Very confused by what dh said

[Loopthepam]

Please help shed some light onto this situation because I am utterly at a loss and my head is hurting from trying to understand dh.

Me and DH have been having problems for a while now, mainly revolving around situations that are caused by his lack of consideration or thoughtfulness towards me. Yesterday was the final straw for me, when he passed me over a naff card and nothing else after I had planned a lovely birthday this year and a valentine's gift that wasn't big at all (under ten pounds) but had thought, meaning and love into it. He claimed he had ordered flowers that never got delivered. That was that. There was no incentive to go 5 minutes down the road to get me some flowers, or a small bar of chocolate. Just anything really. The rest of our day was spent arguing with so much tears on my end. After nearly a decade together and DC I'm just over feeling undervalued.

Today me and DH had another conversation following on from yesterday, where he claimed he just "doesn't have the skill set to be thoughtful" he said unlike me who it comes naturally too, he just genuinely lacks the ability and his head is always full of other things that aren't a priority (mostly work). He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve) it is actually baffling to me.

Here's what I don't get. Because I love DH, doing things for him and thinking of him isn't something I need to master, it just happens. I assumed if you love someone it was part of the package deal to just want to put them first. Dh, no matter how many times he says he will work on this, never seems to be able to. It's like he is almost slightly sociopathic because how can you just have a massive absence of thought towards someone you supposedly love.

He says he loves me and still does, that it is nothing personal and something he has always struggled with. Dh has lead a very selfish lifestyle before me, partying, drinking, no dependants, no worries, parents covered everything, no financial obligations. Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me? I always thought it was one and the same but maybe it's my bad for generalising and putting that on him. He isn't me and maybe he does love in his own way, or am I being gaslight majorly hard here?!

My dad was like this. Thoughtless, selfish, entitled. He left my mother 6 months after she had a heart attack that nearly killed her. He was annoyed that his wife appliance wasn't functioning. He saw her only once at hospital, and only because my sister forced him. He was irritated, pacing moodily, said 5 words to Mum. My Mum had a million tubes coming out of her and on her face as she watched him pace was an expression of fear that I will never forget.

Men.like this will use you up until there is nothing left. Then they'll hop to the next woman without a single qualm.

Op, he'll never be there for you when you need it. This is NOT a man to invest yourself in.

I got nothing. I expected nothing.

My partner made me cry by teasing me about my body - laughing as he mimicked the way I walked.

There were other digs he made throughout the day about my weight and letting myself go.

He is such a horrible piece of work.

That's truly awful, am sorry what your dad did to your family. I hope your mum made a full recovery and you guys all doing ok now.

If if doesn't come natural to him then he needs to make an effort! He knows these gestures mean a lot of you and it is just what you do for your wife to show some appreciation. He's a competent man who is able to work, so he's able to put a reminder in his phone if he needs to!!

Time to stop protecting him. Tell all your family, his family (especially his mother) and all your friends. Make sure HE’S embarrassed and humiliated. Make sure you tell them that HE’S made the choice and he won’t give her up. Your DH isn’t going to cope with the identity crisis this causes. He is attached to the good guy identity that includes being a faithful husband and a family man.

You’re expecting your husband to be a woman. He is a man and this is totally normal. So many people will disagree with me I’m sure but men and women are not the same, nor should we be. We think and show love differently. Does he do acts of service for you and your kids?

"Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me?"

I think people like this don't actually love you they love what you do for them. Love having you around because of how good you make their life. They are users. When you can no longer make their life better, they will leave you and find someone else.

There is nothing in what you've said of him that indicates he actually loves you.

So your husband does things sexually without your consent ie rape, he lies and is selfish with no attempt to change. YANU to stay with him. Know your worth and get out

I’m surprised half the women on mumsnet are even married the way they treat their husbands 🤣🤣 and their attitudes towards other men!!!

