Very confused by what dh said

[Loopthepam]

Please help shed some light onto this situation because I am utterly at a loss and my head is hurting from trying to understand dh.

Me and DH have been having problems for a while now, mainly revolving around situations that are caused by his lack of consideration or thoughtfulness towards me. Yesterday was the final straw for me, when he passed me over a naff card and nothing else after I had planned a lovely birthday this year and a valentine's gift that wasn't big at all (under ten pounds) but had thought, meaning and love into it. He claimed he had ordered flowers that never got delivered. That was that. There was no incentive to go 5 minutes down the road to get me some flowers, or a small bar of chocolate. Just anything really. The rest of our day was spent arguing with so much tears on my end. After nearly a decade together and DC I'm just over feeling undervalued.

Today me and DH had another conversation following on from yesterday, where he claimed he just "doesn't have the skill set to be thoughtful" he said unlike me who it comes naturally too, he just genuinely lacks the ability and his head is always full of other things that aren't a priority (mostly work). He said he struggles to think of others and never has done (I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve) it is actually baffling to me.

Here's what I don't get. Because I love DH, doing things for him and thinking of him isn't something I need to master, it just happens. I assumed if you love someone it was part of the package deal to just want to put them first. Dh, no matter how many times he says he will work on this, never seems to be able to. It's like he is almost slightly sociopathic because how can you just have a massive absence of thought towards someone you supposedly love.

He says he loves me and still does, that it is nothing personal and something he has always struggled with. Dh has lead a very selfish lifestyle before me, partying, drinking, no dependants, no worries, parents covered everything, no financial obligations. Could it be true that he loves me but actually does just struggle to consider me? I always thought it was one and the same but maybe it's my bad for generalising and putting that on him. He isn't me and maybe he does love in his own way, or am I being gaslight majorly hard here?!

I'm going to push back against this because so often, women receive the narrative that marriages take work or are even 'hard work'.

Being in an intimate relationship with someone should add to someone's life and be a shelter, not be another workplace!

Of course there will be disagreements and ups & downs, but it's bad relationships that take work like this, and having to advocate for yourself all the time.

Also the whole 'love languages' thing is not some kind of hard science, but people talk about it as if it is. I don't think men spend half as much time pondering what their wives' love languages are like this. It seems to be mainly used by women to desperately try explain why their partner is just a bit shit, or is determined to disregard her needs.

OMG that’s exactly what my H does and you articulated it very well. I’d be very interested to hear others’ opinions on why men do this as IMO it’s very cruel.

This.

You seem to be saying he doesn’t understand what’s important to you aka your love language, but equally it sounds that you don’t understand his.

You assume he speaks love in the same way so should know what’s important to you, but you need to understand what is important to him too.

Once that penny drops and you have that conversation, things will likely make more sense. If you don’t like his language then thats your decision to decide if you need to find someone with the same language as you.

You may scoff at all the above, but from afar seems you don’t understand each other on that level. Try the love language online quiz, it helps to highlight where you both are so at least you can understand what underpins his thoughts/actions.

No it isn’t - lots of people use it as a a couple

I had the most fantastic loving relationship - I’ll always be glad I have experienced that

it was still F ing hard work - love is an action and takes work both sides - compromise is important - it doesn’t just happen ffs - especially a long lasting relationship

OP, sounds like you could love yourself better than he does. What’s the actual point of being with him?

My now husband was someone who partied a lot and lived quite a selfish lifestyle before we met, he had a good career and was a bit of a Jack the lad, it was a bit of an issue early on in our relationship that I didn’t feel overly considered or factored into his plans or decision making. I went so far as to change his name in my phone to ‘If he wanted to, he would’ as a reminder to me not to chase, over reach or tolerate BS.

It turned out having strong boundaries with him was the best thing I ever did, because he did want to and he’s consistently proved it and continued to prove it,

He’s never missed a valentines even after 7-8 years, still sends big bunches of florist flowers and gets personalised cards with photos and memories made, he paid for and planned a surprise baby shower with my best friend for me last year, he takes me on a surprise break away every year for my birthday. After a traumatic birth he took extra leave to be there for support and tonight he sat with me for 3 hours in the dark with our refluxy newborn taking turns to settle him and give me a little break between feeds. He never goes to the corner shop without bringing back a small surprise.

