My child is being assaulted

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DD 7has been assaulted multiple times by 2 boys in her year. She has been punched, slapped, kicked and pushed over.

Schools advice is for her to "keep away from the boys she knows are known to be volatile" so when they are playing whole year games, for example, the school have suggested she "uses clear language to ensure they are ready for theor turn, so as not to provoke their anger" and "when explained to the girls that their are some boys who are prone to angry outbursts, and the girls should avoid being around them"

AIBU, or is this absolutely ridiculous?!

Is it? Why all the threads with constant classroom evaluations due to one child’s violence?

We “should expect small children to put up with it”??
is that a typo?

Some schools are skilled dealing with it. Not all. Yes, I am a teacher.

And get yourself a criminal record ?
That would be pretty foolish.

Yes sorry obviously I meant we shouldn't expect small children to put up either it!!

I cant edit this now but obviously I meant we shouldn't expect small children to put up with it!!

I’ve just moved my daughter because of a very similar situation. Violence and aggression from two boys towards multiple children in her class. She was cornered and kicked repeatedly by them and told by the TA that she should stay away and instead stay close to her (the TA) for safety. Her playtimes were limited and the boys ran wild. Then her learning was impacted as behaviour in the classroom deteriorated.

We were met with a wall of ‘we can’t discuss other children’ when we complained and were told by her teacher that no child would ever be suspended or excluded because she believed in restorative practice. My response was that I didn’t believe girls should be being taught just to suck up the violence of boys. It’s an awful life lesson.

My advice would be to move schools if possible, and check the behaviour policy of any prospective school before doing so. Ours was laughable whereas the new school had clear, appropriate boundaries and it’s reflected in the way the children behave.

I think it means that if DD approaches them to engage them in playing a game, as OP has indicated she may have, that's a bad idea.

If two boys were slapping and pushing your daughter, would you advise that she continue to approach them and try to engage them in a game? Or would you tell her that she should stay away? Obviously OP should fervently and insistently push for the school to do more in regards to controlling the boys' behaviour, but in the meantime, her DD's safety is paramount. And DD can't control what the boys do - all she can control is what she does. Which means the only way to keep herself safe until this is resolved, is to stay away.

I mean, sure, you can say she shouldn't have to avoid them for fear of violence, and she shouldn't, of course. But 'shouldn't' isn't going to stop them from being violent little shits, and save her from getting pushed or hit. Pragmatism has to come first.

ETA: If she's in fact not approaching them, and they're positioning themselves in places where she can't avoid them, then the other option of course is for her to wallop them right back, until they're the ones crying. But given it's two against one, and I imagine she may be smaller being a girl, that might not be the best idea.

I did think it was a typo, but with some opinions recently wasn’t sure then saw the poster and knew it must be as you’re always rational in other posts!

Sounds like there are issues on both sides. Your DD keeps approaching these boys despite knowing she could get hurt. And these boys are quite reactive. I would be asking the school about zoning them during playtimes and keeping them apart - this requires your DD to listen to that though.

Yea I had this with my son. It escalated to the point that one boy had him held down by his neck while another kicked his head. A staff member witnessed this and told him he could get up and stop exaggerating. I moved him schools in the end, they weren’t interested in dealing with it.

The problem is also that many behaviour/nuture units have closed down, in our local catchment school they had a lovely nurture unit. This was a designated corridor of the school which the children with SEN/Behavioural issues were taught with very experienced staff and a higher ratio.
3 years ago the nurture unit was closed down due to no funding and then children that had been using it were funnelled into the mainstream classes, which then caused major problems.
The children that had been using it were expected to ‘fit in’ with the class with minimal extra support because there wasn’t the funding for 1:1 TA support for them all, the other children on witnessing some of the behaviours were really anxious. Children were getting hurt because others would lash out and the overall behaviour and attainment of the school drastically decreased to the point it was taken over by an academy, it’s struggled ever since. Many parents moved their children out of the school when others in the nearby areas had spaces.
Unfortunately you can’t just exclude a number of children with no alternative provisions available and even in cases when the school have said they cannot cater to a child’s needs, our council have insisted a school take them because they are the better option out of the others available.

It takes so much. The paperwork for every incident. Shown you have exhausted every avenue. Even then you need to try it again. Multiple suspensions. The costs involved. The pushback from parents, LA. I’ve seen one child excluded from my mine in we were fined massively.

FWIW I am a teacher. The school is so wrong on this. You need to complain in writing. Also check the schools complaints policy. If you do not get a satisfactory response then you escalate to the next level. I would seriously be considering another school.

Are you sure you’re getting the full story? The way that is worded sounds like the head is trying to tell you that she keeps approaching them, not the other way around . Like they just want to be left alone and other kids keep approaching them and winding them up,

Nice bit of victim blaming there. So we should be telling our daughters to avoid going places in case they get attacked rather than telling the attacker not to attack?

Well it’s exactly what the head has said - that she keeps approaching them.

Your eldest is year 6, so could walk themself to and from school? I would let them finish their time at the school and move your younger one. Unless the head changes this will not change.
My daughter had similar and her teacher did nothing. But the head stepped in and sorted it by assigning an arms length one to one to the bully, when they knew they were being watched it stopped

This is not relevant.
My DS is in a specialist SEMH school and they are told off for "provoking" others but in their case this means things like calling each other names, taking their stuff, poking them and getting in their faces (literally).
DS has form for provoking his sister but hasn't been in trouble for it at school, though another child was in trouble for provoking him a while back - calling him names I think. He's learned not to respond. We're proud of him.

Going near a child should not be provoking.

In a weak moment I might tell the head that I'll just come in and push these angry boys around a bit, and she can tell them to stay away from angry mothers!

And this is why they grow up to be violent thugs - they have never known a proper consequence. If they were expelled and sent to a different school they would start to learn there are consequences to their actions and their lazy parents might actually do something about their behaviour. It is appalling that everyone else has to bow down before the altar of the violent child’s feelings - what about the feelings of those they have hurt?

No for both groups sake they are allocated their own safe space. The OPs DD has sen and doesn't seem to understand that she is bothering these boys and I imagine they also have sen needs and lack communication skills in telling this girl to leave them alone. Both groups are entitled to a break time in a safe space and the only way to facilitate this would be for them to be allocated different parts of the playground. If either group then overstep and an issue occurs then it will be quite clear who is instigating the situation and further consequences could be taken.

And the head is wrong. Even if she does up to the boys and asks to join in their game, their response should be verbal not physical.
I highly doubt though that a little girl keeps on voluntarily going up to a bunch of bullies knowing she’ll get assaulted.

Why can’t you keep suspending them? Is there a maximum number of suspensions or is it similar to exclusion where the school will be criticised by Ofsted?

Unfortunately, someone who's willing to attack others probably isn't going to listen when you tell them to stop. If they were, then they wouldn't be attackers, would they?

So yes, I would tell both my DD and DS, as children and adults, not to interact with people who are potentially violent, and when possible, to avoid places where violent people are known to hang out.

That's not victim blaming, because they're not at fault if they are attacked - the attacker carries the blame. But at the same time, not being to blame for the attack won't fix the fact they've been attacked, will it? So yeah, it's best to avoid violent people if at all possible.

Pragmatism and realism will keep a person safe a lot better than some idealistic 'but they shouldn't do it!'