My child is being assaulted

[ImplodingLoading]

DD 7has been assaulted multiple times by 2 boys in her year. She has been punched, slapped, kicked and pushed over.

Schools advice is for her to "keep away from the boys she knows are known to be volatile" so when they are playing whole year games, for example, the school have suggested she "uses clear language to ensure they are ready for theor turn, so as not to provoke their anger" and "when explained to the girls that their are some boys who are prone to angry outbursts, and the girls should avoid being around them"

AIBU, or is this absolutely ridiculous?!

This!

She should not be approaching them and has no need to.

I know SEN is mentioned too often and becomes an excuse but what the school says does make it sound like the boys have autism. The ‘use clear language’ is classic.

That said I do not accept that SEN should be used as an excuse for violence, and certainly not misogyny. Start going down the bullying complaint route as pp have suggested.

Except you need evidence of bullying for that and deliberately approaching a child with SEND and engaging in behaviour that causes distress can be seen as bullying itself.

Random thought but how about supporting the professionals who work with children day in and day out and reinforce what they’re saying. Stay away and use clear language. The advice would be the same for girls with SEND and a similar presentation.

But OP’s DD might really struggle with this. Especially with ASD etc. She might not even understand what “use clear language” means.

“Going up to” a child is not equivalent to being physically assaulted by them, and if OP’s DD cannot manage staying away from them then surely, SURELY, it’s the schools job to keep them apart?

How about telling the bullies to keep away from the girl ,and to keep their hands to themselves

That was the very first thing I said, if you'll read my comment. That their behaviour is unacceptable, there should be harsh consequences, and they shouldn't be allowed around other students unsupervised. They should be restricted, not the victim. It's the school's job to protect the daughter.

But if – IF – the daughter is VOLUNTARILY approaching the boys when there's no need to, then she needs to be taught to stop. It's not healthy, safe behaviour to repeatedly put yourself into a situation where you'll be hurt.

So she has to creep around on eggshells, trying to avoid these two boys in what, if this is a typical primary, is a fairly small setting and knowing that if they hit her again she will be blamed?

I always wonder when adults say this whether anyone has slapped them and told them it was their fault for making you angry

Move her. It won’t get better and those boys will get stronger. Similar circumstances- I moved one child but wished I’d done it earlier. The Head used to just say ‘he was dis-regulated’. I made the point quite firmly that the same actions at 10 would be assault and a police matter so I was not impressed with the response.

You have to treat both children as individuals and realise their experience of the same school might be very different. If your eldest is due a move in September anyway you would have been having to manage two different schools anyway.

If there’s SEN on both sides then surely the school has some responsibility to keep them apart. Also if the boys are lashing out because of SEN and feeling provoked then I wouldn’t class this as bullying.

Do the boys lash out at any other children or is it just your DD that suffers?
I would try and speak to the parents, if their are any other children, and she what the Head has told their children to do.
If for some reason these boys are getting away with terrible behaviour perhaps action by a group of parents would get a better result.

Either way, I would put a complaint in to the Chair of Governors as regardless of your child's diagnosis, she should not be expected to tiptoe around bullies. The staff should be separating them if there is an issue.

Are they also disciplining the boys? Because doing so and telling her to keep out of their way at the same time sounds sensible.

This , all these “oh your daughters asking for it, these poor boys, they’re obviously the victims and defending themselves” posters.
Really hope you absolutely do not have any responsibility for safeguarding children or adults!
Is it that you have violent children and therefore see everyone else to blame?

christ that's so bad of the school! my child is autistic and used to have outbursts in primary school and sometimes hurt other children, he was taken to another room and at times if come and pick him up if it was bad. I would be extremely apologetic to the other parents and do lots of social stories and reminders at home about why that is not ok but school absolutely did not and would not allow this and tell other children to just stay of his way. as hard as it is for me to admit - he was the problem and not them! I can't believe a school would say that to you regarding this. appalling!

