Very confused by what dh said

[Loopthepam]

Please help shed some light onto this situation because I am utterly at a loss and my head is hurting from trying to understand dh.

Me and DH have been having problems for a while now, mainly revolving around situations that are caused by his lack of consideration or thoughtfulness towards me. Yesterday was the final straw for me, when he passed me over a naff card and nothing else after I had planned a lovely birthday this year and a valentine's gift that wasn't big at all (under ten pounds) but had thought, meaning and love into it. He claimed he had ordered flowers that never got delivered. That was that. There was no incentive to go 5 minutes down the road to get me some flowers, or a small bar of chocolate. Just anything really. The rest of our day was spent arguing with so much tears on my end. After nearly a decade together and DC I'm just over feeling undervalued.

Today me and DH had another conversation following on from yesterday, where he claimed he just "doesn't have the skill set to be thoughtful" he said unlike me who it comes naturally too, he just genuinely lacks the ability and his head is always full of other things that aren't a priority (mostly work). He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve) it is actually baffling to me.

Here's what I don't get. Because I love DH, doing things for him and thinking of him isn't something I need to master, it just happens. I assumed if you love someone it was part of the package deal to just want to put them first. Dh, no matter how many times he says he will work on this, never seems to be able to. It's like he is almost slightly sociopathic because how can you just have a massive absence of thought towards someone you supposedly love.

He says he loves me and still does, that it is nothing personal and something he has always struggled with. Dh has lead a very selfish lifestyle before me, partying, drinking, no dependants, no worries, parents covered everything, no financial obligations. Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me? I always thought it was one and the same but maybe it's my bad for generalising and putting that on him. He isn't me and maybe he does love in his own way, or am I being gaslight majorly hard here?!

Off topic but did you ever read the making out book series as a teen @NinaGeiger

Sounds like he loves what you do for him, rather than loves you for yourself.

Has he ever voluntarily inconvenienced himself for you, put you first?

My auntie is married to a man exactly like this and it doesn't get better - even after raising a family and several 'ultimatums' they now basically just live separate lives. He's incredibly selfish and sulks / gives her the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way. He's controlling despite the fact that she's the one running the entire house, working ridiculous hours and doing everything for their children. She has no support or care, and the worst thing is that he's the same with his children - they have no relationship with him and no respect for him after seeing how little he cares for their mother.

Men like this want to control and sulk and pout, while their wives handle everything. They're comfortable letting you do all of the hard work while they get away with doing less than the bare minimum. They want to have the freedom of a single man, who doesn't have to consider others, but with the benefit of a wife to do all the heavy lifting.

He is not going to change.

He hasn't done it in the last ten years.

He hasn't done it recently, though you've been actively discussing it and have made it very clear how important it is to you.

It could very well be that he loves you in his own way, but he (for whatever reason) doesn't want to put any effort in. It could be that he doesn't naturally think of others, but if he wanted to he could learn to do that. It doesn't make his neglect of you right.

You either need to let it go, and accept that you won't have the relationship or the care/support that you want from a partner, or you need to leave him.

Bottom line is: if he wanted to do it, he'd have done it already.

You only get one life, and you deserve to have a partner who prioritises you - or even just bloody buys you chocolate occasionally!

Sorry, it's bollocks that he doesn't have the skillset. It truly is. If you were valued, he'd show it and not just on valentines day.

Yeah, sure, people like to put down the value of valentines days, birthdays, Xmas - some will even say that you're out of line or childish to value these, but, and here is the big but - they are of value to you. Hubby knows this and still doesn't do anything and that's the kicker.

He needs to consider you in everything, as you're supposed to be a team.

Yes we don’t know what unless the OP tells us

OP he is utterly manipulating you. He is perfectly capable of being considerate, because he was to start with (before you were trapped both emotionally and practically through pregnancy. To try to turn his failing into some kind of pathology/(ie suggesting he can’t be held to account for it) is utter drivel. To tell you to keep waiting (after years!) is a classic way to dismiss someone and keep them hoping for some elusive improvement… any time he thinks you are really losing patience he can do some little snippet to give you hope again), and making himself into the victim any time you are unhappy… again, manipulative. If his selfishness were only around trivial things then ok, we might excuse this- but he is riding roughshod over you for major decisions and worst of all, your sexual boundaries.

this guys is an absolute cunt and I hope you can find what you need internally to leave him. Xxx

We know he did sexual acts that she didn't want, that's sexual assault. We don't need to know specifically what.

