My child is being assaulted

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DD 7has been assaulted multiple times by 2 boys in her year. She has been punched, slapped, kicked and pushed over.

Schools advice is for her to "keep away from the boys she knows are known to be volatile" so when they are playing whole year games, for example, the school have suggested she "uses clear language to ensure they are ready for theor turn, so as not to provoke their anger" and "when explained to the girls that their are some boys who are prone to angry outbursts, and the girls should avoid being around them"

AIBU, or is this absolutely ridiculous?!

Because she isn't annoying other children, and my other child/other children I know have witnessed her being sought out and hit, or simply saying ko to his request to stand in her place and being hit, or trying to pull her friend from him, and being hit.

I am not one of those mums who thinks their children are perfect. But I know, she isn't just being an arsehole. She's simply existing and not running away from him.

Because I asked, and the school told me. Then they said they advised I ask my child to walk away from him/not be around him/not speak to him at all in case it provokes him and he is known to be a reactive child who angers quickly and lashes out.

DD isn't the only girl who has been assaulted by him.

Yes?

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Yes, of course it is, but the school brought it up because said child has been know to harm a lot of other girls, just never my DD before.

What's he doing exactly? How badly hurt is she? Like is he full on attacking her or is it shoving etc like the other child?

I totally understand, I have several family members and friends who are teachers/school staff and I absolutely support you all

I thought he was a new child? How long has he been there to harm many girls?

Punching her in the stomach and face, has taken her belongs and threw them/stamped on them. Threatened to break her glasses and water bottle, snapped her pencils, threatened to rip her coat.

Sorry the child who pushed her is a new child. The other child has been there all the time.

But the new child is the one who has hit many girls. He has only been there a few weeks.

I really wouldn't be relying on the hearsay of other children for information about how another child is being disciplined.

It all sounds like it's being poorly handled, from what you have said.

You've been given plenty of advice on here about how to proceed, most of it ill-informed, I'm afraid.

This is what you need to do:

1. Read the school's behaviour policy, safeguarding policy and complaints policy. Make sure you understand what the school says it will do when a bullying allegation is made.
2. Write down exactly what has happened to your child, and what the school have so far done about it (to your knowledge). Clearly outline in writing how this has not followed the school's own policies - if indeed it has not done so.
3. Send this account of events to the Head via email and ask for a meeting to discuss.
4. If you are not satisfied with the outcome of the meeting with the Head, initiate the first step of making a formal complaint, the process of which should be outlined in the school's complaints policy.
5. Continue through the stages of the complaints policy until you get a satisfactory response.

Do not contact Ofsted, do not contact the governors directly, etc. Do it all in the right order as per the school complaints policy, and make sure everything is in writing. No more playground chats. You have to document everything and keep it formal and procedural. That way, if you do not get a satisfactory response from the school and need to escalate to Ofsted or the Local Authority, you will have a clear paper trail to evidence your claim.

Thank you.

We have requested as meeting, and have been told we will be contacted next week.

Completely get what you mean about playground hearsay, but I did ask what punishment has been put in place ans was told he was told not to hit and his parents have been informed, and that was it.

I think her ASD is of great relevance, in different ways. ND children are more vulnerable and the school has a duty to make accommodation for her needs. There is a also a high chance the boys in question have additional needs. A couple of things are possible, she may be continually approaching these boys and due to ND she isn't picking up on social cues to stay away, maybe due to their needs the communication is poor so she isn't getting the literal direction she needs. From your updates it seems this isn't the case. On the other hand she may be an 'easy' target due to her ND. Maybe they get a kick out of her reaction. Yes the school need to address their behaviour as priority but in the mean time she needs to change her behaviour to protect herself. At the end of the day we cannot control others we can only control ourselves. My ND ds learned the hard way, he was a target for some little bullies and they would taunt and taunt over stupid things to wind him up, again and again he took the bait and got upset and eventually would explode, usually verbally, but they thought it was hilarious. The school did try to handle it but told us that he needed to change his behaviour too. I don't think this was blaming him just trying to help him. He eventually learned to blank them and sometimes would loudly take the piss out of himself, undermining them and gaining respect of his classmates, who started to stand up for him the more he stood up for himself. He also told a kid to go F himself and said something rather awful to another that I don't want to repeat here but let's say it got the point across. The bullying ended. He shouldn't have had to change his behaviour in an ideal world but he needed to, I think based on the schools advice there are things OPs DD can do to change that will diffuse the situation. This isn't justifying or apologising for the bullies, just being realistic. There still needs to be repercussions for violence but DD has the power to break the pattern too I think.

If it's genuinely as 1 sided as you think it is change schools and make a formal complaint. I do think you need to have a frank discussion with the teachers about what they think your daughter is doing though because she is likely to have social struggles given her diagnoses and your very black and white view of this suggests you also may be Neurodivergent so not best placed to spot those struggles (I say as someone in a similar boat)

I will also add I am very sorry this is happening to your child. It is awful what too many children have to endure in school these days because of shockingly poor behaviour.