Oh do get off your soapbox. You know literally nothing about the details of the situation as you were not there( and neither was the op) and we’ve not heard from the boys or the school- just the op. Schools are very skilled at dealing with actual assaults and have robust procedures in place. If they are voicing it like this there will be a reason.

And I haven't seen anyone saying that either, so it is a poor straw man argument. The only possible mitigation would be similar to an actual situation at our school, a bit like an example given above.

Child A is in year 5, autistic, cannot handle people jumping around at them, flapping at them etc. Parents ask that they be allowed to stay indoors at break as it is a real issue for them, as younger kids like to wind them up for a reaction. School say no.

Children B&C are in year 2, like to run around child A in circles flapping, jumping and shrieking as it is funny when Child A freaks out.

Child A pushes B&C to make them go away. Child A is then suspended.

Parents successfully push back against this, as they had told the school that this wasn't working. They either needed to provide better supervision for A, or for them, or respect their wishes that they be allowed to stay indoors as they couldn't keep them safe. (Worth noting that staying indoors was perfectly normal within this school setting.)

Obviously from B & C's point of view an older child pushed them at break, and it had happened before for the same reasons...but in reality this was the younger children doing something they knew not to do for fun.

Who on earth are the 2% who voted ‘you are being unreasonable’ ?😱. So sorry OP. This is disgraceful.

I think you need to take emotion out of it first a moment and think carefully about what the HT is saying. It would be very strange for a HT to make those sorts of comments in this day and age without backlash, so I wonder if it’s a clumsy way for saying that your daughter is goading these kids by approaching them. They may well have reasons for their behaviour if being repeatedly provoked by somebody. Not an excuse, but reasons.

Re-think it for a second. A boy continuously approaches your DD and calls her names/winds her up. Despite trying to get away from him, he continues to follow her and try to get a response. Eventually she lashes out and pushes him.
He runs crying to the teachers/his mum. This becomes a regular thing.
I’m fairly sure you would argue that yes, your daughter shouldn’t have pushed him, but that a child continuously goaded will eventually lash out.
This may or may not be what’s happening, but kids don’t always tell you the full story (ex-teacher here- ALL kids lie/bend the truth at times- particularly for mum!)

I’d go and make an appointment to meet the HT and find out exactly what is going on. It’s easy to immediately jump to outrage, but these situations are rarely as clear cut as you think. By all means, protect your child, but also be ready to accept that she might be bringing some of these problems on herself and she may need help to stop this. They are all kids and learning how to navigate social situations.

Why are you on my soapbox?
Why is there a soapbox anyway?
You also know nothing about the details either, but are straight away supporting the “look what you made me do” stance of the abuser.
as @Zapx has succinctly put means.
“Going up to” a child is not equivalent to being physically assaulted by them, and if OP’s DD cannot manage staying away from them then surely, SURELY, it’s the schools job to keep them apart?
but as ever from some, they only focus on one child in these situations

ah see you’ve edited your post, makes some sense now, the content still doesn’t

Would you say this to an adult woman who was assaulted by two men at work?

They’re not men at work they’re young children with clear SEN.

Exactly, but of course there will be “reasons” why it’s her fault..

Didn’t you post this exact same question on here a few weeks ago @ImplodingLoading ? You got lots of replies and loads of good advice that time. I don’t understand why you’re posting it again and you haven’t done anything to protect your daughter between then and now (if this is even real). If I knew my daughter was being punched and slapped by anyone at school I wouldn’t be sending her in and I’d be demanding something be done that ensures it never ever happens again. Of course the school’s response is ridiculous and sexist. But you knew that weeks ago when you posted the same thing. You are your daughter’s protecter, you need to have her back and advocate for her. Do something about it instead of posting the same thing over and over on MN

Misogeny and safety in school is huge ofsted drive.

Get your hands on every bit of evidence around this end their policies on safeguarding

Kick up the biggest stink id also copy the council in and governors and the mp.
Don't let this deep misogeny hide in the dark expose it.

This!

Where does it say they have SEN? It says they are volatile and violent. Surely you’re not saying volatile and violent MUST equal SEN?