My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

[Whataa]

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

It doesn’t sound like you have kids, I’d call it a day. Phrased like no one should have to be in a threatening relationship, you tell me clearly you think you are so I am going to release you, and I’m going to look for someone who can hold a conversation about plans without being triggered.

re: the holiday - just book for you and your DC after maybe 2 discussions.

HOWEVER the gaslighting of calling you threatening, refusing to accept his part in all this, the lack of accountability for his delays in getting back to you know that your DS is also impacted …..these are much more serious issues for me.

He seems unable to understand that his actions ( or inaction ) have logical consequences.

or he expect to do as he likes and have someone else deal with the consequences for him.

No wonder you are frustrated at his unwillingness to take accountability like an adult .

My reply would be
its not a threat it’s an unavoidable consequence you dick.

Omg yes you're right! I've asked mn to delete it. Always wondered how pp managed to post on the wrong thread and now I know.

Does this loosely translate to unwilling to put the work in himself, but unwilling to give you what you need to get a job done? So nothing gets organised either way.

Newly fascinated by the mention of demand avoidance... I'd only heard it mentioned in relationship to children and only recently thought what happens when those kids grow up and they don't have a 1:1 TA tailoring every request to try not and set them off (a friend was describing her job).

Are people with this really cut out for marriage and the responsibility of co-parenting? Is there anyone on this thread who could attest to that? If you have to pander to a spouse like a child it sounds like a quick way to kill the relationship.

And how do you know when it's just abuse? Does there need to be an autism/adhd diagnosis alongside? I feel like there are so many instances of abuse and controlling behaviour that could be "explained" by such diagnoses, but does that really lessen the impact on loved ones?

It just sounds so hard OP.

In the example you gave, when is the proposed holiday meant to take place? What is the time frame here?

He needs one more 'if'
If you you don't book by x date, me and children will be going alone 😅

Your DH sounds meloramatic..it's not threatening.

Obviously she would have tried that!

OK so you know why he does it.

It's meant to be hurtful.

To get you to put up and shut up.

Why wpuld you want to stay with soneone who pulls that bs?

The whole point of a partner is to have a nice person in your life for company.

This is just some knob who is straight up contentious of you. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Can you imagine growing old with this bullshit? Cause it doesn't get any better.

So what would help?. It sounds like you do the same thing her partner does.

It's very passive-aggressive.

She has tried to be nice for several weeks as he hasn't sone it. Eventually ahe has to let him know the consequences of his actions. I think she should leave him for her own sanity. Or just not bother adding him to holidays.

So the the ends up wasted and he still blames her for it?. So saying "if" is wrong but booking a holiday that she knows he hasn't booked days off for isn't?

Well, if he can’t get organised, he’s going to have to make decisions. And if he doesn’t like that, he should be more organised.

How the hell did you manage to get married, OP?

For that matter, how did he cope with your son's failure to await his approval before being born??

You may have missed the point slightly. IF OP doesn't 'nag' or 'threaten' him, she expects him to co-ordinate his leave like a grown-up. IF he fails, he doesn't get to go on the family holiday. Natural consequence 🙂

Maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man child ? It sounds as if this bullying tactic of his affects your relationship in general.
Does he have any good points ?

I’d try saying ‘you’re dumped’

How do you have the patience to put up with this shit? Honestly…

If you’re not quite at the dumping stage , just stop asking for his input. You tell him when and how things are happening. If he organises himself and he’s there , great. If not, you go ahead with your plans. No nagging, reminders or “threats”.

Exactly this!

It sounds to me as though he is controlling situations by doing nothing. For example, he doesn’t want to go on holiday so he makes sure none of you do. What a twat.

The nice version is that you are triggering some primal wound here and he reacts badly.

Alternatively he’s just a cunt who doesn’t want to hear how his refusal to engage causes real life hassle for others. He expects you to operate on the timetable convenient to him.

Can he talk about it at all when things are calm? What would happen If you said “I hear that if statements are very threatening to you, can we talk about a way where I can give you the information in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack.”

Why wasted? She can go on holiday with kids. What do you think is preferable in this scenario? Weeks of OP running around moving dates to suit him, chopping and changing or her asking once then giving dates and letting him be an adult and experience consequences of his inactions? The answer seems clear to me.