Very confused by what dh said

[Loopthepam]

Please help shed some light onto this situation because I am utterly at a loss and my head is hurting from trying to understand dh.

Me and DH have been having problems for a while now, mainly revolving around situations that are caused by his lack of consideration or thoughtfulness towards me. Yesterday was the final straw for me, when he passed me over a naff card and nothing else after I had planned a lovely birthday this year and a valentine's gift that wasn't big at all (under ten pounds) but had thought, meaning and love into it. He claimed he had ordered flowers that never got delivered. That was that. There was no incentive to go 5 minutes down the road to get me some flowers, or a small bar of chocolate. Just anything really. The rest of our day was spent arguing with so much tears on my end. After nearly a decade together and DC I'm just over feeling undervalued.

Today me and DH had another conversation following on from yesterday, where he claimed he just "doesn't have the skill set to be thoughtful" he said unlike me who it comes naturally too, he just genuinely lacks the ability and his head is always full of other things that aren't a priority (mostly work). He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve) it is actually baffling to me.

Here's what I don't get. Because I love DH, doing things for him and thinking of him isn't something I need to master, it just happens. I assumed if you love someone it was part of the package deal to just want to put them first. Dh, no matter how many times he says he will work on this, never seems to be able to. It's like he is almost slightly sociopathic because how can you just have a massive absence of thought towards someone you supposedly love.

He says he loves me and still does, that it is nothing personal and something he has always struggled with. Dh has lead a very selfish lifestyle before me, partying, drinking, no dependants, no worries, parents covered everything, no financial obligations. Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me? I always thought it was one and the same but maybe it's my bad for generalising and putting that on him. He isn't me and maybe he does love in his own way, or am I being gaslight majorly hard here?!

Well it sounds like he’s always been like this. You ignored the warning signs with some ambitious thought that he’d change 🤷‍♀️ he won’t so how much longer do you want to be in a relationship like this? These traits in a man make me queasy. The huffing and sulking is particularly unattractive. He sounds like a 12 year old.

Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me?

No. Sorry.

When you want your partner to be something they are not, it's time to end the relationship. You cannot change another person. If you are not happy with the person that they are, then why are you with them.

When things are difficult with a partner, we women tend to get all tangled up in thinking about and trying to understand/help/counsel them. And thus we forget about who we are and what we need, which is miserable. He won’t change. He doesn’t even sound motivated to try. So I would advise you to re-centre your life on what you need and what makes you light up and feel contented. Life is short. Why waste it feeling miserable and unappreciated?

Ah, so wittering on about 'love languages' to a woman who is being sexually assaulted by her husband is your idea of support and advice. And I'm the one who's infantilising her. Righty-ho.

Why should your husbands career decisions be agreed by you??
Surely his career is up to him??

Career decisions affect the whole family: work location, hours, money, annual leave, flexibility. Obviously major changes to those matter and likely need agreement from the other parent if there are dc, etc.
But the main issue is the he sounds not only selfish and thoughtless but also rapey. And not loving.

It's normal to run things by a partner, people tend to share ideas, thoughts and plans together when married. And it's very important to talk if it affects them.

Longer hours, moving nearer to a job, longer commute - whatever. Please don't make the OP at fault here, she's asking normal consideration.

A marriage is a legal contract and financially binding, all and any major life
decisions but should be at the very least discussed even if ultimately disagreed on.

Sounds like he’s learned what the bare minimum of things to say is to keep his bang maid and child minder. Sorry.

You say he lived a selfish life before you met, with his parents covering everything. Maybe he grew up thinking that his needs were all that mattered & the world revolved around him without him having to try. Human beings are selfish but also want connections with others. Usually we have to temper the selfishness in order to connect. Maybe he's learned he can have both?

🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
my career choice is my decision and so is his!
im not going to stop him from doing his dream job even if I don’t agree with him doing it!

Obviously not true but if he wasn't capable of thinking of thoughtful things, how come he apparently did think of getting you flowers?

He's completely gaslighting you. He's lying and the lies aren't even adding up.

got ahead of himself and done things I didn't want for his own satisfaction
You make it sound like he couldn't help it, as I'm sure that's what he told you
"Sorry babe, I just got ahead of myself and got caught up in the moment"

🚩 🚩 🚩
Absolutely not acceptable.

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

This 100%. Ball's in your court, OP.

He's making up nonsense. Of course he has 'the skill set' to do nice things for you, he just can't be bothered. He doesn't care if you are happy or not.

You're being strange.

It's okay to leave this pitiful specimen.

OP - Run for the hills!!....and don't look back

@Loopthepam you can’t change a person. You’ve two options 1) accept him for who he is 2) leave him. It’s not fair to stay and try and make him be someone he isn’t. You’re not wrong for wanting someone who put you first/thinks of you. Staying and hoping he’ll change will only bring more heartache. If you stay accept this is who he is.

YANBU about DH’s general lack of thought for you.

YABU about Valentine’s Day. It has been adopted by corporates as a consumerist scam.
Pick another day in the year, any day, discuss which day between the two of you and make it yours. Then you will have your own day to be kind to one another.

Regarding your wider relationship concerns, get some couples counselling before this becomes a relationship-ending thing.

He does sound as though he needs to be more considerate of your feelings.
You need to stop being so precious about things that do not matter in the bigger picture.

The only child tropes are utter bullshit and really offensive. I’m an only child and I’ve managed never to sexually assault anyone because I’m not a selfish, abusive cunt.

Jesus.

@Loopthepammy apologies.
Didn’t read your updates before posting.

I’m with others, LTB and fast.
The points that were the biggest red flags for me:

1. He changed as soon as you were pregnant.
2. Sex stuff without your consent - because you know what that is called, don’t you?

With that, in your next relationship please don’t put as much weight on Valentine’s Day as you currently are.
DH and I have our own day and it is brilliant, a happy secret between us.

I am someone who struggles to
show emotion and affection.

I really struggle with romance and buying thoughtful gifts etc doesn’t come naturally to me.

But I still manage to make a bloody effort and I manage to get people things that they like, even though it’s not something that comes very naturally.

If this was a general issue of you feeling undervalued then it would perhaps be different but for things like Valentine’s, birthdays, Christmas etc there is absolutely no excuse because they’re the same date every year and he is more than capable of buying you something or asking if you want to go for a meal/to the cinema.

I personally don’t celebrate valentines but he knows this is important to you and it literally takes a matter of minutes to go into Tesco and buy a box of chocolates.

I would make the same effort he does from now on.

Quite. Why would you expect men to change?