My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

[Whataa]

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

ah sorry I misread your post.
i imagine though, that op just saying ‘if’ isn’t the only thing he complains about. He sounds like a very selfish, manipulative, passive aggressive, gaslighting, childish twat. I’d definitely be rethinking my relationship with him. I agree with the just doing it method rather than consulting her DH or trying to get him to commit to something but it makes me wonder if maybe just saying ‘if’ to him isn’t the only thing he shuts op down about. He sounds unbearable.

This sounds pretty hard to manage. If this is the only problem and you just want ideas to solve it, then one approach might be (and this is really treating him like a child) to phrase it as two options so he feels more like he's making an informed joint decision rather than responding to a deadline. So, "here are our options, we get this booked now and keep the original dates, or we take more time and change the dates to the next set work will approve".

He needs a diaper change

Why does everybody have to have a condition ???
Could it possibly be just that’s his an idiot, & he’s deflecting from his disorganisation with bullshit of he finds “ if “ & “I’m cancelling “ threatening!
Like WTAF !

I would suggest that he views the potential consequences of his lack of action as a threat from you, because you can and should be preventing those negative things happening by doing everything yourself, to his mind. He sounds like a child and totally insufferable.

Sure does

It's still an "if .. then" statement though.

I can't imagine approaching my DH with a statement like that tbh (too convoluted). I would simply say, "we need to get xyz sorted, what are we doing about it?" and progress to resolution from there.

But I don't think the problem here is really in sentence construction, is it.

Fine. Don't 'threaten' him then.

Just say 'The holiday is booked for x date to x date.'

Then it's up to you whether you remind him about it at all. He can just be a no show in the event that he's kicked off about it or something else in the meantime - you'll still get the holiday.

Although, tbh, I'd be sorely tempted to bypass the 'if' and go straight to 'I'm tired of all this 'oh, the scary lady's threatening me' bollocks. I want a divorce. Nope, no if about it, no 'threat', I'm done' as nobody should have to live in an environment when two letters kicks off an immediate 'YOU'RE THREATENING ME'.

When I disagree with mine, he says I’m shouting at him

I have done the old, that’s not shouting, THIS IS SHOUTING ( honestly I was so tired of being accused of shouting, so I did )

Still insists I am shouting though, when I disagree with him.

Are you?

It’s also possible that he does have a condition and that makes him exceptionally difficult to deal with because he‘s rigid and disorganised and perpetually defensive and argumentative, not to mention threatened/triggered by the expectation to consider anyone’s needs or convenience apart from his own, with no insight into his impact on others or why he should care. This is par for the course for - not all, but - a large proportion of adult autistic males.

That doesn’t mean that women should be expected to fall in and design their lives around not triggering these men - but it does mean that there’s just no point hoping that any amount of tough love or standing your ground or earnest chats about respect and boundaries and communication styles will change anything.

So the partner of such a man has few choices:

(1) abandon her own needs and identity, along with any hope she ever had for a genuine partnership, and accept a role as an acknowledged carer and PA who is considered at best a bit of a nuisance - if she’s thought of at all

(2) accept that the price of her holding on to some boundaries and autonomy will be consistently high levels of conflict in the relationship

(3) end the relationship (and drag her STBX kicking and screaming through the practical and administrative processes involved because he is too stubborn / disorganised / embittered / dysregulated to cooperate)

Guess OP's dh has found this thread.

This is just a simple deflection technique.

Let's not talk about how my inaction is going to lead to an outcome which is both inconvenient and frustating for you. Let's talk about how my feelings are hurt by small detail of the way you phrased your statement of fact.

He doesn't care about what you are saying. He doesn't care about what you are feeling. He is only focused on his own feelings.

Honestly I don't know why you want to lead your life like this.

🤦‍♀️

@Missj25You could be right. He could very well be abusive. I don’t know the guy! I certainly don’t want to get into a bun fight. I merely presented a possibility to the OP.
Executive dysfunction, time blindness, overwhelm around perceived expectations and anxiety about committing can make scheduling things like holidays feel disproportionately stressful for those who have the conditions I mentioned. I know it’s hard to get your head around if you neurotypical. Avoidance can become a coping strategy rather than a power move.
I’m sorry you feel like “everyone has a condition” these days. But that is because more people are being identified and diagnosed than in the past, especially adults who were missed as children. That doesn’t mean things like ODD are suddenly universal it just means there’s better awareness.

Strange. I just organise everything and inform DH of the dates. We'd never do anything otherwise. Can't imagine asking him!

Well that seems ‘strange’ to me, like you’re dealing with a child rather than an adult! DH and I plan holidays etc together.

That's nice for you. I was making a half humorous comment. But I'm glad you enjoy judging everyone else.

You said the OP was strange, I said you were strange (in my opinion). So… equal!

Really sympathise. He sounds like a total bell end.

thing is, it’s highly unlikely he will change, he doesn’t see an issue and his attitude is awful.

out yourself ten years into the future. Do you still want to be dealing with this nonsense?

See, my guess is that he's one of those guys who doesn't want to go on a family holiday as then he'll have no escape from the parenting that the OP will very reasonably expect to share with him. For that same reason, he'll probably be fine with her booking just for her and their child, as that leaves him free to stay home and slob about to his heart's content. Win win.

No easy answer to this OP but personally I'd suggest exploring the idea of a holiday with friends who are single parents, or with family, if you're daunted by going alone and would like to share the load a bit. That and ditching this whiny manchild.

Lol, see I’m not the only one who’s done the ‘This is shouting’! demonstration.

These days, I tend to say: ‘I hear you. But, guess what, women don’t have to agree with men. So, suggest we agree to disagree’.

Greetings original commenter
I'm sorry to hear your partner takes you wrongly, or is trying to make you feel you seem like you're making threats 🫂
From your example you most surely don't seem unreasonable whatsoever
God Bless You 💚
To me it seems more like he's most likely, being reluctant to follow through on some responsibilities, which he either, can't be bothered to do, or feels guilty for forgetting to finish, so he diverts /projects his feelings onto you
I'm praying he commences to see the light soon & stops reframing everything as you being unreasonable or threatening
Wishing you all the utmost very best 💚

I’d say it’s more passive aggressive than threatening….

I'd give him a timeframe eg "these are the holiday dates available to me, can you decide when you want to go/see if you can take time off on any of those dates. I'll be booking something not this weekend but the one after. I just need to know if you're coming too or if it's just me and the kids. I'm thinking Spain or Greece, which would you prefer if you come?"