of cataclysmic event in their lives, and selfish men almost never change for any reason. Certainly not for children. If anything a selfish man will become worse when he becomes a father.

Selfish in the bedroom, doesn't think of me in the moment and has got ahead of himself and done things I didn't want for his own satisfaction

Vile. This is sexual assault.

You said it yourself: “slightly sociopathic.” No, he most likely doesn’t love you or not what a normal person would consider love. I don’t think people that display the traits that he has are really capable of loving someone in a normal way. You will have to decide if this is something that you are willing to tolerate and model for your children long term. It sounds like you would be better off and happier without him but I appreciate that there are many factors involved.

He isn’t going to change so what now?

Nope. He doesn't love you. He loves the comfort of what you provide for him. They start off like that at the beginning, or you wouldn't have stuck around. If he wanted to, he would. Even if it doesn't come naturally to him, you've told him what you want to feel loved and he's decided that your not worth the effort of trying. Doesn't take a genius to put a regular alarm in your calendar reminding you to buy some flowers/make you a nice meal/give a compliment for goodness sake. He doesn't want to. Why would he change? He's got exactly what he wants. And you stick around for it. If you try to leave, he'll pretend he's a changed man to get you to stick around. It won't last long.

Beyond all this, it sounds like he rapes you. So get out and don't look back.

He sounds like a total cunt, but if we're looking to pathologise it - is he like this with everyone, or just you? What are his relationships with his parents like? Does he have good friends, or is he unable to find people willing to put up with his shit?

Low empathy is possible. Either an avoidant or dismissive attachment style is also possible, due to childhood experiences.

Or he's just a selfish cunt.

@Loopthepam

You have more than enough reasons to end this marriage. Have you given that any thoughtful consideration?

He's literally told you that he's a selfish, inconsiderate git. He's not going to change because his primary concern will always be himself and what he wants. Do you really want to live with that the next 20, 30 40, even 50 years? I wouldn't.

He's not just selfish. Hes abusive.

I was going to say that Valentine's day is the one where you don't really need to think as such. You see dozens of men going through the tills of supermarkets with flowers and chocolates. You don't have to worry about whether your wife likes the choice, it's not like a birthday or Christmas where you have to put some effort in to get it right. Just minimal effort to buy exactly the same as all the other men on this occasion!
However, from your later posts it's obvious that this is the tip of a very big iceberg. Is there even a future there?

He's a selfish twat and justifying his behaviour by saying oh I have always been like that, which is just pathetic. So he's saying it's not my fault you are upset, it's your own fault because you know what I'm like. I would suggest he get his own place so he can happily please himself, by himself all the time.

How are you sexually attracted to such a man - child?

Of course you can still be sad - it’s your choice to switch your attention over to him - that technique though I’m sure is a dv tactic I’ve heard

Op, you really rather urgently need to do the Freedom Programme. It can be done online. You finding his sulking 'selfish' when it is actually specifically and knowingly done to shut you down and keep you in your place is a massive red flag.

Look, he is just a common or garden little arsehole who is getting away with being abusive because you are trying to understand him rather than looking at the horrible effect he is having on you. He is so, so common that the Freedom Programme could have used him as their archetype abusive little shit example. As you will discover when you do the course.

The really good news is, that once the scales start to fall from your eyes, you will not be able to unsee this for what it is. Your relationship is already over and it is just that you now need a bit of time to catch up with that fact.

If your flowers havent been ordered "in error", then he has gone out today and bought something to replace the flowers you ought to have received surely?.. ........

I dont think he has bothered, has he?

( Im sorry)