All this to say, whilst he’s not perfect, he chooses to step up and considers me in everything he does. Your fella’s excuses sound like a cop out, instead of trying to make it up to you today or making concerted efforts toccjsnge (program his calendar to remind him 2/3 days before events to sort something for you) he’s giving you a sub par reason why he will never step up or make the same efforts you do.

Sorry OP, I think he’s shit and you deserve better, it does exist.

I wouldn't know how to tell someone they DID deserve this.

Worth thinking about.

I love my husband so much, but i would have to work hard to remember things like anniversaries (and i forgot valentines day). People are different and you can't assume his actions can be translated the same way as yours.

However, if my husband told me that remembering things like this was important to him and made him feel loved then I would absolutrly prioritize putting in systems to make sure I remember.

first post nails it.

my husabnd is somewhat similar but not as bad. it did erode me over time

Why are you moaning about flowers when he basically rapes you?

Classic DARVO.

And sounds like wilful incompetence. If he was thoughtful when you first got together, then he’s certainly capable. Sounds like he just can’t be arsed. With modern technology, easy enough to send himself a reminder: “Do something special for Loopthepam”. And I’m sure he’s capable of thinking of others (customers/clients, directors, staff) at work?

IME, when they tell you: “This is just what I’m like” or “I’ve always been like that”, best to take them at their word and expect nothing to change. Which, tends to mean it’s best to move on. At least mentally and emotionally until you can do so physically, financially and practically.

And I say all this as someone who’s not a fan of Valentines. IMHO, performative nonsense. But if he knows it’d make you feel appreciated, a cheap yet thoughtful gift certainly isn’t beyond his capability.

If he’s thoughtless, unappreciative and selfish. Both in life and as a sexual partner, what’s the attraction?

Exactly!!!

as long as we get the romance it’s ok..it’s not!!!

Oh, love. He's not a nice person. He's also emotionally and sexually abusive at the very least, from your updates.

Start reading up on this shit (sadly as others have said, there's a whole script that these useless bastards follow). Perhaps think about counselling for yourself (NOT with him!!!) and really look after yourself and your own future. He is telling you repeatedly who he is and he is NOT good for you. Ugh.

I think it’s only some men. I’ve had a number of long-term, cohabiting relationships with men and none has sulked. They’ve always apologised or squashed it quite quickly. As have I. Humour helps.

Sulking is a form of coercive control. It’s fine to take some time to cool off after an argument or when it’s been difficult to hear how you’ve made someone feel. Or if you feel attacked or hurt. But then you either say sorry. Or park it and be pleasant. And discuss again maturely later.

Is he an only child and is he incredibly enmeshed with his parents? Also what is his parents relationship like?

He sounds pretty awful, if you want to make the relationship work, he needs to put in a lot of work. I’d suggest counselling at a minimum.

Jesus Christ almighty. 'Maybe he has a different love language'?
This creep is sexually assaulting his wife, that's his 'love language'.

OP - please contact Women's Aid or Rape Crisis. I don't think you realise the severity of what's been happening to you x

How does he get on in work?
Does he consider his boss s needs?
Can he prioritise work tasks?

We don’t know that from what she has said - she hasn’t defined what happens - it’s not for us to take control

That's not love in my world.

I think he's manipulating your head. He wouldn't tie himself in knots trying to understand you. And I'm so sorry he raped you if that is what happened. I think that was the time to leave.

You are not suited to each other: you are trying to force him to be who he isn't, or doesn't want to be; or maybe he lacks the ability to be outwardly emotionally expressive to you. The point is you are not satisfied.
Make a decision.

This is who he is, I’m afraid.

Can you live with it? What do you want to do?

He sounds awful. He obviously ‘thought’ about Valentine's Day if he got a naff card, he just couldn't be bothered to put any effort beyond the minimum.

Sounds like his effort is selective and self-serving and not compatible with a loving partnership. I sadly think you have two choices - acceptance or to walk away. He’ll not change and I think you know that.

This is literally what the OP said:

Selfish in the bedroom, doesn't think of me in the moment and has got ahead of himself and done things I didn't want for his own satisfaction

You can't change someone else's behaviour. They have to do that themselves.

But you can change yours. So ... what are you going to do?

I've heard this ten years ago and thought with time it would improve.

It's been 10 years. Nothing has changed. You seem deeply unhappy about the situation.

The ball's in your court.