I'm glad you have a meeting arranged - please make sure that there is someone to take notes for you. Ask for the school secretary to come in and minute the meeting. Too many Heads will get away with making all sorts of promises verbally and then deny all knowledge later on. You must have a record. If there is no one available to take minutes, then ask to record the meeting and then create a transcript of it afterwards to send to the Head.

And as for what you were told - there may be more to it than that. I am surprised at the school's reluctance to do more about physical violence and I am wondering if there is more to the situation than meets the eye (i.e. there is an issue with the child that can't be divulged). That being said, it doesn't excuse your child being hit and she needs to be better protected.

I really hope the meeting will get you somewhere.

That sounds worse than it did before.

I still favour writing down everything that has happened and raising it as a duty of care issue with the head. However, if other girls have been thumped then it’s worth while talking to the other parents and seeing if they will also write to the head about this.

If this boy is growing up into somebody who thinks he can hit girls without any reaction he is a problem for everybody.

So disappointed to read that schools are STILL saying this.

I had this very problem when one of my children was this age. They said almost word for word what you have written. Even though it was 10 years ago now.

My response was to ask why they are effectively teaching young people they can be attacked if the attacker has anger issues?

If at 20, for example, someone came to you and said, my boyfriend punched me in the face last night you WOULD NOT say, stay away from him, you know he has anger issues, tell him in a firm voice NO, so why the fuck would you say that to a young person who is learning how to navigate relationships in all forms.

He doesn't have to play with her. He can move away from her. He can also use his words. He doesn't get to assault her. Being near him or in his space isn't against the school rules. Hitting her is. She shouldn't be told to stay away from him. She is not responsible for his behaviour. They are his hands/feet and he is in control of them.

Take minutes in the meeting. Keep a record of everything. Don't let them fob you off. What are they doing to safeguard your child? If they blame her. Be clear you don't accept that. She usnt responsible for his violence. She isnt old enough to self protect. They have a duty of care. They are in loco parentis while she is at school and should be as outraged as you are that she is being assaulted while in their care.

Find the school's safeguarding and bullying policies and work out exactly which clauses they are failing on.

Write them down. Prior to the meeting at explain why they are failing to currently keep to them. Ask how they intend to apply the clauses to your daughter going forward and that you expect this to be discussed at your meeting. Email it

If your daughter has additional needs you should be stressing that she currently lacks the capacity and ability to always walk away because she an immature 7 year old who doesn't always accurately read social cues and this is where the school have an obligation to ensure your daughter isn't put into these type of situations to begin with.

After the meeting make sure you get them to put a written response to your previous points.

Make sure you have it in writing. They have to file the paper trail...

Their policy and paper trail is how schools function. They do not want shit like this in writing.

It means if they fail to follow up, you have gone through due process and you are able to go to the next level of complaint. As a rule you don't have to because they quickly clock it's not in their interests to sweep under the table because you know how the system works.

The key is showing this capability. It makes them shit their pants.

Pleased to see last few posts are actually helpful with proper advice to op rather than the “gosh op, it’s definitely your daughters fault, she’s definitely bringing onto herself! What opinion do these poor boys have other than to physically attack her”,….

Um, if my child came to me and said 'my boyfriend punched me in the face', aside from being incredibly furious and devastated, I absolutely would be saying 'stay away from him', because the other option is 'well of course, go straight back to the man who punched you in the face, that'll go well!'

I'd also immediately take them to report the assault to the police, and make sure he was held accountable for doing such a disgusting thing. But if I thought they were likely to try to run back to him, yes, I would tell them not to. It's common bloody sense.

Wow, the school's reaction to that kind of behaviour is absolutely shocking, OP. It sounds like they're just letting him get away with it. I hope that pursuing it with them and refusing to let it slide will get you results. Your poor DD.

And good on you for telling her to fight back! It's horrible that she has to, but it's better than just taking it quietly, with bullies. Sadly, I have always found that the only effective way to stop them is for the victim to fight back enough to make the bullies think it wasn't worth it - really flip out on them, and try to beat the hell out of them - because schools are universally pretty useless.

That also happened in my school about 30 years ago too "Keep out of their way" despite the fact these two boys would literally walk across the playground to pull your hair and kick you. Eventually me and 2 other girls started teaming up when they tried to cause trouble and I got into loads of trouble for dragging the worst boy across the playground by his hair. Like loads of trouble "we would never have expected this of you" type behaviour.
Sorry I don't have anything helpful to add, except I would totally be pushing the school on this. And I'm not saying you should tell your daughter to fight back but if she does please don't punish her. The unfairness still grates to this day.