My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

[Whataa]

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

Weird sentence construction which isn't exactly threatening but doesn't sound massively friendly either. Kinda like my ex starting every sentence with "make sure".
Why not say "could you please tell me which dates might be good for you".

@Catza tried that for weeks. Eventually I have to put a line in the sand and it ends up with an ‘if’ sentence

It’s not threatening.

Sounds like your h can’t get organised, you save dates, eg for holidays, then you have to change them because your h hasn’t tried to get the same dates off?

is this a regular problem in your lives? Sounds hella frustrating.

@thetinsoldier yes exactly. It’s shit as messes all our lives around

Does the "of" sentence help? Doesn't sound like it...

If it's really the "if" that's the problem try "We've got to settle the dates by next Monday or I'll need to change my holiday period"

So what solutions can you think of?

i imagine that if you leave it to him to organise dates before you book time off, nothing happens?

Could you and ds go away without him?

What’s the rest of your relationship like?

@Isittimeformynapyet he says that’s a threat too. Anything where I’m ‘cancelling’ anything

It isn’t threatening but it is an ultimatum and confrontational approach. He isn’t helping at all and I get you are frustrated but I certainly wouldn’t be responding well if I was spoken to that way.

Can you say "in the situation where we haven't organised it, I would need to..."

I'm joking tbh, as I would not accept his nonsense. Use of the word "if" is not a threat. "If they don't have any ham, can you get cheese instead?"

So don't cancel anything. Book the dates, book the holidays if he doesn't get organised then surely he's the one who either scrambles last minute or sits the holiday out.

Just tell him the dares. If he doesn’t book his time off, then don’t book with him, just you and ds.

OK. Well screw him then. Like pp said, go on holiday without him - that wouldn't be a threat.

"The lack of booked holiday has caused me to xyz"
"The consequences of not having a holiday booked is that I need to... "

Most peopl understand cause and effect by the age of about 5 - does he need help with this?

His argument would hold up if it was the first conversation you'd had about it but if you're having to have these conversations repeatedly and he still doesn't do what he needs to then I think you have little choice but to hammer it home to him.

It’s not threatening FGS. You’re spelling out fairly plainly and unemotionally what will happen if plans aren’t finalised.

The thing is, he doesn’t care, because the consequences all fall on you.

And so he decides to go on the offensive about your tone and responds in a thin-skinned, petulant way to backfoot you and try to make you apologise and grovel rather than just cracking on and booking the fucking holiday like a grown-up.

They’re conversations that go on for weeks. If i have a boundary he calls me threatening. Which I find very hurtful.

So if someone repeatedly asked you to sorry something out for weeks on end so that a holiday can be booked and you hadn't done it you'd find the sentence in the op unacceptable?

Pp asked what the rest of the relationship is like. Is he a twat in other areas?

Yes

Naaah don't put up with this.

He sounds like a mountain of hard work. I could not, would not be fucked.

But that would make you unreasonable. Why would you want to be unreasonable?

Hey @Whataadoes your partner have demand avoidance, ODD or ADHD? Planning and pressure to commit to dates/times can cause anxiety as part of these conditions. If he has any of the above your ‘if’ statements could be quite triggering (obviously unintentionally on your part).

Because it winds people up on MN