He is sexually and emotionally abusing you.
If he is claiming he’s not thoughtful or this is just the way he is, he is tying it to his identity and won’t change.
As for love languages? I’d be surprised if op comes back and says “oh he does so many nice things for me though”. He didn’t say “I thought I’d do this nice thing for you”. He lied. Pretended he’d ordered flowers then put the blame elsewhere. This is not a good person.

You could tell him “ok, if it doesn’t come naturally to you so make it a task that on Valentines, Mother's Day and on my birthday, you need to buy me a gift, just like I’ll buy you a gift. This is a relationship task, just like you have work tasks.”
If he cares about what’s important to you, he’ll take time to listen and act.
But sorry op, you do need to consider and question what is going on in this relationship because it’s abusive.

My ex husband was like this. I think some people are just inherently selfish. Signs were there early on and he never changed. Best thing I ever did was to eventually accept it wasn’t enough for me and I divorced him. Had a few nice years on my own and now with a new partner who is the opposite of selfish. The most thoughtful, kind and generous man. I would never be with someone selfish again it can really knock your confidence and self worth.
Get rid of him.

This.

He could change

But he won't, unless he wants to

Yup. I like this way of thinking.

Imagine if you werent together and he started seeing someone new.

Do you think he would be thoughtful with her? That's your answer

Respectfully, yes, I disagree with you. It’s not normal for anyone in a loving relationship to behave like this. I’ve cohabited with a number of men throughout my life and none was like this. My 95 year old neighbour treats his wife like a queen. Because he’s kind and loves her. So does my friend’s 25 yr old son with his new wife.

A certain type of man is like this and some women have scraped the bottom of the barrel and not thrown them back in. They put up with it and even excuse it. Like a boiled frog, they think emotional and sexual abuse from men is ‘normal’.

If this man consistently treated important clients at work in such an inconsiderate way, he’d be expected to develop his ‘skill set’ or be fired.

Well, you're being strange. Because you automatically think that informing the wife about career decisions and talking them through means that the wife is going to stop the husband doing anything, or the wives are in control?

You presumed the worst and you obviously think wives attitudes towards other men is bad.. Why? Is your marriage like this? Because whenever my OH has made career decisions, it's done together, same as mine, because that's normal. It also gave me the chance to cheer him on, prepare for interviews etc, supportive.

The OP should be included in life decisions which affect her and their child.

You're making excuses. Of course a man is capable of caring, being thoughtful. The certainly do it at the beginning of relationships don't they, esp when trying to get their end away!? I don't think there is anything in the male DNA that dictates that it ends after a short time period.

Selfishness is not a disability it is a choice.
I speak as someone with autism.
This man is a selfish twat.

Agree with PP, there isnt a shop anywhere that doesn't have a red heart shaped something or other, flowers, chocolates, he could have picked up for you. It's the easiest date on the calendar to show your partner some affection. And, he just didn't.
That in itself is saying something to you. It's a statement. And his excuses are also telling you something. Listen to him.

Then do something about it. 💐

Why is this better than being single?

I will never understand why women choose to be unhappy in a relationship over being single.

Exactly this!

Its like when I hear about men not showering or brushing their teeth for days and I always say if they were around a new attractive woman then they’d suddenly remember to do it.

I (gladly) cannot understand this either.

My mother, (and sister) think ‘stay married no matter what’s. And I mean all levels of abuse.

I keep thinking of Fiddler on the Roof ‘A husband is not to look at, a husband is to get’ like this is a reward just to have one.

It is beyond me.

What a crock of shite. He's just lazy and gets away without bothering. He clearly doesn't value you enough to put in effort... It takes someone to actually TRY which is why it is called effort!

So I believe him. Hes been spoilt and to him love looks like someone else fussing him, he doesn't think about the people he loves because hes not had to before.

However that carries you only so far. Because youve said to him I need those feelings backed up with action. He manages a to-do list with work home and hobbies so if it doesnt come natural to him why cant he plan it?