You are in an abusive relationship and clearly don't realise it.
It also sounds as if he is sexually abusive?
Words mean nothing, actions count.

Wake up OP.
He's an abusive arsehole.

What are you on about? What more do you need to know, other than he is engaging in sexual activity that the OP doesn't want? Is that not the very definition of sexual assault?

She is not describing them - we need to leave that to her to disclose - it’s not for us to root around - we don’t know the circumstances

we don’t need to infantalise OP - she can speak for herself if she wants to

I'm not going to go into it becuase that is for OP to elaborate on

That divorce is going to “come from nowhere”… Love is a verb. His words are empty.

Op I am a narcissist, my DW "diagnosed" me a long time ago. Thinking about "others" is not my default position. But I also understand the world and like certain things. I like my clothes washed, I like sex, I like food, etc etc, this list goes on.
Therefore i understand the transaction's that are required for me to get all of the above. I have learned to do stuff, in order to get what I want in return. If I stopped then my DW would stop doing stuff for me.
I don't believe anyone who says they "they cannot think of someone else", they just can't be arsed, because there are no consequences of them not doing it.

Cutting through all of this..

It sounds miserable. He's promised to change but he hasn't....

In some ways whatever the reason.... I think you need to make difficult decisions about your future with him.

Personally I just couldn't live like this,

No, it's not your fault for believing him. You trusted what he had to say which is totally natural when we are in a relationship. He is one misleading - the fibber. Don't blame yourself for a single thing.

Ah, my OH does this at times, he's stepped it up a bit at the moment too because he's pretty stressed out with life stuff. Except it doesn't wash with me anymore, it just makes me angry and I feel like he's being selfish. I don't let the topic/problem drop either, I will talk to him, even if next day.

Sometimes all that's needed is 'sorry', not this manipulation. They don't get to treat you like poop then shut you down if you voice annoyance.

He says "I'm an emotionless twat"

You say: "Well I need an actual human for a husband, we best split up"

Either he changes (doubt it, it would be likely temporary) or you get to fly off and find a better man who loves you for who you are, not just what you are (aka the wife).

I don’t think you’re wrong. And my point is probably not clear enough - what I mean is that he is not doing enough, as if saying “but I do love you, despite my lack of effort”, is somehow enough. He’s not ‘doing’ love in the way that OP needs, nor has evolved to love in the way that’s needed for the relationship to thrive.

I think we’re on the same page :)

I'll say it again - what are you on about?
Nobody needs the OP to elaborate on anything!

No one else is jumping the gun like you - instead we are offering support and advice to change things - when OP wants to put what she said in context she can

OP was evasive - not for me to say

The valentines stuff is a bit of a red herring here. My husband and I don’t do valentines, we don’t do romantic gestures much really but we’re both comfortable with that. In that way we are compatible. You’re not compatible on this issue. But this isn’t even the actual issue. This is a fairly minor issue. The bigger issue is him making unilateral decisions without your input and being selfish in the bedroom. In a marriage you don’t make career decisions, or any big decisions, without discussions. These sort of decisions affect both of you and should be mutually decided. The bedroom stuff is even more concerning. You say he has got ahead of himself and done things you don’t want for his own satisfaction - this is actually very alarming.

@Loopthepam this is the main point that stands out to me. He’s sexually abusive towards you. Would you consider talking to a domestic abuse charity so that they can help you to leave?

I agree with @schoolsoutforeverhe sounds awful OP sorry x sounds like you have tried hard to communicate with him and he hasn’t reciprocate because he doesn’t want to or is quite selfish

Yes.

It’s easy to see what people do wrong, op, I suppose the question is do the things he does right. I think a lot of people wait for Valentine’s and birthdays to be a huge deal for them, and take this as showing how much someone loves them. I generally plan on doing ‘something’ (I never know what), then it gets to the day and I’m thinking ‘shit’ and either throw something together or not. I think I’d have panicked too (or maybe he did order the flowers). Dh goes all out and when we started having problems that was the first thing to be thrown at me. I said did all the cups of tea I made, all the time I said I love you, defrosted the car or collected you from the train station on a chilly night not show you enough?

As someone said the balls in your court, best of luck whichever way it goes