My head is spinning. Am I in the wrong here or is he?!

[Whataa]

If I say to DP anything with the word ‘if’ in it, he says im threatening him.

Examples are, i’ll say ‘if we can’t organise the holiday asap then i will need to move the dates for work and we’ll have to cancel these suggested dates.’

the context is always dp dragging his feet with something and causing a knock on effect of stress in my life and for DS as nothing is organised. Is it threatening for me to say this in response?

Don't get hurt OP get angry.

he sounds like a toddler. You give him ample time to get involved in organising the holiday and he loses track of time or just doesn't feel bothered about going away. Then guilt trips you when you try to discuss the matter.

so he's selfish and childlike, and possibly manipulative and controlling not good traits for a partner.

how is your relationship generally? Could you get along fine without him? What does he add to your life?

Just wondering, the dragging of his feet, does it normally have any consequences for him, or is it just you and DC suffering, cancelling and re-organizing?
Tell him 'I need to book the holiday we discussed by X date. Please let me know if you have your holiday approved by X-1. As I can't reserve the trip without you having the holiday approval, I will need to book on day X for me and kids.'

This sort of conversation is only happening after OP's partner has had plenty of time to sort whatever it is out and knows the deadlines anyway but is still doing nothing. If you were in that situation, and would regard being given a final reminder as confrontational, how could your partner communicate to you the simple fact that, if you don't do X soon, then Y won't be possible?

I agree it appears pass agg. And disrespectful. Enough to drive anyone insane.

What does he do at work when dates have to be agreed, e.g. for deadlines or project plans? Surely, people at work would say something similar: ‘If you can’t confirm the dates, I’ll have to cancel’. Or if his friends are organising something: ‘Let me know by Friday if you can make it. If not, I’ll ask John instead’. Sometimes, men are perfectly capable of organising things in a work setting but then claim it’s too difficult in their personal life.

It’s definitely not threatening to use ‘if’. It’s openly communicating the way forward you plan to take “if” someone doesn’t confirm by a certain date.

I’d be booking a holiday with a friend instead. If he wants to go on holiday with you, he can organise it. And no doubt you’ll be quicker to respond.

It all sounds exhausting, to be honest. Tell him you will stop reminding him. If you've told him once what information you need in order to book the holiday or whatever, you won't remind him again but will just carry on to book it without him.

He sounds hard work 😲

It sounds to me like he's doing it deliberately. It's a very passive aggressive way of trying to control you.

yes, I'm thinking that too. either he doesn't want to do it and doesn't want to discuss it like an adult. Or he just enjoys the attention and that entire family's plans are on hold while the king of the castle decides if he can be bothered.

I suggest you start going on your own with your DC, or with a friend/family instead on these holidays. Instead of waiting for someone dragging their feet

Maybe he will get the message then. And if not, you at least will have gone on your holiday.

"it's not a threat it's a fact" and walk away. God why are your standards so low this is your life? Is it not exhausting?

Well I’d find your behaviour unacceptable and wouldn’t tolerate it, so I guess we’d be even.

It's not threatening. But sounds like you've laid down the line and are fed up. I'd be fed up too if lived with someone who can't organise anything. In fact, if it was turned around on me like that then I would probably start liking them a whole lot less. My partner can be like this sometimes, blames his lack of memory, for which I am understanding. Funny though when it's something he really wants to do he remembers and is organised just fine.

We shouldn't have to mollycoddle our partners to do basic things when they are adults. It's unreasonable.

So basically it's the age-old issue of a man needing to be told what to do but objecting to being told what to do because it's 'nagging'. YANBU.

He construes “if” as threatening? Time to leave.

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense.

In a nutshell!

How does he want you to phrase it? As if he just organised himself, doesn’t sound like you’d need to say anything at all. I’d tell him that his lack or sorting his shit out means you feel like his mother.

He needs to get his head out of his arse and actually organise the family stuff.

you, OP, need to book your holiday time and tell DH this is the holiday time ‘book it’ then book your holiday. If DH doesn’t organise himself. Well, you go without him.

Either your husband has an issue like ADHD for example and finds planning/organising difficult/anxiety inducing or he's being deliberately manipulative to control you.

The wording you are using isn't unreasonable or inappropriate. You are merely stating facts, and giving consequences if plans aren't finalised.

None of us on MN know your husband, so we don't know if he's difficult in other areas of your relationship or not. Look at your relationship objectively, can you see other behaviours that could be considered controlling? Sometimes when we're in the thick of it, and emotionally involved, we can't see the wood for the trees.

Could you just book it and go on your own if he doesn’t get organised

Funny, if someone is controlling by the way OP's partner is then I wouldn't tolerate it either. Being precious when called up on own constant really bad behaviour is disgusting. 'IF' is not exactly nasty or rude and to be frank is the least of their problems. The OP's husband is being pathetic and he really is giving her no regard or working as a team.

This.
usual question from me. What does he bring to the party?
and don't tell me he is/would be a great dad.

Honestly he sounds like a child.

LTB.

Classic case of tone policing. It’s a tactic used to shift the focus away from his behaviour or accountability and instead places the focus on your delivery, making you feel guilty or question yourself. As soon as he says you’re threatening him, the conversation suddenly shifts to whether or not you’re threatening and away from the consequences of his failure to make decisions. You then find yourself posting on MN about whether or not you have a threatening tone rather than the fact your DH’s indecisiveness is having a negative impact on you and your DC’s life. Sounds like he’s executing this tactic perfectly.

This is a good explanation of it and suggests ways to respond to your DH: www.instagram.com/reel/DUn6HYZDOCk/?igsh=MWVld2c2cGZ2N243ZA==

So you would end up saying to him, "I've cancelled my leave because we didn't book the holiday in time." Super😕

I knew someone would be along to suggest some sort of medical reason why the DP couldn’t get his shit together.

OP, I’d book your own holiday - maybe with friends or family - and tell him the details so he can either join you or not.

Presumably DP is an adult, has agency over his own decisions and can plan things that matter at work.

I could not be wasting time on someone who finds your reasonable requests as threatening. Using that word is done to shut you down. I’d be out of the relationship with a DP like that.

Would you advise a man to express themselves more 'softly'? Just curious.