My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

[Whataa]

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

How can you live with this infantile total jeb end?

He’ll be an ‘amazing dad!’

Same, it’s the dynamic behind it where they’re not in it together, it’s not neutral discussion

Thing is you see it as a statement of fact. He sees it as you’re threatening to cancel the dates if he doesn’t do it. Both are likely accurate.

So the mention of PDA makes me think we always give children two choices, so can this work with your husband (although this actually sounds more threatening to an extent) - can you please make sure you have booked dates x-y off work for us all to go on holiday, or we will go on our own.

It sounds to me like he's doing it deliberately. It's a very passive aggressive way of trying to control you.

He doesn't want to do it but won't say that, or talk about it like a grown up. So he just doesn't do it. Does he also claim he 'forgot' a lot? Then he can turn it all back on you, like you're the problem.

It won't get better, it's how he is. You just need to decide whether to put up with it or not.

YANBU but it’s not going to change unless he addresses it. Would he be up for counselling?

Start telling him you aren’t going to threaten him anymore and you will tell him what you have booked and he has the option of doing. The same

and then mention it again

I can’t believe I’m reading this. You aren’t allowed to use the word if???? Have you told your DH he’s ridiculously controlling???
And he’s impacting your life with his ineptitude and you aren’t allowed to confront him on that???
Yes i’ll say it - LTB

"Threatening" is a strong word here given the low stakes, but you're putting an ultimatum so I guess technically he is right.

I'm not sure I fully understand the context, you've been nagging to do something regarding the holiday, but why can't you book it yourself? Why would you need to cancel?
The only circumstances I can think of where you would need to cancel the dates is if you've booked your time off and he hasn't. But it's not clear if that the case.

Why are you in a relationship with a child?

He's policing your speech. Is eh controlling in other ways? Because that's a pretty big red flag.

I was in a relationship once like this. It got to the point where i couldn't talk without double guessing myself and thinking about what i would say and how. Even then I didnt get it right because he would change the rules arbitrarily and it always ended up my fault.

It's abuse.

He just doesn't want to deal with it so he's trying to make you stop doing it by saying this. I don't know why you'd find it hurtful, you know what your intention is, and really it doesn't matter what he thinks it is. The point is, you should never be getting to this point because he should be respectful of your time and need for an answer. I'd tell him he needs to listen and respond so that you never need to get to a point where things are about to fall apart and you have to tell him about it. A threat would surely be - do this or I'm leaving you. If he keeps behaving so childishly maybe thats what you should be saying!

That's not a boundary, because you are trying to control someone else's behaviour. And he is trying to control yours with his anti-if stance and refusal to co-operate. He's thus putting you in a double-bind where if you make a request he is 'threatened', and if you cancel anything he is upset too.

Boundaries do not rely on the other person, they are a line between what you accept in your life and what you don't.

So if you are done with his shillly-shallying on an issue, a boundary would be, 'on Friday, 'I'm booking the holiday for x, y, z date, so make sure you've booked annual leave if you want to come too.'

Then follow through. It will probably be the end of your relationship, one way or the other, but I'd have 'iffed' him off long ago.

Whether you decide to embrace the tautological challenge is one for you. I wouldn’t, I would also get precise. Cancelling a holiday where one person can’t make it, is not a threat. It is not a hostile action, it’s simply an unavoidable consequence.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to live my life like this. With someone being obstructive and then having the audacity to scream ‘you’re threatening me’ when you point out the problem. He’s the thief of joy.

He needs to get a grip. What a petty idiot. Being disorganised and shit and then blaming you. Ugh.

I’d be inclined to say that I’m going to be booking the holiday next week. Say ‘Please will you let me know by next if you will be joining us’.
If he doesn’t let you know then just book for you and dc.
I did this with my dh once a long time ago and he ended up booking his own flight a day later ( no flights on our day left) as I wouldn’t wait for him to make up his mind if he could come or not. He is still quite indecisive but if I say then I’ll go on my own it soon focusses him.

Relationships filled with conversations/arguments that leave you not knowing if you're up or down destroy your mental health over time. Imagine if you just didn't have to engage with any of his convoluted nonsense, instead of having to perform mental gymnastics to try to figure out what the problem is this time so you can appease him.

@Canitgetbetter Are people with this really cut out for marriage and the responsibility of co-parenting? Is there anyone on this thread who could attest to that? If you have to pander to a spouse like a child it sounds like a quick way to kill the relationship.

No, they are not cut out for either roles.
Tbh, mine is diagnosed ADHD and I now know he would also be diagnosed with autism. This was my life with him. In the end I literally had to flee the home. He became increasingly unhinged. He now blames me for the divorce he initiated.

Look out for one tell tale: does he ever take responsibility for any negative consequences of his actions or inactions. If it’s a no( no pun intended) then you are on a hiding to nothing.

What is this dynamic showing your DS?

I think own it. It is a threat 🤷‍♀️ Or the more grown up way of saying it is outlining the consequences of his lack of action.

It's NOT unavoidable though. Nothing stopping her going. Why would she have to cancel as I assume she had had the sense to book her own AL

Christ I couldn’t live like this. 💐

This whole thing is just weird!

It's a very unattractive trait and not sometimes I'd put up with, especially someone accusing you of being abusive when you're actually trying to be decisive.

My DH puts things off. I have said "I'm taking the kids on holiday X week to this place. Let me know by X date if you want to come as I need to book it". I then give him the info and he decides. He is not keen on travel so I tend to go with me and the kids.

what a gaslighting man-baby. No it absolutely is not a threat to say that we need to do x, otherwise Y will follow. That's consequence.